TITLE: The Hacker of Guantanamo Bay
GENRE: Near Future Cyberpunk
Jailed for a crime he didn't commit, raped and tortured for information he doesn't have, Burhanuddin, a hacker, will stop at nothing to take his revenge on his accusers and the government which held him for twenty years without trial. Even if that revenge means war.
Miss Snark's First Victim
You are not really inciting anything here. Why does he decide to exact revenge NOW? Does he escape? Learn something he didn't know before?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I like this. It grabbed my attention and, if the writing in the MS is just as good, I'd buy it right away. Very high stakes here. I hope with all my heart that it ends in peace, though, and not war.
ReplyDeleteI'd leave out the specific detail of "rape." You'll lose people right there that might otherwise have accepted that bit in context. I've WRITTEN male/male and female/male rape scenes and that detail still gave me the willies. "Torture" conveys what you need. I agree that a sense of what the inciting incident is would help.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the comments!!! I forgot to mention he's now out of prison. Try:
ReplyDeleteBurhanuddin, a hacker, was jailed for a crime he didn't commit, tortured for information he doesn't have. Now that he is free, he will stop at nothing to take his revenge on his accusers and the government which held him for twenty years without trial. Even if that revenge means war
I like it. I do wonder what kind of war he is capable of waging, though.
ReplyDeleteThis seems very clear cut and well-written with all the necessary elements. The one additional thing I'd like is some specific idea of how he intends to get revenge and on whom -- "government" is too vague and the people in the government can change a lot in 20 years
ReplyDeleteI also think it's well-written, but I wonder if this isn't backstory. Okay, his motive is revenge, but what is he going to do? Who is trying to stop him? And what will happen if he does or doesn't succeed? War, yes, but that's generic. Can it be more personal?
ReplyDeleteThe revision is definitely a keeper! Sounds like a great book.
ReplyDeleteI like your revision. It's clear and succint with a well defined goal, motivation, and stakes.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI like the revision, it's much clearer. Is the hacking what he uses to start war? Is it a personal war, or war between countries? Is he important enough to get the backing of his country when he starts this war?
ReplyDeleteWalter -
ReplyDeleteCheck this out. http://makeyourbookamovie.com/building-the-perfect-logline-for-your-book-screenplay-or-other-story/441/
I get the feeling that your logline doesn't come close to doing this manuscript justice. I would suggest not using the protagonist's name as much as pegging his age - "a young hacker" or a "washed-up hacker". . .Watch your verbs and use present tense - "A young hacker IS jailed for a crime didn't commit AND tortured for information he doesn't have." FAN-freaking-TASTIC rhythm here. "Finally free, he pursues a form of revenge that could trigger a world war." (leave out 20 years and without trial and save for query) This is off the cuff, but you get the idea. Tighten screws.
Great revision! The pace really comes through in this version. (Must confess that the "rape" in the first version made me pause). I also agree with Natasha on tightening things up further.
ReplyDeleteAn Afghan hacker living in the US is jailed for a crime he doesn't commit and tortured for information he doesn't have. Now free, he will stop at nothing to take his revenge on his accusers and the government which held him for twenty years without trial. Even if that revenge triggers war between the US and the country which has given him shelter.
ReplyDeleteDon't know why you've changed to "doesn't" in the first sentence but go back to "didn't." Other than that, I think this is coming along great. The change in the last sentence is just what you needed.
ReplyDeleteAn Afghan hacker living in the US is jailed for a crime he didn't commit and tortured for information he doesn't have. Now free, he will stop at nothing to take his revenge on his accusers and the government which held him for twenty years without trial. Even if that revenge triggers war between the US and the country which has given him shelter.
ReplyDeletedang typos...
I thought Christin Bruggeman hit it on the head. Ditto what she said.
ReplyDeleteWalter -
ReplyDeleteI'm still confused with your rewrite. It's creating more questions than enticements. I'm almost getting the vibe that your protagonist is the bad guy. Did the U.S. hold him without a trial? Hard to believe, even with the Patriot Act and Gitmo. So, was he jailed in Afghanistan?
I know it's painful, but erase the whole damn thing and start from scratch. If you can give us more info about the plot, more help will be forthcoming. I suspect this novel is too good and too timely to land in a slush pile.