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Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Logline Critique Round One #39

TITLE: Nooks and Grannies
GENRE: Humorous Fiction

Late-bloomer misfits Keegan and Amelia move into his grandmother’s house, unprepared for ghostly undertones - as unprepared as they are when two young men enter their lives looking for romance.
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19 comments:

  1. Marianne SuSeptember 25, 2012 at 12:14 PM

    This reads more like an excerpt than a logline. While it is intriguing, it doesn't tell me who he is and what the story is about.

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  2. MilhaudSeptember 25, 2012 at 12:18 PM

    Too long. Suggest you get down to the nuts and bolts and eliminate at least half.

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  3. Samantha JeanSeptember 25, 2012 at 1:43 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. Samantha JeanSeptember 25, 2012 at 1:44 PM

    I agree with the other two commenters and the editor - this is not a logline. I don't think it would even qualify as a back-of-the-book blurb. The reason I read it (though I skimmed everything after the first line) is because the title and genre piqued my interest.

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  5. fictionwriterSeptember 25, 2012 at 3:57 PM

    Yep, not a logline. Try again to tell us what the story is about. Good luck.

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  6. Mary VettelSeptember 25, 2012 at 5:46 PM

    Yes, you're right. Can I blame NyQuil for fuzzling my brain-box? Will see if I can fix this. Thanks.

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  7. Holly BodgerSeptember 25, 2012 at 8:13 PM

    So I was a little thrown off by the two young men looking for romance from a boy and girl (I assume Keegan is gay and this is not a "problem" but I can't tell). We also need more information about what comes next. Are they trying to beat/escape/free the ghosts? Will this romance prevent them from doing so?

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  8. Leah PetersenSeptember 25, 2012 at 8:37 PM

    I'm with Holly, I think you tried to do it with "his grandmother's" but it's an unexpected enough situation that you need to clarify that one of these characters is a boy who is interested in other boys. (man/men? Not really sure what "late bloomers" is supposed to convey age-wise.)

    And, yeah, conflict, stakes, decision to make, blah, blah, blah. Need an idea of the plot, not just the setup.

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  9. UnknownSeptember 26, 2012 at 12:02 AM

    I don't think this logline works. Try tightening it up by answering in a short way:

    1. Who is the main character and what does he/she want?


    2. Who (villain) or what is standing in the way of the main character?


    3. What makes this story unique?

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  10. Bonnie StaringSeptember 26, 2012 at 12:23 AM

    I love your title! Like others have said, the logline needs to convey more of what's at stake entice me to want more.

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  11. LanetteSeptember 26, 2012 at 9:48 AM

    Who is the "his" in your first sentence? I assume Keegan and Amelia are both females? You don't have a goal or stakes in this logline, and I'm not sure who the main character is.

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  12. BarbaraSeptember 26, 2012 at 1:49 PM

    You have set up a situation, but there's no problem or goal. WHat does Keegan want? Why can't he have it?

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  13. AilsaSeptember 26, 2012 at 2:45 PM

    Sounds cute, but I think I need to hear more about the conflict in the story.

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  14. WendySeptember 26, 2012 at 2:58 PM

    I don't know who the MC is. I'm assuming it's Keegan. If it is, maybe start with something like: Keegan moves into his grandmother's house with his girlfriend Amelia (just guessing on the relationship) hoping for _______ but __________.
    I don't understand how the two young men mesh with the story. Are they rivals for Keegan's or Amelia's affection? Foils for Keegan's stunted romantic development? Because of the ghostly undertones, I wasn't even sure if they were human. Maybe try to tell us how these characters matter to whatever Keegan wants?

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  15. Abbe HogganSeptember 26, 2012 at 2:59 PM

    1. Great title
    2. Has this entry changed since it was first posted? Otherwise, I don't understand the first few comments.
    3. I agree that "he" in the first sentence (Keegan?) needs clarifing.
    4. I also agree about increasing (or just describing) the stakes.
    5. I need to post my critiques more quickly so all my comments don't start with "I agree about."

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  16. j2September 27, 2012 at 10:52 AM

    The use of "his" in the first sentence threw me. I had to re-read to remember which one would be "his." I'm not wild about two "unprepareds" even though you're doing it for effect.

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  17. Judy MintzSeptember 27, 2012 at 10:53 AM

    sorry, comment above was me. Fat fingers.

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  18. Adopted GoddessSeptember 30, 2012 at 11:11 AM

    The romance thing threw me. I guess Keegan is gay? You need a sentence that shows conflict. What are they trying to do? What does the gust want? Why do two guys stumble upon a guy and a girl and one happens to be and the other heterosexual? That seems too coincidental. Just needs to get to the heart of the matter. Good luck!

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  19. Adopted GoddessSeptember 30, 2012 at 11:12 AM

    The romance thing threw me. I guess Keegan is gay? You need a sentence that shows conflict. What are they trying to do? What does the gust want? Why do two guys stumble upon a guy and a girl and one happens to be and the other heterosexual? That seems too coincidental. Just needs to get to the heart of the matter. Good luck!

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