TITLE: RACE TO BUTCH CASSIDY' GOLD
GENRE: Middle Grade Mystery
Twelve-year-old Maggie McCoy wants to be brave and spontaneous, so when she and her fearless cousin Jake discover clues leading to Butch Cassidy's gold, she crumples her "to-do" list in favor of adventure. Racing across Utah with their quirky Grandpa Jim is the grand adventure she's always wanted, until they must outrun a dangerous thief to find the treasure first.
Miss Snark's First Victim
"...clues leading..." should probably be "...clues that will lead..." Also, crumpling her to-do list is cute, but it would work better if she were defined as being not brave, and methodical, instead of what she wants to be. That creates tension.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. I think I've seen a couple of books/movies based on kids searching for Butch Cassidy's gold.
ReplyDeleteI do like the 'crumpling her to-do list'.
The first line of this is fine, but the second gets a little clunky. Try to focus on what will make finding the gold difficult and what will happen if they don't find it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Yeah Utah! ;)
ReplyDeleteMy first thought was, "Why does she want to be brave an spontaneous?" Not really something you can delve into for a logline, but I think just one word of description for Maggie--such as "The timid twelve-year-old Maggie McCoy..."--would answer it enough for me.
I think a little tweaking to the last sentence could pack a stronger punch. "...she's always wanted, until she meets a dangerous thief who will do anything to find the treasure first" or the like. Being more specific ("Who is willing to kill") is always better.
Very good, a great idea for a MG. :)
Thanks for your feedback. I've reworked it a bit, do you think this version is better?
ReplyDeleteWhen timid twelve-year-old Maggie McCoy and her fearless cousin Jake discover clues leading to Butch Cassidy's hidden treasure, Maggie crumples her "to-do" list in favor of adventure. At first, racing across Utah with their quirky Grandpa Jim is the grand adventure she's always wanted, until they meet a dangerous thief who will do anything to find the treasure first.
I like the new version and I think you could tweak it even more. How about:
ReplyDeleteWhen timid twelve-year-old Maggie and her fearless cousin Jake discover clues leading to Butch Cassidy's hidden treasure, Maggie crumples her "to-do" list in favor of adventure. Racing across Utah with their quirky Grandpa Jim is the grand adventure she's always wanted, until they meet a dangerous thief who will do anything to find the treasure first.
Good luck!
My two bobs worth - I don't think it's important we know that she finds the clues with Jake, or that he is fearless (not in the logline anyway). In fact, I'd be inclined to leave Jake out all together, as you introduce too many characters.
ReplyDeleteI'm also not sure that we need to know Grandpa is quirky, or that his name is Jim. Try and keep it focused on Maggie. The use of adventure twice is also a little repetitive. Perhaps something like:
"When timid twelve-year-old Maggie discovers clues leading to Butch Cassidy's hidden treasure, she crumples her "to-do" list in favor of adventure. Racing across Utah with her Grandpa is great fun, until they meet a dangerous thief who will do anything to find the treasure first."
This sound like something I would pick up for my son to read.
Good luck.
Pleeease don't cut 'wants to be brave and spontaneous'. It makes her instantly likeable. In so few words it conjures up a conscientious bespectacled kid who definitely makes 'to-do' lists (wonderful BTW). Being timid and making to do lists don't necessarily go together or make the same sense. 'Fearless' cousin is good because it sets up the contrasting relationship. It's easy to picture how you these two will get along. I think the revision has improved the last line though. Love the premise. Good job.
ReplyDelete