TITLE: WITHOUT BORDERS
GENRE: Multicultural/ Women's Fiction
One week into what is supposed to be a three month stay in Pécs, Hungary, Amanda Smith meets a family of Gypsies. She didn't expect to fall in love with a Gypsy dancer, and she didn't expect to stumble on a trail of secrets involving her grandpapa and the dancer's family. Now she questions everything she knew about her beloved grandpapa and must repair the wounds she didn't intend to open.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like, but since you don't mention wounds earlier, I don't understand what needs to be repaired. I'd remove that, or expand on these wounds.
ReplyDeleteThere is no goal here. If what she wants is to repair her wounds, she can go lie on a psychologist's couch and be done (but I'm guessing this is not what she actually wants!) If this an obstacle to what she wants, then you need to show that connection (ie, does she want love but her pain makes her unable to trust men?)
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I like this logline, but it raises a couple of questions for me. Did she go to Hungary because her grandfather had been there? And why is grandpa important? Finally, what wounds? Either expand or remove it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Walter about the wounds.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there's a tense issue with the second sentence; it needs to be in the present tense. Maybe, "When she unexpectedly falls in love with a Gypsy dancer and stumbles on a trail of secrets..." and then something more specific about the wounds.
The "one week into .... three months stay..." feels unnecessary to me. I like the rest.
ReplyDeleteInteresting subject!
ReplyDeleteI think you can do without the first sentence. Just start with: On vacation in Pecs, Hungary, Amanda didn't expect to fall in love with a Gypsy dancer....then tell us why it matters. Unless of course Amanda isn't on vacation. If she's in Hungary for some specific reason that has to do with her grandfather, I'd like to know that. That might help me understand why Amanda's relationship with her grandpapa is important to her and the story.
I like the setting a lot.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Wendy about the first sentence. You could even say, 'Amanda didn't expect to fall in love with a gypsy dancer in Hungary . . .'
And I don't mind the cryptic reference to wounds she opens. That's part of what intrigues me about this logline.
The word gypsy is offensive to many for its pejorative associations with dishonesty and theft. The preferred term is Roma. It's best to observe cultural sensitivities, especially when you categorize the work as multicultural.
ReplyDeleteIs it essential we know the timeline of her planned stay? What kind of secrets? Evil? Was grandpa bad? Had her grandpa hurt her in the past? And if so, why is he so beloved?
ReplyDeleteAnon, not everyone knows that. Look at the memoir, GYPSY BOY. There's another memoir written by a female American Roma who also uses the term Gypsy in her title, but I forget the name of the book. The point is a writer has to start with terms the audience is familiar with. Then the writer can educate the audience.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Amy Jay and Wendy...combine the first two and condense and you'll have a good logline. I'm not a huge Multicultural/Women's Fiction reader, but I'd probably look to read more of this one.
ReplyDeleteSide note, works of fiction do not need to be politically correct - keep the Gypsies. I would have had no idea what you were talking about if you said Roma. I might have thought they were tomatoes.
I'm adding my agreement to Amy Jay and Wendy's suggestions. If her wounds made her race of to Hungary, mention them earlier; if not, leave them out. Great start!
ReplyDeleteMost of this is backstory and setup. Also, the "she didn't expect...." is kind of a cliche (or at least I see it a lot in pitches and such). Tell us specifically what she needs and what obstacles she has to overcome to achieve her goal.
ReplyDeleteThanks for everyone's help on this. I've incorporated much of what you all contributed. Here's the revised version:
ReplyDeleteWhile in Pécs, Hungary to research her grandpapa’s childhood, Amanda Smith falls in love with a Gypsy dancer and stumbles on a trail of secrets involving her grandpapa and the dancer’s family. Now she questions everything she knew about her beloved grandpapa and must repair the wounds between the two families she didn’t intend to open.
Natasha posted a link for effective loglines. Based on that site, here is revision #2:
ReplyDeleteA young woman researching her grandpapa’s past travels to Hungary, but the secrets she uncovers threaten her relationship with the Gypsy she loves.
WHy? WHy 'must' she do these things? What will happen if she doesn't? Add that, and I think this will work.
ReplyDeleteI like revision #2! Threatening the relationship with the man she loves is enough "stakes" for me.
ReplyDeleteI think you can tighten this up by removing the "she didn't expect" aspect of it; that's a given. I am curious though, so good job. Oh, I just saw your rewrite, great!
ReplyDelete