TITLE: The Desiree
GENRE: YA/ Contemp with twist
Straddled behind the driver, Stevie Ryan gripped the snowmobile’s side handles as they cruised up the mountainside, her face turned toward the morning sun. Fresh powder from last night’s snowfall shimmered on the surrounding peaks. The sky was cloudless. Conditions were crucial, and so far, everything about today was ideal. Stevie shifted in her seat, antsy with adrenaline, ready to carve the snow-packed surface of the half-pipe and claim another title. Closing her eyes, she inhaled evergreen air so deeply that her nostrils tingled. Find your place, Find your Zen. She refocused on the horizon and tucked her earbuds under her snowcap, cranking her favorite Coldplay song until the music swelled in her ears. God, I love it here.
As the half-pipe came into view, the taut muscles in Stevie’s legs flexed. Today would make it all worth it—all the sweets she’d given up, and partying with friends; all those weekends she’d risen at daybreak, while every other sixteen year old in America was sleeping in. Her hard work was about to pay off. If the mountains and snow were her church, then snowboarding to her tunes was her religion. Her mom said it was because Inuit blood coursed through Stevie’s veins, and with it, a great respect for the snow. That, mixed with her dad’s sheer Irish stubbornness, gave her a competitor’s advantage, or so her parents liked to boast.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Not sure about the genre "with twist" but I wonder where this opening is going. You got a girl named Stevie practicing a "dude's" sport, so right away I'm interested. I love the internal banter of "God, I love it here" instead of opening up a novel directly with unimportant dialogue. Great start.
ReplyDeleteI think you have some very vivid descriptions here that work well.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest to break it up into more paragraphs though.
Good luck!
I've had the pleasure of reading the query to this and I like the premise. I'm all for a really good girl athlete and I love snowboarding!
ReplyDeleteI feel like I already know Stevie. Great job and good luck!
While the writing is strong and specific, I felt there was too much backstory here.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure cruising up the mountain to ski is as compelling as skiing down the mountain, hook-wise.
If you could intersperse all the background info with a touch more action, I think you'd be in better shape. Best of luck!
Great descriptions, though I would prefer if you showed her being antsy with adrenaline instead of telling us that.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if I'm really hooked. I would probably read for a few more pages to see where things are going.
Good luck!
Great descriptions and you have given us a character to fall in love with. This is very different from the angsty teen stuff. This is a 16yo girl with determination and self-reliance. What makes this so good is that you have your readers rooting for Stevie on the first page.
ReplyDeleteI feel like you gave a great description of the snowy landscape (Though I must admit, I've spent my entire life in warm-weather climates, and I've never actually seen real snow in person.) I already like Stevie, and was left wanting to know the stakes in whatever competition she's in, even if she's just competing against herself.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the actual snowboarding and the feelings it generates would be more of an interesting hook than just the anticipation of it - perhaps the reasons for the love of the sport could come after we already witness her going on the slope. Am not sure about "stevie" - that was a moment of WTF for me as I thought it was a guy. Not sure why you chose that. I would have the same reaction if a male character was named Kathleen - but maybe that's just me.
ReplyDeleteOOh, another YA contemporary with a sports angle--I like! I don't mind the reflection since at least she's outside doing something and not dreaming :) I would do a search for "to be" verbs and see if you can pare those down and replace with more vibrant action verbs. A few spots get wordy: "the taut muscles in Stevie’s legs flexed" This kind of says the same thing; you could just say his legs flexed or leg muscles grew taut. I am personally the queen of adding in lots of things for a list in my first drafts: she turned her head and grabbed a spoon and then danced. Pick one and the pace will keep moving.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with the other commenter that breaking her thoughts up into smaller paragraphs will engage the reader. Then you might be able to pick out redundencies more easily and pare down from there.
Good luck with edits, I love this story concept and would be interested to read more :)
I like the name (hello Stevie Nicks!).
ReplyDeleteCOncentrate more on showing vs telling. I think that is very important in the YA market (refer to previous comment about adrenaline line).
I like the MC already but I"m not sure what the problem here will be unless it's winning. She wants to win because she's worked so hard but is that all that's a work here? I think the beginning needs to introduce the stakes a bit more.
By the way, I like her interesting heritage. I love a MC who's different.
The first paragraph nicely establishes the setting, and I like the details about the physical and psychological preparation that goes into this competitive sport. However, echoing Jessica's 3rd paragraph, I'd certainly like a glimpse of the forthcoming issue, because I'm not that interested in a novel about competing. Other agents may feel differently, of course.
ReplyDelete