TITLE: Kitsune
GENRE: Science Fiction
So quiet I wasn't even sure if he heard me, I asked, "What was the real reason you even came here?"
"You." His chocolate brown eyes embraced me.
"What?" Of course I couldn't keep my heart from racing.
"Actually," Natsuke said, "I was wondering if you wanted to come to Elea with me."
He came all this way for that? "Get out."
"Aren't you going to ask why? Or how I knew where to find you?" He quirked his sexy lips at me.
I only stared at him. He knew me too well. "How?"
Instead, he said, "I've been working on something big. Something so big, it has the potential to change the entire way we think about religion. It'll change our understanding of science."
Nothing could have that great of an impact on the galaxy.
"Look," he said, like I didn't believe him--because I didn't--"I've been working on a theory that proves humans evolved from a single Human Homeworld.”
Except that.
I didn't know what to say, so I said the first thing that popped into my mind--the truth. "That's heresy."
You could tell the exact moment when his hope faltered. How could he face an auditorium full of scholars and academic types, possibly even religious types, and hope they believe him when I didn't?
He stared at his teacup. "I know."
Ah, jeez. I couldn't leave him like this. If he stopped believing in himself, then nobody else would believe him either.
"Are you sure?"
He looked up at me.
"Are you one hundred percent positive that you have done everything you can to disprove your own theory?"
Miss Snark's First Victim
This sounds like a pivotal exchange in a story with an intriguing premise. Here are a few things that occured to me as I read.
ReplyDelete"His eyes embraced me" seems awkward to me. It doesn't work as synecdoche or metaphor, doesn't call any imagery to mind, and isn't literally possible.
In "He quirked his lips", I think you mean to imply a sly or lopsided smile. I'm not sure "quirked" is the best way to do it, unless this is a term defined earlier int he MC's inner dialogue.
When he replies, you need to complete the coMparison;
"Instead [of answering], he said, "I've been working"
This is a bit muddled:
"Look," he said, like I didn't believe him--because I didn't--"
How does one speak "like I didn't believe him". You have a specific image in mind, but you haven't described it, you've simply invited us to imagine it. If it's important, describe it. If not, leave it out. Sometimes you need the authorial comment, but its often better to separate it. "Look," he said. He could see I didn't believe him."
The theory really intrigued me - a single human homeworld? And that being heresy? It makes me ask a million questions and want the answers!
ReplyDeleteI think some of the descriptions of the guy are unnecessary. Chocolate brown eyes seems a little cliche to me, and the description of them embracing her is a little awkward. I also don't like the "quirked his sexy lips" line. I think we get that she's attracted to him from the fact that her heart was racing, and there's definitely a "I don't want you here, but I do" tension running through the whole scene that clues us in. Since you've captured that feeling so well, I don't think you need to be so overt about it.
This would be much stronger if you deleted "Of course" "He came all this way for that?" and "He knew me too well." The phrase "like I didn't believe him--because I didn't" could be replaced by "seeing I didn't believe him." Stephen King's book On Writing is very good on cutting words and becoming stronger.
ReplyDeleteThe standout line is your last sentence.
The POV has these throw away lines
ReplyDelete"Nothing could have that great of an impact on the galaxy." and "Except that." These lines catch my attention and I wanted to know more of the inner thoughts of the POV.
I likes the idea of sciene and religion being challenged by the male character's discovery. I like that the POV wasn't buying it, but wanted to know why - was this just another one of his hairball ideas? If her disbief is stronger than his disappointment will be greater.
Great idea. It could use a bit of despriction of the characater's actions(body language).
I have to agree with the chocolate brown eyes... I don't tend to notice people's eye colour to the extend of knowing the shade... On the other hand, it does to well to depict just how much she likes him. And I loved the "except that" line. It sounds like she has a good voice.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this! :)