TITLE: The Eyelet Dove
GENRE: Dieselpunk
When a failed revolutionary once again leads his people in rebellion against the greedy, warmongering nobility of Avalice with their flying fortress and aeroplanes, this time the battle will be fought on the ground and in the skies.
Miss Snark's First Victim
sounds like Mad Max. Is that what dieselpunk is?
ReplyDeleteI like this idea but I would like more specifics on why they are leading a revolution. you call the nobility greedy and warmongering, but maybe add a specific gripe:
"After watching his people return damaged from forced service in Avalice's army, a failed revolutionary....."
or something like that
Sounds like an interesting story you have here, and I think parts of this logline are working. I personally am not sure about the last part: "this time the battle will be fought on the ground and in the skies." It's not very hooky, even though it seems like you want it to be. I mean, considering the nobility of Avalice has a flying fortress and aeroplanes, I figured battles would be on both land and the sky anyway. I think you want something that reveals the stakes and consequences of this second rebellion. What makes this one even more crucial than the first? These are the types of things that are likely to hook more, you know? Anyway, good luck with it!
ReplyDeleteThis is good and really close, just needs a little tightening:
ReplyDeleteA failed revolutionary gets a second chance when the warmongering nobility of Avalice threaten his people with their flying fortress and aeroplanes. This time the battle will be fought on the ground and in the skies, and [Name] ... (does what?)
must find an old technician who can fix his rusty planes?
must learn how to dodge targeting computers?
must armor up the old fort in the desert?
My one quick addition: we need the dude's name. Names help you connect with characters - which is especially important when you only have a sentence or two.
ReplyDeleteInteresting world you have built here. I'm getting hung up on the grammatical side of your entry. Beginning with "When (such and such)" implies an action to occur as a direct result of the phrase. The second part of the sentence is either missing a verb, or the third and final portion is worded incorrectly.
ReplyDeleteFor example: When a failed revolutionary once again leads his people in rebellion against the greedy, THE warmongering nobility of Avalice with their flying fortress and aeroplanes ATTACK. This time the battle will be fought on the ground and in the skies.
That being said, what's the inciditing incident? The MC doesn't just wake up one day and decide to lead a rebellion. The logling should hit that inciding incident, and then address the stakes.
I don't think you need his name in this. Loglines don't always use them.
And what are his consequences for winning/failing.
ReplyDeleteI think it would be more effective if you gave us more about the character, so we can root for someone. Why is it different that it's on the ground AND the sky this time? These are lines that sound good, but aren't actually giving us much information to go on. A few more details and this would be great.
ReplyDeleteGenerally speaking, your inciting incident is supposed to be something that has never happened to the MC before but this sounds like it has. I think you need to emphasize not just why this time is different but how that changes his goal and the ensuing obstacles.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Begins well. But when I was about to be hooked you said, "the battle will be fought on the ground and in the skies." Too obvious. It would be better if you can briefly tell what is at stake.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your comments, this will be very helpful!
ReplyDelete