TITLE: MYSTIC TAXI
GENRE: Alternate History Fantasy
Wanda stole something from Henry the night before, and though he planned to track her down and get it back, she surprised him by coming to him first. He can't help wondering why.
"Your neighbors don't seem like the chatty type." She hadn't stopped smiling.
The word "neighbors" sounded like "naybahs." A southern girl. Henry sighed and backed his way through the door, sweeping out his hand to welcome her in.
"Thank you," she said as she stepped inside.
The woman had guts, he gave her that, but he questioned her intelligence. He outweighed her by a good hundred pounds, though that hadn't stopped her last night. The bruise on the back of his head was gone, but not the memory of how it got there. She obviously wanted something from him and he was curious to know what it was.
"I'd offer you coffee, but I'm fresh out," he lied, inhaling the luscious scent of his morning brew.
"I prefer chicory." She gazed around her, not bothering to take off her coat, meaning she didn't intend to stay. Good. But she did unbutton it and flapped the lapels to fan herself. "You keep it mighty hot in here."
"My kind like the heat."
She nodded as if she understood. "Nice kitchen, though that's the oddest refrigerator I've ever seen."
The robotic arm on the fridge unfurled from its side, two eggs clutched in its steel-clawed hand. It angled as if to throw them like a baseball straight at the woman's head.
Henry stepped in the way and scowled at the fridge. It seemed to know more about her than he did. "What is it you want, uh…"
"Wanda. Wanda Snow."
Miss Snark's First Victim
I liked this; the pacing and the mix of narration and dialogue worked. The only aspect that tripped me up was this:
ReplyDeleteThe word "neighbors" sounded like "naybahs." A southern girl.
I can't for the life of me picture a southern accent as "naybahs" it just sounds New York or New Englander to me. I think it's the "-ahs". Would a southern accent drop the R? I'm a midwesterner, so maybe I have no clue. It just read off to me.
After reading the comment above, I read your dialogue again and I got it. It's this darn Georgia in me! But now I wonder if it would be helpful to have him point out some of the inflection in her other words so non-southerners can pick up on the rhythm....
ReplyDeleteHope this makes sense:)
I really like the mix of descriptive narrative and dialogue.
ReplyDeleteI was confused by: "I'd offer you coffee, but I'm fresh out," he lied, inhaling the luscioud scent of his morning brew. ?? Is he holding a cup? or is it freshly made in the kitchen? If he can smell it, why doesn't she?
It's too good of a line to be thrown away in this manner.
I was also tripped up by the "naybahs", it didn't come out sounding southern in my head.
Love the fridge!!
"Naybah" is a spelling used to show how New Englanders pronounce the word. Perhaps "naybawr" would make people think of southerners.
ReplyDeleteThis might have been the wrong piece of dialog to show, since I don't understand why he would invite her in if she struck him on the head the night before.
Love the refrigerator ready to throw eggs. We are obviously missing something important in this scene. As Mark said, why would he invite her in if she'd struck him on the head. Why would he ask her name, hasn't he met her before? But all that suspense just makes me want to read more.
ReplyDeleteWhere can I buy one of those refrigerators? The dialogue pulled me into the scene, and I would keep reading just to find out why this guy invited his attacker into his house. I am curious about the statement "my kind like the heat."
ReplyDelete