TITLE: The Amaterasu Project
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
Jaewon meets his best friend, Young, outside his school. They’re both standing in front of a newspaper kiosk. Note to readers: “Hyung” and “Oppa” mean “older brother” in Korean.
“Hyung,” Young says as I reach him, “This magazine says modern women are going to fortune tellers to predict their loves lives and that they really believe in this crap. It says fortune tellers advise women never to marry the fourth man they date, saying it will only bring bad luck, while marrying the eighth man is ideal.”
“Just be the eighth then.”
“No. You don’t understand. If you were Sunhee’s third boyfriend and she’s dated two guys after you, then that means she still has to date two more guys before I’m the eighth.”
“Your middle school education has really done wonders for you.”
“I CAN’T STAND TO WATCH HER DATE TWO MORE GUYS.”
“Young, it’s a magazine. It’s not even a women’s magazine. It’s a MEN’S STYLE magazine. Calm down.”
I feel a whoosh of air and then someone grabs me from behind, her arms circling around my waist. “Oppa!” Sunhee squeals. “I haven’t seen you in forever.”
“Sunhee- ah,” I say, twisting around so I’m facing her. “Do you believe in the fortunes of fortune-tellers?”
She blinks and then smiles broadly. “Oh for sure.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like this. The conflict and the character's personalities come across in the dialogue. In the first paragraph, I think it should be "their love life", not "loves lives".
ReplyDeleteI liked it but I am curious: if oppa and Hyung mean the same thing why not use just one. It's kind of confusing...to me.
ReplyDeleteyou say: I feel a "whoosh of air and then someone grabs me from behind, her arms...." Maybe make the reveal that its a female a surprise for the next piece of dialog.
Other than than, this was a very interesting piece!
The back and forth is very good and believable.
ReplyDeleteMaybe Young could actually quote a line from the magazine. As it is, that first line is a little clunky. Likewise the "middle school education" insult could be a bit quicker.
Maybe "fortunes FROM fortune tellers"? or just "do you believe in fortune tellers"?
I would watch for repetition in the dialogue, like using "fortune tellers" twice in a row; maybe replace the second occurance with a word that shows how the character feels about them. Like "these hacks advise women..."
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if you can show a little about the characters in their reactions to one or two statements. Like after it says "just be the eight then," you could replace the "no, you don't understand" with the character shaking his head or something indicating a physical response of no. Then the dialogue that follows. I don't think you need a line in all caps either; if you maybe italicize "stand" or one other word for emphasis, and then maybe show a character's physical reaction, stance, or he grabs a magazine from the kiosk, something to show the agitation.
This is lively and inviting, except for Young's one dive into exposition:
ReplyDelete{“This magazine says modern women are going to fortune tellers to predict their loves lives and that they really believe in this crap. It says fortune tellers advise women never to marry the fourth man they date, saying it will only bring bad luck, while marrying the eighth man is ideal.}
A couple of things struck me about this (aside from the extraneous "s").
First, I'm guessing that in context, you have already indicated that Young is standing in front of a magazine rack. If so, he doesn't need to say "this magazine". If he says "this", I'll assume it's a magazine.
Second: The comment seems a little long. When people talk, there is a lot of back and forth, and a brief beat over to the other speaker would give this vibe and break up his point.
Third: Young's phrasing here seems a little forced. Now, that may be his characterization--it's hard to know from this snippet. If not, condensing his comment a little, even at the expense of introducing a fragment, gives a more natural sound--at least to my ear.
{“This says modern women are going to fortune tellers to predict their love lives--that they really believe in this crap."
"Yeah, so?"
"It says women should never marry the fourth man they date, that it will only bring bad luck, while marrying the eighth man is ideal.”}
Having said that, it's a great pull that makes me care about Young already!
The dialog feels much too formal for young adults. Agents and editors are extremely demanding that young adult dialog sound authentic. Sunhee, though she just has a short line, sounds more like a young adult.
ReplyDeleteI haven't read all the dialogues yet, but so far this is my favourite. I laughed out loud when Jaewon says "Just be the eighth then." I already get a feel for their relationship and how insecure Young is.
ReplyDeleteThat said, Young's first line is too long and awkward. I think it should be broken up with more banter. As well, I don't know any teen boy who would use the phrase "modern women." I see there have been suggestions for editing it, but I'll throw mine in.
We usually don't say what we're referring to, we point to it. Instead of dialogue tags, you might use a gesture. For instance, you could write:
As I reach him, Young points to a magazine in a stand. "This says women now use fortune tellers to predict their love lives."
"So?"
"They're saying it's bad luck to marry the fourth guy they date. For good luck, they have to marry the eighth guy."
A little more physical reaction to what's being said would be nice, too. Maybe Young pounds the top of the stand for emphasis.
Why the "woosh" of air?
#9
I also like the back and forth, but I almost felt like the opening where he reads off the magazine was a bit long (like others have mentioned). It almost felt as if he was translating the article. I'd suggest making it a bit less formal. Otherwise, I liked it, esp. the line "Just be the eighth, then."
ReplyDelete