TITLE: Girls in Their Rooms
GENRE: YA realistic fiction
Shy, insecure, and rebounding sixteen-year-old Evie chats for the first time with Kevin Kaplan, the handsome father of the girls she babysits.
“How did everything go?”
“Your girls are tough to win over,” I say. It seems only appropriate to tell it to him straight.
“I know. It isn’t easy when we’re both here, catering to their every whim. I can only imagine. Any blood shed? Tears? Broken bones? Broken spirits?”
“None of the above, actually,” I start to feel almost confident.
“I think we’ll have to hire you forever, then. And give you a raise. I can throw in a car, too, if you want.”
“I think it will be fine. Next time may not go as well.”
“I think you underestimate yourself.”
“I do in most things, so that is probably accurate.”
“You are a beautiful, and obviously talented young woman with great skills in diplomacy and conflict resolution, considering you got my daughters to bed before midnight,” he says. “You should give yourself more credit.”
I blush, smile and look at the floor. My instincts tell me to insult myself again but I keep from saying anything out loud.
“So, did you drive or is your boyfriend going to pick you up?”
“Uh, I don’t have a boyfriend,” I wonder if the drool of stupidity drips from my mouth. “My mom picks me up after her shift. You know her, Phoebe Patterson?”
“Of course I know Phoebe. Your mom is great.”
“Thanks, I think so too.” Sometimes. Maybe.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I thought this was pretty good. I like the voice and the dialogue sounds mostly real. The only part that read a little false was Kevin's little description : “You are a beautiful, and obviously talented young woman with great skills in diplomacy and conflict resolution, considering you got my daughters to bed before midnight,” It just came off as a little clunky.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, hope this helps. Good luck.
Good, intriguingly creepy (or creepily intriguing?) I would move "It seems only appropriate to tell it to him straight." line to before her response "Your girls are tough to win over." I agree with K Callard about streamlining that line, Consider what are the most important compliments in that line, and kill what you don't need.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely keep reading.
I really like this. I agree with Donna. "Intriguingly creepy" describes this exchange between Evie and Mr. Kaplan. I actually liked him saying "You are beautiful..." etc b/c it shows through dialogue his inappropriate attentiveness that might be too subtle if left out.
ReplyDeleteInterestingly enough, if this was all said by a teenage boy...it would be sweet. I love that fine line drawn.
Also, AMAZING title.
#47
I like this, however you have threse sentences in a row that start with "I think." In all three cases, the I think can be omitted and the lines read stronger.
ReplyDeleteAlso, "drool of stupidity" could be just drool; I think the stupidity sounds too wordy.
I think there are parts that could be cleaned up to make it sound more like natural speech. Things like "that is probably accurate: or "you are a beautuful..." SOme contractions within the speech might make it flow better. Other than that, I thought it was fine but the topic of conversation was less interesting to me. Perhaps if I had a sense of the stakes and what the character is facing would have made me more engaged.
ReplyDeletePerhaps - Your girls 'were' tough to win over.
ReplyDeleteYou might aslo cut - I do in most things, so that is probab;y accurate. She wouldn't understand this about herself. She'd probably see herself as inadequate.
I'd also suggest cutting - My instincts tell me to insult myself again, but I keep from saying anything out loud. Again, she wouldn't think this, and the blush and the glance at the floor say it so much better.
You might consider adding a touch or some other movement from the dad. Something innocent, like touching her shoulder, that implies his intentions are not so innocent at all.
I reread this a few times to see if I could figure out if you were intentionally trying to make Kevin creepy (i.e. is he coming on to her?). The other readers assumed you were and I wasn't so sure. So, in case you aren't, just know that's how it's coming across.
ReplyDeleteEven if you are, I'd still trim the "You are a beautiful, and obviously talented young woman" line as it's a bit stilted. Maybe just "You're obviously quite talented considering you got my kids to bed before midnight." And then have him do something subtle like put his hand on her shoulder. That, to me, is creepier b/c a teenage girl would be confused by a gesture like that from a handsome man.
I agree about the "My instincts tell me to insult myself" line - I don't think she would realize this about herself. And if she's shy and insecure, there'd probably be more physical reaction than verbal (I was like that a bit as a kid).
“I think we’ll have to hire you forever, then. And give you a raise. I can throw in a car, too, if you want.”
I laugh and lower my eyes to the floor. "Maybe we should wait and see."
(cut next two lines)
He places a hand on my shoulder. It's warm and moist. "I think you are a talented young lady, getting my girls to bed before midnight like that."
Agree with the other comments! I'm assuming Kaplan is supposed to be totally skeevy, because that's how he comes across :)
ReplyDeleteI did feel you were vacillating between whether you wanted their awkward flirtation to be in the MC's head or real. I had a sense you were trying to show the contrast between his glib flattery and her shyness, and tags like I blush, smile and look at the floor. My instincts tell me to insult myself again but I keep from saying anything out loud. did this really effectively.
However, if it's real then I think Kaplan should do more with his eyes and body language than with words. Being old enough to hire teenage babysitters myself :) it just doesn't seem realistic for him to call her beautiful to her face. Or ask about her boyfriend. That's just gross, unless he's a total slimeball. If he's not a slimeball, then you need to move a lot of what he says and does to the MC's internal POV. E.g.
ORIGINAL
“I think you underestimate yourself.”
ALTERNATIVE
“I think you underestimate yourself.” I wondered if he was flattering me.
Along these lines, I also wonder if he's really objectively handsome or whether she just thinks he is -- I think it would be more compelling if we learn he's handsome solely b/c that's her opinion. This would illustrate her internal world (and insecurity) nicely, especially if the way she describes him physically suggests maybe he isn't all that.
Good luck!
Most of this was very good, but two lines from the dad really threw me.
ReplyDeleteThe first was the "You are beautiful" line that others have mentioned. I just can't imagine any adult man, no matter how sleazy, saying this to a teenage girl he has just met. If their flirtation has been building over several babysitting engagements, then maybe.
Also, I didn't understand why he asked if her boyfriend would be picking her up. Maybe I'm out of touch, but wouldn't that be a relatively uncommon occurrence? If the point is that he's fishing to see whether she has a boyfriend, I think you could get there more directly. It wouldn't seem strange for a father to ask his babysitter a series of questions about herself, that might start with "what's your favorite subject in school?" and end with "do you have a boyfriend?