TITLE: ACE OF SHADES
GENRE: YA Fantasy Steampunk
In Spirited Away meets Boardwalk Empire set in a city akin to Victorian London, Enne Alfero roams the shadow world searching for her lost mother, but when the owner of a casino royale tricks her into swearing an unbreakable vow to work as an assassin, Enne must play against the city’s politicians in a deadly game for her life.
Miss Snark's First Victim
No need for "this meets this;" that's more along the lines of a pitch. The rest is good. There's conflict, stakes, everything you need. I think my one question is whether the shadow world is equivalent to the city or if they're separate things. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI agree about dropping the comparisons. For me the trouble is that I have only a vague idea of what either one is about. Maybe other people wouldn't have that problem. But the rest of it is very appealing and makes me want to read more.
ReplyDeleteAside from getting rid of the comps, you need to connect the obstacles with the goal. Why will this casino villain prevent her from finding her mother? The two don't seem related as written.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Thanks everyone for you comments! So does this work as an updated logline? I tried to incorporate all of your comments.
ReplyDeleteSeventeen-year-old Enne Alfero must find her lost mother in the shadow world before she loses herself in casino royales, hot street lords, and games where her life and her heart are as stake.
The first sentence has grammar issue, but is also not needed. Also, is the story about her search for her mother or the deadly game for her life? And is it her, or her mother's life?
ReplyDeleteWould prefer the second two lines were streamlined to either explain about the cow or what the deadly game is. Both of those are promising, but uninteresting when just relayed as such. Knowing exactly what the "deadly game" is would add punch to the end.
ReplyDeleteSounds like the stakes are both her life AND her mother's? Maybe:
ReplyDelete17 y/o Enne Alfero is roaming the shadow world in search of her lost mother when the owner of a casino royale forces her to become his assassin. If she can't beat the city's politicians in their deadly game, she and her mother will both be lost forever.
Or something like that...
Love your revised pitch! It changes everything that caught me up. No need to bring up similarities to Victorian England since you've already told us it's steampunk, and the logline doesn't need comparisions. THIS IS AWESOME! I'd love to read it.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what the "meets Boardwalk Empire" means, but I like this one.
ReplyDeleteGood feedback by others. Protag's name is too complicated to use - it breaks the rhythm. Excellent premise but your logline isn't doing the novel justice. I like the "If she can't beat the city's politicians [sic AT] their deadly game" Are they corrupt? Select adjectives carefully and use judiciously, but they can ratchet up the tension and make agents want to read further. Just my humble opine.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I almost forgot - I have great admiration for writers who can pull off steampunk. Serious stuff that requires incredible imagination, research, and suspension of disbelief. Keep working it.
ReplyDeleteHmmm-- For what it's worth, I just wanted to jump in and say that I LOVED that original first line with the comparisons-- it made me sit up and want more. It shows your story is hip, relevant and cutting edge. Not to confuse you-- but I also loved the mention of her unique name (awesome) AND Victorian England. All of these words color a vivid picture in my mind-- (even though we already know it's steampunk) I liked your revised logline too--but I really like the first one better. I would totally read this! Nice work.
ReplyDeleteI really like the first one, too. There is more personality and more voice. I love the premise, too. sounds like I'd stay up all night reading this one!
ReplyDeleteWell, done:)
The original is stronger than the revised. Csoontornvat summarizes the key points well. You could always say somewhere in your query letter that fans of the two books you mentioned would enjoy this book.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Slennon
I like the rewrite better but I'm a little confused about the politicians. What do they have to do with anything? Are they the targets of her assassinations?
ReplyDelete