TITLE: Texas True
GENRE: Contemporary Romance
Bad boy / former white trash Texan with a “Justified” vibe returns to a small river town in Illinois. He’s out to even an old score and intends on leveling the town via shale drilling. His teenage love and former obsession will do her best to block him. Cooper = dark male lead, Mace = crusty clueless sidekick.
“I need you to be my eyes and ears. My periscope.”
“Why?” The hula girl wiggled a bit as Mace sipped his water.
Sensing his friend’s curious eyes, he stayed remote, flipping his lucky Kennedy half dollar between his thumb and his finger. “Let’s say the town hasn’t exactly forgiven me.”
“I’d say that’s in reverse,” Mace said.
The half dollar rolled to the center of the table.
“You think destroying Saint Delaney will make them love you?”
“Why don’t you say that a little louder?” Coop asked dryly, reclaiming the coin. “People in the next county couldn’t hear.”
“Well, you’re not aiming for stealth, are you? We arrive here in a limo, you and them pretty-boy looks. That G-D watch of yours cost more than homes around here. Them pricey alligator boots you’re wearing probably still have their teeth.”
“My teeth are bigger.”
Mace hooted. “Might as well put a search light up like Batman, except it’d be in the shape of a Stetson. That buzzard over there keeps peeping back here, too.”
He tracked with Mace’s nod toward the counter, taking in a silver-haired man in ratty overalls and a trucker cap wolfing down a plate of scrambled eggs.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Very nice. Pulled me right in and made me want to find out more.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
I liked this (and your comment about a Justified vibe--love that show). The only thing that threw me was the hula girl, because I pictured a dashboard plastic hula girl, but then wondered, is it an actual hula girl, like at a roadside Tiki bar? The setting wasn't immediately clear, but maybe it makes sense within the larger scene.
ReplyDeleteI also thought the hula girl was something on the dashboard.
ReplyDeleteSensing his friends curious eyes, 'Coop' - instead of 'he.' He refers to Mace.
Pargs 4,5,and 6 should be one parg. As is, it seems Coop is speaking in parg 6, when it's really Mace.
And it doesn't seem Mace is clueless at all. He seems to kmow exactly what's going on and has a better handle on the situation that Coop.
I'd suggest establishing a sense of place if it isn't made evident by what comes before this.
The dialogue pulled me into the scene. It had a natural rhythm and sounded authentic. I would love to know what caused this him to want to destroy a town. Also, the hula girl made me think they were in a car.
ReplyDeleteI thought the dialogue in this was great. Both characters have an unusual, but very believable, way of speaking, and the way Mace needles Coop seems true to the way men treat each other.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure the hula girl would make sense in context.
With two men in the scene, it would help if you used Coop's name instead of referring to him so often as "he."
I thought the paragraphing was fine; I read the half dollar rolling as a stand-in for a line of dialogue from Coop--and this was a good way to show that Mace's comment struck a nerve, without saying that.