TITLE: Washed Up
GENRE: YA Contemporary
My parents first had me committed when I was six years old. They found me floating above the tiled bottom of our pool with the pockets of my sundress filled with rocks; the second time I was eleven and I jumped off a cruise ship in the middle of a wicked storm. Now I am seventeen, and have just been dropped off at the Royal Alexander Centre for Mental Health for the third time in my short life.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'd keep reading! I don't think I was crazy about your first line the first go around, but now, in context, I really like it! I like the image of your mc in a sundress with her pockets full of rocks. I like the whole thing. I would definitely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteDang, what a messed-up kid. That's my first thought. I like the details--definitely the sundress full of rocks--and I'm really curious as to what's up with this person. I might like them, especially if there are details that are likeable or reasons for the protag's neuroses. Sometimes writers just have a messed-up protag and that's all, and they think that'll carry the story.
ReplyDeleteAdd some commas to that second incident so the sentences reads the way you want it to.
ReplyDeleteYou do make me want to read on to see what this is all about.
I'm interested---barely. Jumped off a cruise ship in a storm? You'd be a goner for sure. Floating with rocks in pockets...pretty sure you'd be sinking.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading just to see what (s)he'd done this third time, and why your MC feels the need to be swimming so badly.
ReplyDeleteHow was your MC still floating in the pool with a sundress full of rocks? If it's not a little magic, and a slip of the words-- which it probably is, since it's contemporary-- I'm gone.
ReplyDeleteNo. I liked the first line, but the rest--suicidal six year old who has the knowledge to try to kill herself in that way--leave me torn between thinking it's unrealistic and being majorly bummed.
ReplyDeleteKind of morbidly fascinating--I don't like the "short life" line at the very end, it feels cliche, but otherwise I would keep going.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first sentence, but I think I was picturing something slightly more introspective. The listing of ways she's tried to commit suicide (if that's what she's doing) seems rushed. The image of her in the pool is good, but the second description seems bland in comparison.
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence was a bit confusing and I lost a minute trying to get that visual (floating made me think, well, floating, so not on the bottom of the pool.) The rest intrigues me. The last sentence is kinda blah, though it suffers for a personal prejudice; that I HATE present tense.
ReplyDeleteNo. I also wondered about how she'd float with rocks in her pockets, and also would lose the "in my short life" at the end. Also, with the MC being chronically suicidal, I don't think she'd consider her life short. She'd consider it agonizingly long.
ReplyDeleteI liked this...interesting mental pictures here. And what is going on with this chick and water? It's contemporary, so she's not gonna turn into a mermaid...so I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteCompletely and utterly hooked by this. I'm a little disappointed it's a Contemporary, as I would have LOVED this to get a little bit magical, but I would still read it nonetheless. The darkness of it all, the connection with water, the fact that she's actually been committed... utterly, utterly hooked.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely loved the first line, but the second one feels clunky to me. I'm fascinated by the idea that a six-year-old tried to drown herself that way, but that part of the sentence could really be tightened up. I would definitely read on, though.
ReplyDeleteI still like this. This is a person with some deep problems from a very early age, maybe family issues, maybe genetically depressed, maybe a combo. I'd stick with you a while longer.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, it could use a little cleaning up.
o Consider cutting the second sentence after "rock." Though I understood floating to mean just above the floor of the pool, perhaps submerged would be clearer.(Loved the pockets of rocks.)
o Jumping off a cruise ship would most likely kill her, storm or not. They have very high sides. It would be like jumping from a pretty tall bridge.That she survived, beggars belief. Consider a car ferry or something closer to the water level.
o Consider cutting last sentence after "third time." It's redundant to the age of 17, and calls too much attention to itself.
Interesting concept - makes me want to know why this kid is so messed up, and I'm curious to know what the third attempt was. A few nits - I would replace the semicolon with a period, since this isn't really a list. Also have to echo the comments about the cruise ship - that would most likely be deadly. But otherwise I would keep reading to see what the third attempt entailed.
ReplyDeleteToo depressing for me. I had a hard time just reading the three sentences!
ReplyDeleteFrom a writing perspective, I like this. There are good concrete details that draw me in. The specifics about the ways the MC has wound up in this place are certainly compelling. But I wouldn't keep reading based on the subject matter. I'm not a fan of dark, gritty YA, which is where this looks to be heading. So I'd probably pass, but only because of personal preference.
ReplyDeleteI would read a little further and see what I got before deciding. It is a bit depressing, but it is YA, so I can forgive that. I also had a hard time picturing a small child "floating" with rocks in her pockets, though!
ReplyDeleteI think you're almost there. The second line has impact until the semicolon and the second attempt part. I would take the second attempt out since it lessens the impact of the floating girl with rocks in her pocket (haunting). You could begin a new line with "The second time I was committed I jumped off a cruise ship...etc." Then, "I'm seventeen now, and..." I think breaking these up into separate distinct moments will help. Also, I would suggest removing "short" from short life because it doesn't feel reflective of a teen.
ReplyDeleteMan that kid is so jacked up, lol love it though. I'm interested in the character and want to understand why she is trying to kill herself. I'd read on for sure.
ReplyDeleteI have a few concerns with this in addition to what I said last time about committing a 6 yo.
ReplyDelete1) You can't float unless you are trying to float which means this isn't exactly a suicide attempt. Besides, if my 6 yo did this, I would assume he was being silly or stupid not suicidal. 6 yo's don't even know what death means.
2) "the second time" should be a new sentence with a comma after "time". Otherwise, it sounds like she has been 11 twice.
3) I don't think a 17 yo thinks their life has been short. This is an adult speaking.
Good luck!
~Holly
Hmmmm, intriguing.
ReplyDeletelove that first line, and the second. i don't really need the cruise ship/storm line and think it weakens it for me. i would keep reading for sure.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious enough to keep reading, but I think the second sentence should maybe be broken up into two.
ReplyDeleteI like it, though I think it needs some tightening. Nice work.
ReplyDelete