TITLE: RED MADRASSA
GENRE: YA Fantasy
The sun was bright and the wind brisk as she walked along the beach, kicking up tufts of sand in her wake.
The man who stormed toward her was not happy to see her. In the past, when she was younger, he had often tossed her high in the air, her shrieks of delight ringing out like silver bells as he caught her safely in his arms.
Today was not such a day.
"Father…" she began, as he reached her.
He held up a hand to forestall any excuses. "Allorna," he said tightly, "It breaks my soul, but the prince is quite clear. You are not to guard him or his amlah."
She was only 14, but already the responsibilities of the gardis hung heavily on her. She simply nodded.
"I have a good idea of what you did," her father continued through gritted teeth, as they walked side by side in the morning sun.
"But Father," she protested, with the knowledge and fire of youth inspiring her words, "The prince is not worthy of our protection! He's an insolent, self-important whale with no care for his people or the gardis."
"He is our prince, son of the Emperor and your future ruler!" her father shouted. "You have maligned the name of gardis, which our family holds dear!"
He paused long enough to take a cleansing breath. Then he stopped being her father, at least for the moment.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm intrigued. You've got a young female guard and an obnoxious prince. All the makings of a fun romance.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence should be cut. It isn't necessary.
Your line: with the knowledge and fire of youth inspiring her words is odd. It doesn't sound YA at all.
I would like to see you back this up and start with her doing whatever naughty thing got her in trouble in the first place.
You have a scene with some good potential for conflict and an interesting premise
ReplyDeleteIt took me a minute to figure out what was going on. I think it would help if could get into Allorna's thoughts more.
For instance, the first line describing the beach gives us no clues of Allorna's state of mind. Is she feeling guilty? Is she worried? Is she proud of what she did? Is she running away? If we knew, we could better interpret her father's anger and how it affects her.
The line: responsibilities hanging heavy is vague. Is "gardis" a family name or a religious order or a vocational calling or what?
In the second paragraph, she wouldn't think of her father as "a man."
You have an intriguing story here but I think we need to understand what is happening so we can relate to the character and be drawn in. Good luck!
The set up for what could happen is great! But, as has already been stated, it feels like you're possibly starting in the wrong place. First of all, don't start with the weather. It's such a pet peeve for many, many agents and editors. You should start with your MC.
ReplyDeleteIt drives me crazy when writers try to be sneaky, such as the way you didn't just call her father her father in the second paragraph. I might be alone in this, but it's a huge pet peeve for me.
And the last line about her father stopped being her father confused me.
I did really like the conflict between them, though. Perhaps play that up a bit more. If she's shaming the whole family, he might have an even bigger reaction to this. As would she.
I wish you much luck!
I am definitely intrigued by your main character and the fantastical world you've hinted at. But I, like the other commenters, was a tad confused about what was going on because of the vague references to an event that we hadn't read about yet. I also felt a bit distant from Allorna and wanted to be in her head a bit more. The narration feels almost like third person omniscient (especially because of the "knowledge and fire of youth" line, which doesn't sound like something Allorna would use to describe herself), but I think putting more focus on Allorna's thoughts, as the other's suggested, would help us root for and understand her character a bit better.
ReplyDeleteI would read on, though. Good luck!
Hey! I like this! Super interesting, and I loved the image right off of Dad tossing her into the air and catching her. Good writing. :o)
ReplyDeleteI love the fast-paced narrative and the hint of the relationship between Allorna and her father. Already, I could see that Allorna will be a heroine with spunk. Kudos on the 'white space' between paragraphs!
ReplyDeleteI only have one big nitpick which you can take with a grain of salt as it pertains to a trend in the fantasy genre. You mention concepts like 'amlah' and 'gardis' and don't explain what they are. But fear not, I tried to read The Left Hand of Darkness and the first page is littered with non-explained/fantasy/world-building terms that left me scratching my scalp. I guess I could infer that the 'gardis' are priestess bodyguards??? But a line or two of explanation would be much appreciated.
Good luck!
I love the fast-paced narrative and the hint of the relationship between Allorna and her father. Already, I could see that Allorna will be a heroine with spunk. Kudos on the 'white space' between paragraphs!
ReplyDeleteI only have one big nitpick which you can take with a grain of salt as it pertains to a trend in the fantasy genre. You mention concepts like 'amlah' and 'gardis' and don't explain what they are. But fear not, I tried to read The Left Hand of Darkness and the first page is littered with non-explained/fantasy/world-building terms that left me scratching my scalp. I guess I could infer that the 'gardis' are priestess bodyguards??? But a line or two of explanation would be much appreciated.
Good luck!
This is a great start. Like Janice, I would just drop the first sentence entirely. You don't need it. Also a bit confused by gardis and amlah. I don't advocate info dumps early on but some information here might be useful.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the tension between Allorna and her father and I would expand this portion of the opening, if just to get further in the MC's head.
All in all, you've got something here.
I would love to see this start with the scene where the MC shames her family. A confrontation with this insolent prince would be more interesting than this one with her father.
ReplyDeleteYes, like others mentioned, don't step out of your character's perspective to describe things in a different way than she would see them unless that's the POV you want to use. Decide on your POV up front and remain consistent throughout.
Overall, interesting ideas. Good luck with this.
I agree with Jessica that the scene with the prince that caused this family shaming would be the more interesting place to start. This scene could easily follow that one. I also think that "the man" reference is out of place. It indicates some problems with POV and as has been stated tends to push it towards 3rd person omniscient which is distancing. The line about "the knowledge and fire of youth" as coloring her answer is clunky. Some of the dialogue sounds formal and stilted but it also could be appropriate to the world you are building so I will give a pass on that. Anyway, it sounds like you could have a very interesting story here.
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple of things I'd change, such as the first sentence of the 2nd paragraph (I felt it was redundant to write that the man "who stormed toward her was not happy to see her.") But on the whole, I'm intrigued--I like the idea of a female guard, and I appreciate the mystery of the transgression to which her father refers in the 7th paragraph. I'd read more.
ReplyDelete