TITLE: THE OTHER SIDE OF SILENCE
GENRE: Adult fantasy
Being kidnapped by the undead god of war wasn’t Ava’s plan for her 20th birthday. Determined to become Earth’s only god, Ares has already destroyed Yemen for resisting his rule in a global disaster that has the UN panicking. He’s convinced Ava has special powers and can help negotiate with humans. She has to escape before he discovers she has no such power and kills her, but if she leaves, he’ll kill her family.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is really interesting, but I feel the details of where he's already destroyed are wasted space in a logline. I love the concept, but I'm struggling to believe Ares just randomly kidnapped her decided she must have magic. If she's some demi-goddess or such, I wouldn't hide it in logline or query; the plot might seem a little convoluted otherwise.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, I'm interested.
This reads a little more synopsis-ey than pitch-ey. You might rework it to give a feel for stakes and such.
ReplyDeleteLike.. (please don't hate me for rewriting a little and I'm not sure the details will be right, but to give you an idea of what I mean)
When Ava is kidnapped on her 20th birthday by the undead god of war, who mistakenly believes she has the power to negotiate with the UN, she's caught in the middle of Ares' plot to become Earth's only god.
Are all gods undead, or is Ares special?
ReplyDeleteThese are all great details - I love this idea. I think it could use a little tightening up, especially for a logline. The entire sentence about Ares destroying Yemen feels like uneccesary detail for this purpose.
Also, if she was kidnapped, and she's powerless, it doesn't sound like she has the option to just leave. She may in the story, but for the purpose of the logline, I don't know if you need that extra consequence. Saying Ares will kill Ava if he finds out she's not powerful is a pretty big stake by itself.
Maybe something more like (And this is just a suggestion to help see it from a different angle):
Ava didn't plan to be kidnapped for her 20th birthday, but Ares - the god of war - is convinced she's posesses the gift he needs to negotiate with humanity. If she can't escape before he discovers she's useless in his drive to become Earth's only god, he'll destroy her.
All the facts are there. I think the flow of info needs a bit of work. The destruction of Yemen and the threat to her parents should be together.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm not sure I'd mention "before he discovers she has no such powers and kills her". She has plenty of implied motivation to escape.
I like this, but maybe streamlining it a bit would increase the stakes:
ReplyDelete'Being kidnapped by the undead god of war, and watching him raze Yemen wasn't part of Ava's 20th birthday plans. The UN is panicking more than Ava - Ares mistakenly believes she has powers that will help him become Earth's only god. If he discovers she has no powers he'll kill her. If she escapes, he'll kill her family.'
But I like the sound of this one, and think it's effective, tweaks or not.
I agree with the other commenters. This is good, but lacks the urgency (?) usually found in loglines. I don't think you need the line about Yemen. Also, not sure about the use of "undead" to describe a god - I think you mean immortal.
ReplyDeleteHow about something like this: Being kidnapped by the god of war wasn’t Ava’s plan for her 20th birthday. Determined to become Earth’s only god, Ares is convinced Ava has special negotiating powers that can help him. If Ava can't escape before Ares discovers her lack of powers, he'll kill her, but if she leaves, he'll kill her family.
I like the premise, though. I'm always up for greek myths.
Too many details so it doesn't grab me. Try to condense.
ReplyDeleteI really like this premise and I think mythology-related fiction is very "in" right now.
ReplyDeleteI think you can drop "undead".
It reads a little long. Maybe something like:
When Ava's kidnapped by Ares, the god of war, she must escape before he discovers she lacks the powers that will help him become Earth's only god.
I would read this story, though. Especially if there is good tension between Ava and Ares.
The length (and details)of your log line lose me. I really like Jessica's rewrite though. Sounds interesting too.
ReplyDeleteI like Jessica's revision although I would suggest you keep in the part about him killing her/her family as those are her stakes.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly