TITLE: GRIPPED
GENRE: Young Adult Contemporary (Edgy)
Senior year just started and it's already perfect.
Varsity Cheer. Check.
Hottie boyfriend. Check.
Kicking a** in school. Check.
I spin in a circle, inspecting myself in the mirror.
It took me a half hour to pick out an outfit, but I nailed it. Dark wash Joe's jeans that make my non-existent butt look perky. White sweater than shows my tan. Leopard ballet flats for a touch of flair. I need a touch more lip gloss.
I'm rushing around my room looking for my make-up bag when the screen on my phone lights up with an incoming text message. Olivia. I sigh. I'm not ready yet. Blake will be here any minute. I dial her number, phone on speaker.
"Why are you calling me? Only old people actually call." Music is blaring in the background.
"Hello to you, too. I'm trying to finish getting ready. I'm running late. Blake'll be here any minute. What's up?" I'm yelling toward the phone while zipping back and forth across my room, looking for my Opi nail polish. The polish on my right pinky finger chipped.
"Oh s***. I forgot you had a date. I was going to invite you out. I'm meeting up with Lauren and Ashley in an hour. We're gonna go find a party to crash."
"Sounds fun. We're going to see the new slasher movie that just came out. The one with Reed Bentley, the smokin' hot Australian." I'm ecstatic I convinced Blake to do something other than go to a party or have sex.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I love the voice in this, and the opening is great. I noticed a few places where you use the same word twice in the same paragraph (touch of flair and touch more lip gloss), which kind of drags the reader out of the story.
ReplyDeleteAlso there are a few lines that are repetitive (in the second paragraph, Blake will be here any minute, used again 4th paragraph)
I loved the line "Make my non-existent butt look perky" Hahah!
This is great - I love the step-by-step explantation of your MC's life, but we don't even know her name yet, which is a turn off. When you follow a character through so many detailed descriptions, what they wear, what they think, who they're talking to, etc. it's nice to have at least a name attached. Other than that, it's a nice start!
ReplyDeleteVoice. Loved.
ReplyDeleteStart. Loved.
Weaving in of appearance. Loved.
Great job. I'd keep reading just to find out why it's edgy YA.
Considering how many teens I've seen yapping on the phone, I'm not sure about the old people line. Maybe that's a regional thing.
Good self-absorbed teen voice. I like the descriptions because they tell us a lot about the MC's character. Watch the occasional repitition; other than that it's a great start.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Anja--this is very, very well done. The only bit of dialog that didn't feel quite authentic to me is the "Reed Bentley, the smokin' hot Australian" bit. If your protag uses his name, presumably she expects Olivia to already know who he is, so the description feels like it's for the reader's benefit rather than Olivia's. I would keep either just "Reed Bentley" or just "the smokin' hot Australian" (which does sound like something a teen would say if she blanked out on his name).
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked.
My one nitpick for now: OPI is OPI, not Opi. Had a career with a cosmetic manufacturer, so I catch those things!
ReplyDelete"I'm ecstatic I convinced Blake to do something other than go to a party or have sex." FUNNY!
Otherwise, I really and truly think this is darling! And how does Joe's do with over-existent butts? :)
Everything about this drew me in. Fantastic teen voice who was a self-absorbed, popular girl who's only care in the world is what's cute to wear. Can't wait to see what turns her life upside down.
ReplyDeleteQuite the feat but I also envied/hated that she had everything (the boyfriend, the life, the popularity). Which makes it an even more fun read. More, more!
Everything about this drew me in. Fantastic teen voice who was a self-absorbed, popular girl who's only care in the world is what's cute to wear. Can't wait to see what turns her life upside down.
ReplyDeleteQuite the feat but I also envied/hated that she had everything (the boyfriend, the life, the popularity). Which makes it an even more fun read. More, more!
Good job nailing the voice. I don't write or read contemporary YA, but this certainly felt like YA to me.
ReplyDeleteFor me, the weakest part was the phone dialogue (too telly). It didn't feel natural. And the first time I read the passage, I got a little confused here. Wasn't sure if we were only 'hearing' the narrator's dialogue or both sides. After reading it through a second time I realized it is both sides (since she's talking on speaker). But adding a dialogue tag to her friend's response would also clarify.
Overall though, nice job! I can picture your first few lines on the dust jacket and/or movie poster.
I really liked the opening.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason, I had envisioned the MC getting ready for school, not a date. So I was a little thrown when Olivia wants to find a party. Made me realize I had the wring time of day.
I would read on to find out what happens to the MC. Hopefully she gets more sympathetic because right now I kinda hope someone kicks her perky butt :)
This isn't my kind of book, but I found the opening 250 very well done. And as far as the "old people actually call" line, it's spot-on, in my experience as the father of a 15-year-old.
ReplyDelete