Pages

▼

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Logline Critique Round One #1

TITLE: Through the Edgewood
GENRE: MG Fantasy Adventure

When 11 year-old Izzy's little sister is kidnapped by a faerie queen, she teams up with a band of orphan Changelings to rescue her. They soon learn the queen is also hunting Changelings, leaving it up to Izzy to save both her sister and the entire Changeling race.

at

15 comments:

  1. Abbe HogganSeptember 25, 2012 at 10:14 AM

    This has all the necessary elements (character, stakes, obstacle, implied consequences), but I think what it needs is a little more emotional punch. Maybe stronger word choices would show how Izzy feels so we can feel it too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ink in the BookSeptember 25, 2012 at 10:43 AM

    I'm also writing a story about changelings, but mine is a YA.

    I like your logline. It's got everything a great logline needs. I know Izzy's conflict and who is at stake and what choice she needs to make.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Holly BodgerSeptember 25, 2012 at 11:29 AM

    This is pretty good but I think you could re-word it to make the stakes stronger.

    Good luck!
    Holly

    ReplyDelete
  4. WalterSeptember 25, 2012 at 12:22 PM

    why is her sister kidnapped? That is the only missing piece for me. I like this, and think you're very close.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Cristin BruggemanSeptember 25, 2012 at 2:00 PM

    I agree with Walter. It would help to know why her sister was kidnapped and what might become of her if she's not rescued. Otherwise I thought it was clear and well written.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Leah PetersenSeptember 25, 2012 at 2:07 PM

    The second sentence just kind of lays there. Honestly, I'd drop the whole last sentence and just massage into the first one the stakes. Something along the lines of:

    When 11 year-old Izzy's little sister is kidnapped by a faerie queen, she teams up with a band of orphan Changelings to rescue her before the queen kills her sister and the entire Changeling race.

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnonymousSeptember 25, 2012 at 3:17 PM

    Really well done.

    ReplyDelete
  8. AmySeptember 25, 2012 at 4:07 PM

    I think you have all the elements here. I really like Leah's suggestion to smoosh it all together-I like that combination.

    ReplyDelete
  9. DJSeptember 25, 2012 at 9:45 PM

    I second Leah's version! Otherwise your ending is too passive. But good job- sound interesting even though I have no idea what a changeling is!

    ReplyDelete
  10. KayCSeptember 26, 2012 at 5:17 AM

    I'd like some idea of why the queen kidnapped her sister in the first place, and why is she hunting Changelings?

    ReplyDelete
  11. AnonymousSeptember 26, 2012 at 9:02 AM

    Thanks everyone! I've been chewing on your comments, and wonder if this is better?

    When 11 year-old Izzy's little sister is kidnapped by a faerie queen, she teams up with a band of orphan Changelings to rescue her. If Izzy fails, both her sister and the Changelings will end up as ingredients in the queen's youth elixir.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Leah PetersenSeptember 26, 2012 at 9:54 AM

    Love it!

    ReplyDelete
  13. csoontornvatSeptember 26, 2012 at 11:40 AM

    Thanks Leah for all the help!

    ReplyDelete
  14. DJSeptember 26, 2012 at 2:08 PM

    Love the revision!

    ReplyDelete
  15. UnknownSeptember 27, 2012 at 7:30 PM

    I really like the revision as well :)

    ReplyDelete