TITLE: The Disappointment Country
GENRE: Adventure/thriller
Never dare someone who runs on one leg. An idealistic outdoorsman named Cutter overcomes a below-the-knee amputation to build his dream, an “adventure ranch” in the remote San Juan Mountains of southwest Colorado. But he must survive wildfire and the schemes of a Kosovo war crimes fugitive to save it.
Miss Snark's First Victim
As written, it sounds neither adventurous nor thrilling. It's mostly backstory with only-interesting-if-I-sit-here-and-really-think-about-it-and-use-my-imagination-a-lot details thrown in as afterthoughts.
ReplyDeleteUntil the last sentence, the conflict sounds resolved to me--which isn't the tone you want in your logline. How does his amputation relate to the obstacles his ranch faces?
ReplyDeleteI'd back away from that last sentence and rework the second to show how his conflict is overcoming his disability to build his dream. That is a great conflict, which you bury.
ReplyDeleteThis leaves me thinking "and then what?" Also, your antagonist needs some kind of motivation. Why does he want to destroy the ranch and why does the protagonist NEED to risk everything to save it? A dare is not strong enough motivation here.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I like this, especially the first half (but I'd leave out the location of the ranch in the interest of tightening). In the second half, I want to know what the conflict is, more about the antagonist and what's at stake.
ReplyDeleteBeing capable with his amputation was a good emotional hook for me, but you need to give us more context for the peril of the wildfire, and definitely context as to who the heck this fugitive is and how it ties into Cutter's life. Do they just cross each other during a hike? What is their interaction?
ReplyDeleteBeing capable with his amputation was a good emotional hook for me, but you need to give us more context for the peril of the wildfire, and definitely context as to who the heck this fugitive is and how it ties into Cutter's life. Do they just cross each other during a hike? What is their interaction?
ReplyDeleteSee, I love this one. I like the bite of the first sentence, and I like the high stakes of the last sentence. The rest gives me some good explanation, too.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds interesting enough, it doesn't feel like there's much conflict, though. And "Kosovo war crimes fugitive" is a bit lengthy.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds interesting enough, it doesn't feel like there's much conflict, though. And "Kosovo war crimes fugitive" is a bit lengthy.
ReplyDeleteI thought the 'Kosovo war crimes fugitive' was the most intriguing part of the logline!
ReplyDeleteI do think you could omit the first sentence. And you might want to consider saying, 'to build his adventure ranch in . . .' instead of mentioning that it's his dream. But I think this sounds interesting!
Here's where our critiquing gets interesting becasue I liked the first line, yet agree with others to tighten up the motivation. Also, recommend deleting "named" and just call you protag by name.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure where this story starts. Is overcoming his injury the main conflict or his backstory? If the latter, I would drop the first sentence, streamline the second and expand the third.
ReplyDeleteGreat hook with your first sentence. I'm already interested. RE your second sentence, I must ask, do we meet Cutter at this point, when he's already built his dream, or is it part of the story? Depending on your answer, I'd suggest to revise your second sentence. Your third sentence seems to encapsulate the main conflict of the book. You may want to consider dropping Kosovo for the sake of brevity and including the name of your main antagonist assuming he has considerable 'airtime.' Overall, I found your logline very compelling. Certainly something I would read, plus, I like the title. Combined with your logline makes me think Cutter is a fighter.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck,
Ingrid
I like the first line...that grabbed me to read more. I'm not sure why someone wouldn't want him to succeed.
ReplyDeletehttp://makeyourbookamovie.com/building-the-perfect-logline-for-your-book-screenplay-or-other-story/441/
ReplyDeleteCheck this out. I'm on the fence about the first sentence. It's fantastic, but might be better suited to the opening of a query letter. I agree - get rid of "dream" and make it current. I agreed that the 3rd sentence should bump up. Awesome plot. Bet you did a bunch of research.
Keep calm and carry on!
I agree with Amy Jay's comments. The first line reeled me right in. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI could see an agent going for this. It's unusual - the amputation and adventure ranch does it. Loved the first line. I'd say to keep 'dream' - it comes across as fundamental and motivational.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest cutting the first sentence. What follows lets us know he only has one leg. (And you can't run 'on' one leg. It's impossible. You can only hop fast.)
ReplyDeleteYou're also telling us what he's 'going' to do. Change the wording to 'WHEN an outgoing idealist . . .' that way it's active. Then tell us how the fugitive screws it all up for him and what he does to overcome that. You might also include why this ranch is important to him. What's he trying tp prove?