TITLE: Into the Deep
GENRE: YA Fantasy
I've always been afraid of water.
It's irrational, there's no strange panic attack when I imagine being submerged just a certainty that something bad will happen, and yet I am in love with the ocean. The fresh crisp smell of salt air, the mysterious creatures living beneath the surface, even its sheer power; everything about the sea is a siren song tempting me to its shore.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I feel a bit like the second line is a run-on because of comma mis-use, and that distracts me. I like the second line.
ReplyDeleteIt seems contradictory. She's always been afraid of the water, and then you tell us all the reasons why she loves the water. So what is she afraid of?
ReplyDeleteIt seems overly-flowery. Keep to one idea and then surprise us at the end with a contradiction. Otherwise gets convoluted. And all I get is that she loves water.
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence is a run-on (semicolon or period after "submerged"?), but I like the juxtaposition between fearing water yet loving the shore.
ReplyDeleteI like the foreshadowing that something bad will happen under the waves; the book is called "Into the Deep" so something worse than drowning will be on the docket when your MC gets there, I wager!
This is so contradictory it confuses me. I wouldn't read on.
ReplyDeleteNo because run-on sentences are one of my particular peeves and I fear that there will be more of them. Also, the contradiction seems inconsistent rather than nuanced. If there's no panic and she loves the ocean, then in what way, exactly, IS she afraid of the water?
ReplyDeleteThere's a run-on sentence, like others have said, so that distracts me immediately. The general conflict is interesting, but the flowery language kept me from engaging in it.
ReplyDeleteStill love the concept. I think you could lose most of the first sentence without losing the meaning and stepping up the pace. Start with: Yet, I am in love with the ocean. It's a direct opposite of the first sentence. Love that conflict. Don't lose it.
ReplyDeleteI loved this first line. But the rest is punctuation-deficient in a way that makes it hard to follow. More than that, though, the complete contradiction of what interested me in the first place, the fear, is a letdown.
ReplyDeleteThe puncutation issues lost me. I'm also a little lost because when she says she's afraid of the water, I'm expecting actual fear, but the description of it is ho-hum. The description of how wonderful she finds the ocean is much more compelling, which leaves it more... "I love the ocean, but I have a vague and mild dread of water."
ReplyDeleteThe idea of all the combined elements Frey pointed out, though, is intriguing.
The contradiction is intriguing. I'm hoping for more (but perhaps in more manageable sentences).
ReplyDeleteNo, for the same general reasons as the others: the run-on second sentence loses me grammatically, and I don't understand the fear of water vs. "I am in love with the ocean."
ReplyDeleteI love the contradiction of being afraid of water but loving it at the same time (I can actually relate.) That said, the next two sentences felt like a lot to sift through to get to this interesting contradiction, and the run ons were distracting enough that I'm not sure I'd keep reading. I almost wonder if you could open with: I've always been afraid of water, yet I am in love with the ocean.
ReplyDeleteI love the first line. I like the idea behind the second, but it's a run-on, and would look better divided up. The third could perhaps be shortened.
ReplyDeleteWith some tidying up, I would definitely read on.
It's pretty, and I get it the conflict (personally, in fact!) Fix the second sentence as suggested and it'll be very pretty. Not sure if I could read on, though. May be too dark or depressing for me.
ReplyDeleteJust had to edit what I said. The first sentence is great, it's the second sentence (the first of the second paragraph) that I would edit way down as I said before. Sorry about that!
ReplyDeleteToo many adjectives, not enough tension. The first line is interesting enough, but when you get into the next two, you lose me with all the description. Get to the "certainty of something bad happening" faster. Ditto with "siren song tempting me to its shore". Tighten up the writing and I'd probably keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI would not read more. The following two lines do not tie in that first line. I expected to know why she was afraid of the water. Not why she liked it.
ReplyDeleteI really like this; the commas need a bit of work, but I like the follow up from the first line. It feels like a natural explanation with a little snippet of what's to come.
ReplyDeleteI like what you're trying to set up here but agree that it comes off as rambling. I'd suggest you establish the love of water and then the fear or visa versa. Either way, don't muddle them into 3 run-on sentences or we will be left not understanding either.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Holly
If he/she's is afraid of water, why does the narrator love it. It seems like you revised the last line to get it to fit the format. If that's true--bad choice. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little confused about the first line saying she fears it, and then the next saying she loves it. I'm guessing it's the environment of the ocean she loves, but she doesn't like being in the water? Try to clarify it more.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the 2nd and 3rd sentences are much too long. They can easily be divided into shorter ones that will have more power.
i love your first line. feel like i'm set up for something sinister and am pulled right in. the next two lines don't deliver that for me and i'm not sure why b/c i love your description.
ReplyDeletei like this because i can relate in an odd way. feels like it could definitely be cut back--a bit wordy. that aside, i'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'm on the fence. I don't really like the flow and it's a bit long - those are my main issues.
ReplyDelete