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Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Logline Critique Round One #13

TITLE: One of Darker Blood
GENRE: YA Dark Fantasy

A young woman cursed to see and touch spirits wants to use her ability for good, but must first overcome the prejudice of her community, a murder-bent ex lover, and her own violent tendencies.

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10 comments:

  1. Holly BodgerSeptember 25, 2012 at 10:56 AM

    I wouldn't use the term "lover" in YA. Also, we need a clearer goal (I can't grasp "for good" so I can't see how she can reach this) and we need stronger consequences if she fails to reach it.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  2. WalterSeptember 25, 2012 at 11:52 AM

    what does she really want to use her skills for? What is the good she envisions?

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  3. Leah PetersenSeptember 25, 2012 at 12:11 PM

    I don't know how she could use her ability "for good" so that leaves me cold and doesn't set it up as a conflict with the rest. Also, the three things listed in the last sentence aren't connected and make me think there's no central conflict, which certainly gives me no reason to want to know how it is resolved.

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  4. Abbe HogganSeptember 25, 2012 at 12:38 PM

    In addition to more details about her goal, I'd like to hear more about her violent tendencies. That part intrigued me most.

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  5. Laura Hughes, MittensMorgulSeptember 25, 2012 at 1:12 PM

    At the very least, I'd like to know the character's name, as well as a clearer description of her abilities. Is her ability to interact with spirits the cause of her violent tendencies?

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  6. Marianne SuSeptember 25, 2012 at 1:46 PM

    Overall I think this works. I too wouldn't use the word "lover" in YA. "Prejudice of her community" is vague. I'd try to clarify that.

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  7. AnonymousSeptember 25, 2012 at 3:13 PM

    Love, love, love it!

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  8. UnknownSeptember 25, 2012 at 8:03 PM

    I, too, want to know the character's name. I think I'd ditch the "wants to use her ability for good"...I want to know more about the prejudice and violent tendencies, and be specific about what she wants to do with her ability and why people would want to stop her.

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  9. NatashaSeptember 25, 2012 at 9:02 PM

    Loglines are not the inside flap of the book. Nor are they queries. I will continue to vote for leaving the name of protagonists out of loglines, but I'm no expert. Use your thesaurus and "craft" word use. "Disenfranchised" encompasses what I think you're trying to convey and can trim it down by 5 words. "Ability" is a weak word. Choose "power" or "gift" instead.(?)

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  10. Bonnie StaringSeptember 26, 2012 at 2:22 AM

    What Natasha said. The violent tendencies was a lovely surprise at the end. Good job!

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