TITLE: The Legend of Tairn Gire: A Prophesy Revisited
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Prince Agmund struggles with personal tragedy and his kingdom's racial unrest as the partnership between a mysterious sorcerer and evil spirit threatens his home, his throne, and his life.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like this. Can you be specific with the personal tragedy?
ReplyDeleteLike that this is already streamlined. Perhaps there is room for a tad bit more detail about how/why they are threatening him? (I also like the name of the Prince:)
ReplyDeleteYou should show us his personal tragedy or his suffering ... you can fit that in nicely to what you've already got and it would be just about perfect for a captivating logline.
ReplyDeleteI like it too. I agree with others that you could specify the personal tragedy, but besides that, this is exactly what a logline should be.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone! I decided to give the specifics of the personal tragedy after the hook so I could keep the logline as tight as possible. It does seem like it's missing some spark though...
ReplyDeleteI wrote notes on a piece of paper as I read your logline. I did not read the previous critiques of your line and wrote down a question. What's the personal tragedy?
ReplyDeleteSeems like there's a consensus :)!
I liked the rest but did wonder if the partnership between the sorcerer and the evil spirit caused the racial unrest -did it?
Thanks for sharing and good luck!
Mary,
ReplyDeleteYou got it.
Sorcerer + evil spirit = problems in the kingdom, LOL!
The prince (and eventually the king) deals with several tragedies brought on by the partnership, but I didn't want to mention all of them in the logline. I do bring up his mother's death (the only tragedy not caused by the sorcerer) in the second paragraph, but thought it might be overkill if mentioned twice. Hmm...I'm just not sure.
I agree that the logline needs more about the racial unrest. How does the evil spirit and the sorcerer threaten?
ReplyDeleteThis is not telling us what he wants. These struggles must be direct obstacles to that.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Well I did some reworking and came up with the following:
ReplyDeletePrince Agmund tries to hold his kingdom together as he struggles with personal tragedy and his kingdom’s racial unrest, while the partnership between a mysterious sorcerer and evil spirit threatens his home, his throne…and this life.
I'm a bit nervous though. I went from a logline of 29 words to 36... What do you think?
Here's one that's 38 words-which do you like better?
ReplyDeletePrince Agmund tries to hold his kingdom together as he struggles with personal tragedy and his kingdom’s racial unrest, but the partnership between a mysterious sorcerer and evil spirit threatens to take his home, his throne…and this life.
I like Susan's version, although I pretty sure it's supposed to be "his" life.
ReplyDeleteYou've got up to 75-words, I think you can splurge go with the 38er!
Good luck!
Ahh...typo-thanks DJ!
ReplyDeletePrince Agmund tries to hold his kingdom together as he struggles with personal tragedy and his kingdom’s racial unrest, but the partnership between a mysterious sorcerer and evil spirit threatens to take his home, his throne…and his life