TITLE: The Shoebox
GENRE: Adult fiction
When a shoebox full of mementos from her past prompts immigrant Anna Toth to search for her mysteriously vanished childhood friend in Hungary, she must decide whether to leave the live she has worked hard for, including her family, or live with the enigma forever.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm interested in a mysteriously vanished childhood friend and a story set in Hungary, but you need a better sense of urgency, which would come from clearer stakes. Is the book really about her making a decision? I hope not :). And why would she have to give up her new life in order to visit the old country? If finding her friend is the goal, what are the obstacles and what will happen if she doesn't accomplish the goal?
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise, but I think it would have more bite with a little more detail. Why does the search suddenly become imperative - what does she find in the shoebox that sets her off on the search, and why does it mean losing her family?
ReplyDeleteI think the first 'live' is meant to be 'life'?
I have similar thoughts to Abbe. I feel like I need more tension, more conflict, more action.
ReplyDeleteWhy would a search mean leaving her family and life? What is conflict created by the search?
In the last sentance it should read "life", not "live".
"mysteriously vanished childhood friend" is way too much description. I think you can change the first three words to "missing" so it reads better.
ReplyDeleteAside from that, you set this up well but when you get to the goal, we hit a decision and her decision cannot be her goal unless the books ends with her choice.
You also imply that she is leaving her life (spelling error here) and family forever which doesn't make sense unless it is going to take the rest of her life to find the friend.
Good luck!
Holly
I like the overall premise here, but I am also a little confused about what I should expect from the story in reading this logline. Is she in Hungary already or does what she finds prompt a trip to another country to search out the friend?
ReplyDeleteAlso, it reads a bit like the whole premise of the plot is for her to decide whether or not to make the trip at all... and I don't think that is what you meant to convey.
One of the above posters requested more "urgency," and that's the same way I felt.
ReplyDeleteMy first thought was "why is this a big deal?" I'm sure the stakes in the book are much higher, but I'm not seeing that in this sentence.
As written, it seems like "Should I take this week-long vacation and make my family order takeout for a week? Or I could just forget about the slightly puzzling question that momentarily popped in my head?"
Again, I'm absolutely sure that is not what the consequences actually are in your book, but that's how it currently reads.
This sounds like it might be a fun contrast of American life versus the reliving of her Hungarian past.
ReplyDeleteI like the suggestions of getting more tension into Anna's quest, showing exactly what she'll lose if she makes the wrong string of decisions, maybe?
I love this idea - it sounds intriguing! My only question is why she would have to leave her current life to look for her friend? The way it reads now, it seems like she could take a few weeks' vacation, and then return home. I'd suggest making that part more specific, but otherwise I think this sounds great! :)
ReplyDeleteI think this is a great premise, but I need to know more. Like others have mentioned, this logline would profit from specifics. Gook luck.
ReplyDeleteI agree with comments above. Maybe try something like:
ReplyDelete"When a Hungarian immigrant Anna Toth finds a shoebox full of mementos from her past, memories of her missing childhood friend come flooding back. After investigating Anna discovers she must solve the mystery before (some dire consequences).
I don't have enough info to write this properly but maybe this will inspire you :)
oops, first sentence above should be "When Hungarian immigrant..."
ReplyDeletesorry for typo :)
Thank you so much for all the valuable suggestions. I don't know if anybody will still read this, but here is the revised version of my logline:
ReplyDeleteWhen a shoebox full of mementos from her bittersweet past prompts Hungarian immigrant Anna Toth to search for her missing childhood friend, she becomes obsessed with the quest and ignores her present life – a husband and two daughters. Anna has to uncover the truth before she loses everything she has worked hard for.