TITLE: DIVISIONS
GENRE: Women's Fiction
Lang knew better than to smile about her love letters. She didn't want to tempt fate, trash-talk God. Still, she felt a tiny bit smug knowing she'd covered all her bases, that the letters she'd written him after her diagnosis were tucked away, unopened.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the re-write of the first sentence a lot. I feel the tension set up, and I'm curious about what her love-letters contain. I'm not sure how far I would read--not so much into stories about affairs--so it would depend on what the romance is about, for me, as we move into the next paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteI don't know, there's something about this that makes me think of her as sneaky and conniving. It just seems like that wouldn't be the reaction one has to love letters.
ReplyDeletenot sure why she'd feel smug, wouldn't this be a normal part of a (assuming here) terminal diagnosis?
ReplyDeleteThe first line needs a rewrite. You're making smile sound like the kind of verb that describes an action, instead of just an action in and of itself.
ReplyDelete"Yes, of course," she smiled. <-- Like that. Which is wrong, because you can't smile dialogue. It is coming across the same here.
The rest of it is intriguing; I want to know about the letters she's put aside and when he'll open them. After she's dead? That's a gimmick that's been used before, but I like the new take of hearing about them from the dead character's perspective.
No. I'm confused by to whom these love letters are written? God or some guy? And why does writing love letters make one smug? Seems like an odd word choice.
ReplyDeleteI can tell something is going on, but I'm confused. And confusion at the onset of a novel might mean I wouldn't continue, depending on what was next.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little confused. At first I thought she was receiving love letters, but by the end of this segment it sounds like she's writing them to be opened after her death. That's a pretty different mood from your first sentence. I'm also hoping for more about the diagnosis soon after this, because if she feels the need to write love letters, it must be serious--and yet, she seems so flippant about the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteMy opinion is a tad shaded by personal triggers in terminal illness stories.
ReplyDelete"Smug" seems an odd word choice. These are love letters, well intentioned, I'm assuming. Smug doesn't sound right to my ears. I don't understand what "trash-talk God" means in this context. Do you mean that writing and hiding the letters is assuming she'll die, which means she doubts God? Or does she actually trask-talk God in the letters?
I'm mostly confused. I'm so focused on trying to figure out why you don't want to be happy about love letters and how that's trash-talking God that the diagnosis thing almost blew by me. I had to re-read, twice, to get what was happening here. Not good ever, really, but really really bad in an opening.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely interested, though perhaps not hooked. I'm interested in the love letters, and interested and a little confused as to why she wants to keep them secret. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteYou didn't really pull me in. The first line might get me to read further, but if you want me to go on, you better have something to grab me coming up. If not, I'll put the book back and buy something else.
ReplyDeleteWho's him? God or a lover? Do her letters trash-talk God? I think I'm too confused to read on.
ReplyDeleteNo offense, just not my cup of tea.
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence confused me a bit. It seems cut off. The third sentence makes her seem a bit sneaking, which makes me not like her much.
ReplyDeleteI probably wouldn't keep reading.
I'm sorry, but I don't think I'd keep reading. Like some of the other commenters I found myself confused by this.
ReplyDeleteThis does not interest me. That second line totally confused me.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what to make of the second line. It feels like one that either comes later when there's more context, or after a line that leads a little better to understanding why she might be tempting fate. Given the word diagnosis thrown in, I can make some assumptions of what might be happening, but it feels a little muddled right now. My guess is this opening has a little bit of mystery; you aren't saying outright what's going, to be cryptic on purpose, which CAN work. I just think this isn't quite there yet since it feels more confusing than serious.
ReplyDeleteI find this confusing. How is smiling trash-talking God and who is the "he"? It reads like you mean God.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Holly
I like how you rewrote the first line. It's not confusing anymore, and it get a feel for what's going on. However, the last sentence puzzled me. Why would she be smug about letters she never sent?
ReplyDeleteDoesn't grab me - mostly based on subject matter. Run on sentences could be reworked.
ReplyDelete