You need to give us specific information about this girl (ie, 16-year-old aspiring musician Vanessa). Also, you need to tell us what kind of revelations she is fighting against. I presume she is trying to find out the truth about what happened, but you haven't written this as her goal (and you should) so I can't see how the revelations will stop her goal. It sounds like maybe she wants to find something more than just what happened (ie, a justification).
Vague to the point of meaningless. "Further revelations" could mean anything from finding Jesus to learning she's the daughter of a South American drug lord. "Heal" is cliche and boring. "Pull her further under" what? Depression? Communist propaganda? Cult leader's control? Drug lord's tyranny?
"Teen girl" distances me from the character. A name would make her more real. I'd clarify what the "further revelations" are and how they threaten to pull her under.
Lucy in the Sky is about 16-year-old competitive swimmer Lucy whose brother drowned in the ocean. She stops swimming and wants to push everyone away but at the same time doesn't want to be alone. Her brother’s friend thinks he meant to drown and Lucy starts to question if she ever knew her brother at all.
This is much better, but could be ramped up even more.
"Lucy, a 16-year-old competitive swimmer, gives up on swimming and on life after her brother drowns. It's only when her brother's best friend hints at suicide that Lucy starts to question if she knew her brother at all."
What we're still missing though, is the goal. Does she want to learn who her brother was? Does she want to prove that he didn't commit suicide? What is the end-game of your story? What is Lucy trying to accomplish?
Thanks Dale and Bonnie. I'm gonna have a good think about what my MC might actually want haha. I have a feeling it's not what I've said (re her brother's death etc) and more to do with wanting her family back together (as parents have both sunk into their own depression)
Thanks for the heads up Liz I'm not too worried though :)
You need to give us specific information about this girl (ie, 16-year-old aspiring musician Vanessa). Also, you need to tell us what kind of revelations she is fighting against. I presume she is trying to find out the truth about what happened, but you haven't written this as her goal (and you should) so I can't see how the revelations will stop her goal. It sounds like maybe she wants to find something more than just what happened (ie, a justification).
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
This seems a bit too vague for me. Specifically the "further revelations" bit. What are they, why do they complicate things, etc.
ReplyDeletePlease be more specific about what kind of revelations, otherwise we're not sure if we want to read on (and we probably won't).
ReplyDeletePull her further under what? How is she not coping? Is she doing drugs, which is what the title implies?
ReplyDeleteVague to the point of meaningless. "Further revelations" could mean anything from finding Jesus to learning she's the daughter of a South American drug lord. "Heal" is cliche and boring. "Pull her further under" what? Depression? Communist propaganda? Cult leader's control? Drug lord's tyranny?
ReplyDeleteWho knows? Who cares?
"Teen girl" distances me from the character. A name would make her more real. I'd clarify what the "further revelations" are and how they threaten to pull her under.
ReplyDeleteYou could use twice as many words for your logline, which would give you the space you need for specific, intriguing details.
ReplyDeleteWaaaay too little detail for me--I waaay have trouble caring about some unspecific teen girl. = / I like the title, though! = )
ReplyDeleteThis is so vague it tells us nothing. What is her goal? What revelations help or hinder her?
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your comments!
ReplyDeleteHere is my second attempt.
Lucy in the Sky is about 16-year-old competitive swimmer Lucy whose brother drowned in the ocean. She stops swimming and wants to push everyone away but at the same time doesn't want to be alone. Her brother’s friend thinks he meant to drown and Lucy starts to question if she ever knew her brother at all.
This is much better, but could be ramped up even more.
ReplyDelete"Lucy, a 16-year-old competitive swimmer, gives up on swimming and on life after her brother drowns. It's only when her brother's best friend hints at suicide that Lucy starts to question if she knew her brother at all."
What we're still missing though, is the goal. Does she want to learn who her brother was? Does she want to prove that he didn't commit suicide? What is the end-game of your story? What is Lucy trying to accomplish?
A good revision, and I like what Dale did to strengthen it. We still need to know what's in it for Lucy, though.
ReplyDeleteJust an FYI, there are four books with that title on Amazon.
ReplyDeleteThanks Dale and Bonnie. I'm gonna have a good think about what my MC might actually want haha. I have a feeling it's not what I've said (re her brother's death etc) and more to do with wanting her family back together (as parents have both sunk into their own depression)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the heads up Liz I'm not too worried though :)