TITLE: Waiting for Paint to Dry
GENRE: Upmarket Women's Fiction
Then Greg opens his mouth.
“So, Matty,” he starts. “Claire says you’re onboard and we couldn’t be happier.”
“Onboard about what?” I say with a mouthful.
Claire readjusts herself in her seat. “The move. To Germany. Remember?”
“Ha!” I laugh and chase what I’ve got in my mouth with the rest of my beer. “I’ll miss you guys.. But I don’t know if I really want to be moving half way around the world with you.”
“Matty,” Greg says, pure confidence. “Claire and I have discussed this a great deal and we believe this would be the perfect opportunity for you, since you don’t have anywhere to live and don’t have a job.”
“True,” I say. “But what would I do there? Be the kid’s Nanny while Claire gallivants around with your co-workers’ wives?” I look at Claire. “No offense meant.”
“None taken,” Claire says back, but I can tell I’ve hit a nerve.
“Look. I really appreciate it. I do. This is a really special opportunity you’re giving me. But, that’s more a job for a college student, not a woman. I love you guys. I do. But… I have a few things I need to tend to,” I say, thinking of the family I’ve pushed away and ignored for too long. Then an old idea jumps to the forefront of my mind. An idea I’ve had for years, yet have never given voice to. Even to myself. “That and...I want a family of my own.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I really like the title :)
ReplyDeleteI like the dialogue, but I found a few humps:
1)"with a mouthful" sound off. Between mouthfuls?
2)"Claire and I have discussed..." felt too long for dialogue. I would suggest breaking it up a bit.
3)"the kid's Nanny" whose kid? your kid's?
Nice flow here. I have a few suggestions, take as you will!
ReplyDeleteI think you can condense the opening to this, omitting the "he starts": Then Greg opens his mouth. “So, Matty. Claire says you’re onboard and we couldn’t be happier.”
I think this next phrase is almost there, but maybe look for a way to replace the repetition of "my mouth." Maybe "my food" or something; not sure, but it reads a bit clunky:
“Ha!” I laugh and chase what I’ve got in my mouth with the rest of my beer.
The dialogue here might work with some condensing, so it sounds more conversational:
“Matty,” Greg says, pure confidence. “Claire and I discussed this, and we believe it's the perfect opportunity. You don’t have anywhere to live, and you don’t have a job.”
I don't think he has to say they discussed it a great deal, the fact that Mattie's friend's discussed it at all is the point.
“But, that’s more a job for a college student, not a woman."
This line might be stronger if she describes the type of woman she is; what is her plight? One descriptor--that she is applying to herself--could show readers what she thinks of herself, even if it isn't true. "not a desperate woman" or "not a lonely woman" or whatever applies. You allude to it in the next statement, so maybe her character reflecting that her friends will open up that dialogue more.
Good luck!
The dialogue is good and gives us a good grounding in the action, but I miss the one-sentence "orientation" that gives us a little more context.
ReplyDeleteA couple of thoughts: the "with a mouthful" reads a bit awkwardly; the next line, where she chases the bite of food down, works better because we know it's food by then. Out of the context, we assume it's food but we don't really know for sure.
This line, by Greg: "Claire and I have discussed this a great deal and we believe this would be the perfect opportunity for you, since you don’t have anywhere to live and don’t have a job.” ....reads as "read" instead of "said." Try communicating the same info out loud as if you're the one talking to someone. Long sentences tend not to feel very authentic in dialogue, because of most of us don't talk that way--we talk in fragments.
Awesome! Thanks y'all :) This is the clunkiest part of my novel... working out the bugs still, so thank you again :)
ReplyDeleteI liked this quite a bit! I agree with the others that the mouthful and swallowing beer was a little rough, but I got the drift and I like that the heroine isn't going to be talked into something she doesn't want to do. Very nice.
ReplyDeletehen Greg opens his mouth.
ReplyDelete“So, Matty,” he starts. “Claire says you’re onboard and we couldn’t be happier.”
Combine these two paragraphs.
“Onboard about what?” I say with a mouthful.
With a mouthful of what? Is she trying to swallow or does she talk and half-choke? This section seems to need more tension.
Claire readjusts herself in her seat.
Show her readjusting herself.
“Ha!” I laugh and chase what I’ve got in my mouth with the rest of my beer. “I’ll miss you guys.. But I don’t know if I really want to be moving half way around the world with you.”
I think it's halfway; but you might want to check it out.
“Matty,” Greg says, pure confidence.
Not sure one word can depict confidence. Maybe he does something nonverbal, like put his elbows on the table or lean close and talk loud?
I'd like to see her get annoyed that these people are pushing her to do what they want. If not anger, then some other emotion to add tension.