TITLE: THE WRITE WAY HOME
GENRE: Contemporary MG
The instant Mama clipped the rosebud, I knew we were leaving, maybe for good. The truth was plain as the “Foreclosed” sign flapping from the front door, its bright red letters making folks whisper behind cupped hands.
“Come on, Faith,” Mama hollered.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Oooh I like the detail about folks whispering. I like the tone a lot.
ReplyDeleteI still love the first line, but the second didn't seem as strong. Is there a crowd outside, watching them leave? Maybe show them.
ReplyDeleteI think the first line is very strong. The second not so much. It seems a bit generic. Where are these people?
ReplyDeleteI think the foreclosure sign would be a bigger hint to the MC than the rose clipping. I think you need to explain why clipping the rose was more viceral, more "real" to the MC than a sign.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, very strong start.
The second sentence doesn't work so well with the first. The first is an immediate, instant action. Unless there's a crowd of people watching, the second is more of a long-term view of things, and doesn't feel so important.
ReplyDeleteYep. I like the sign, the, neighbors, everything.
ReplyDeleteThat's a really great opener, full of MG voice. I'd keep going!
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading; however, I'm confused by the rose being more important than the official Foreclosed sign, and I can't tell if there's a crowd there or if people have been whispering in general for a while.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful voice. I do feel let down that your MC doesn't share why the clipped bud means they are leaving. I would hope the rosebud story would come after your third sentence.
ReplyDeleteDid this first line originally have the word "maybe" in it? I didn't remember that. It would be so much more powerful without it. Because now the Big Deal, the leaving forever, is just a 'meh, might happen,' thing vs. the emotional leaving of something so completely. The sentences after it lose me. The idea that clipping the rose is so significant that it tells her something she wouldn't have known otherwise was intriguing. After the next two sentences I'm wondering how she didn't figure it out from the big ol' foreclosure sign.
ReplyDeleteJust a question...having bought a foreclosed house and knowing friends and family who've lost a home to foreclosure...who gets a foreclosed sign stuck on their house? There is stuff delivered in the mail and there are papers and the sheriff will escort you off your property if you haven't left before the particular date of foreclosure. But in our neighborhood, we could tell that a house was going into foreclosure if a) the realtor's sign was taken down after the house didn't sell, b) the family moved out and then c) after it sat vacant, a different sign went up in the yard after a plumber came by and "winterized" the house and put a notice on the door stating that.
ReplyDeleteNow maybe its different elsewhere, but that's been my experience in two states in different parts of the country. Big foreclosure sign sounds like something from another era (Depression, maybe?) or a bit dramatic/cartoonish.
Or maybe the folks I know didn't stick it out til the sheriff came to evict them.
Anyway...didn't feel real because of that. :(
Very strong and interesting. For me, I stumbled over the jump from people whispering to her Mama hollering. It wasn't bad writing, but it made for awkward reading on my part.
ReplyDeleteI would certainly read on.
I'm not sure why the rose has more significance than the foreclosure sign. Also, the voice of the character doesn't sound like a contemporary middle grade character. It sounds like it's from a different era. If you're going for a Southern voice, it still reads off for a kid...to me anyway.
ReplyDeleteThe added sentences make it more interesting for me, not so icky sweet. Although I still think it's an older setting, maybe early 1900's?
ReplyDeleteI really like this. I assume the rose will have significance to the story or the characters - provided we find out why later on, I think its a nice hint. I would read on. nice job.
ReplyDeleteThis is the second time reading this opening and the first line is still great for me. I am not confused about the rosebud, and think that possibly this has happened before which is why she knows? And I like the voice as well.
ReplyDeleteI also get the feeling this is an older setting.
The first line definitely grabs me. The second is a bit general and makes it seem as if there is a crowd of people watching them leave. I do like the detail about whispering behind cupped hands, though.
ReplyDeleteThe first line did not grab me the first time and the next two haven't made it any better. I would not read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm torn. I still really like your first line, but I do feel the mention of the foreclosure sign detracts from the symbol of the rose being clipped. I would probably keep reading, though, hoping that you go back to the rose. I also think you have a clear, strong voice.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice here, and foreclosure sure is a relatable topic these days, unfortunately. I think behind cupped hands isn't needed, and sounds less MG to me; you can leave it at whispered. I like that you get dialogue in there early, and a name. Given MGs lower word count, I think you've used these 3 lines really well to show a lot of story set up.
ReplyDeleteI think this is okay, but am a little confused as to why a rosebud gave a stronger message than a Foreclosure sign. Also, why is Mama hollering? Is the rosebud far away from the door where she is standing?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Holly
I would keep reading. I like the voice and I think you've hit on a timely subject. Many families are experiencing foreclosure. Now that I've read the second and third lines and understand more of the situation perhaps the first line could be made more specific-- a rose from a bush in our backyard--or something like that. Makes it clearer, and bonus, adds add'l heart-tug.
ReplyDeleteI definitely like it.
ReplyDeleteyes, i would read on. i want to know the significance of the rosebud (must be very important!) and i love the whispering behind cupped hands, and mama hollering. good job.
ReplyDeletei love the voice here and agree, i'd like to know why the rose clipping was significant to the MC. definitely intriguing.
ReplyDeleteI like it: I don't have a problem with the rose first and then the foreclosure sign, although I see the sign flapping "on" the front door, not "from" it. Also, I wonder if replacing "folks" with "neighbors" and "behind cupped hands" with "behind front room curtains" (or tattered drapes or whatever would give a flavor of the neighborhood) wouldn't ease some of the concerns about the introduction.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'm on the fence. I'd probably keep reading, but the next lines would have to be great.
ReplyDelete