TITLE: The Story of Bean
GENRE: Fantasy/steam punk
Bean, after catching Fredrick, is quite eager to find out who and what he is.
“What is it that you do?” Bean inquired.
“What do you mean,” Fredrick replied.
“Are you a gentleman of trade or a gentleman of fortune?”
“Both I suppose.”
“You suppose? Are you unsure?” Bean asked.
Fredrick laughed, “I suppose I am both, but I am more a gentleman of fortune.”
“I suppose spies cannot be considered gentleman as they deal in secrets,” Bean replied with a smile.
“Spy, who said I was a spy?!”
“Fredrick, you are invisible. What trade other than secrets would an invisible man be in?”
“Quite right,” Fredrick admitted. “Yes, my trade would be in secrets, but I promise I only use my ability for the good of the empire.”
“The good of empire requires you to spy on young ladies?” Bean mocked.
“No,” Fredrick chuckled ackwardly. “It does not. It was an unfortunate accident that brought me here.”
“I see.” Bean thought for a moment. “Well I am glad I met you.”
“Are you?”
“Yes, you have been one of the few interesting happenings of the past three years. I am usually getting into trouble for being unnaturally un-lady-like.”
“Un-naturally-un-lady-like?” Fredrick questioned. “Did your mother teach you nothing?”
“I have no mother,” Bean replied, attempting not to feel the emptiness that ached in her stomach.
“I am sorry.”
“Why are you sorry? You could not have known.”
“I am sorry you are without a mother. You must miss her.”
“How do you miss something you never had?”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I honestly didn't know Bean was a girl until she said she was unladylike. It sounded like two boys talking. If this is the "meet-cute" of your story, you may want to see if there's a way to add a bit more "chemistry" to their encounter ;-).
ReplyDeleteI notice you use a lot of alternate tags for your dialogue, i.e., inquired, asked, replied (x3), mocked, admitted, questioned. "Said" is not an altogether horrible choice, as readers tends to gloss over it. It's more of a label than a sore thumb.
If you're looking for ways to add character to the dialogue and avoid "said," you might consider descriptions of the character's actions.
For example:
ORIGINAL:
“What is it that you do?” Bean inquired.
“What do you mean,” Fredrick replied.
“Are you a gentleman of trade or a gentleman of fortune?”
“Both I suppose.”
ALTERNATIVE:
“What is it that you do?” Bean asked.
Frederick's eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”
“Are you a gentleman of trade or a gentleman of fortune?”
He shrugged. “Both I suppose.”
One last note:
"Well I am glad I met you."
"Are you?"
“Yes, you have been one of the few interesting happenings of the past three years. I am usually getting into trouble for being unnaturally un-lady-like.”
I lost the train of thought between those last two sentences. Within the scene as presented, this comes across as a complete non sequitor. If you read the sentences in their plainest form, it may become easier to see what I mean:
"I'm glad I met you."
"Are you?"
"Yes, you're interesting. I get in trouble because I act like a boy."
Of course, this is all just MHO - thanks for sharing!
I thought the MC was a young boy, based on the language and manner of speaking. Neither character came across to me as speaking like an adult.
ReplyDeleteIt also reads as a very polite conversation. What are these two doing as they speak? Frederick has been 'captured.' How does he feel about that? Is he angry? Is he tied up? Perhaps add some emotions, some mannerisms, that denote character, that make them more than talking heads.
Agree with the others - I also didn't realize Bean was a girl. More importantly, I couldn't really tell Bean from Fredrick from the way they spoke. As A M Perkins, suggests, tags would help distinguish each character's attitude and mood.
ReplyDelete---
I'd also use more contractions. Wasn't sure if you're going for a "Victorian" or more formal and old-fashioned-sounding tone here. If so, it works better in some sections than others. E.g.
ORIGINAL
“I have no mother,” Bean replied, attempting not to feel the emptiness that ached in her stomach.
“I am sorry.”
“Why are you sorry? You could not have known.”
“I am sorry you are without a mother. You must miss her.”
“How do you miss something you never had?”
ALTERNATIVE
“I have no mother,” Bean replied, attempting not to feel the emptiness that ached in her stomach.
“I'm sorry.”
“Why are you sorry? You couldn't have known.”
“I'm sorry you're without a mother. You must miss her.”
“How do you miss something you never had?”
---
The invisibility aspect is interesting! I was left wondering, though, whether it was completely novel in this world or whether Bean has encountered other invisible characters before. How surprised is she? (She doesn't seem very surprised.) Also, it would be nice to have at least a hint of why Fredrick is invisible -- does Bean have something he wants? Why is he here? She doesn't seem bothered by him but if someone were sneaking up on me by being invisible I think I'd at least be a little unnerved, even if I tried to hide it :)
Just a note, Steampunk the genre is one word.
ReplyDeleteLittle editorial comment: "The good of THE empire requires you to spy on young ladies?" (I added "the" to the sentence).
I'm assuming we know Bean's a girl from even before this dialogue takes place.
Not that I disagree (entirely) with what people said above, I just was totally okay with your prolific use of dialogue tags and formal language. It's a common "style" in steampunk and fantasy, especially the light-hearted of those genres and the ones that take place in alternate-Londons--like Gail Carriger novels. I DO think it's a tough style to pull off with consistency, although you do a great job in this snippet. Just watch out for adverbs. Like chuckled "awkwardly." --awkward to read.
Woot for a girl having a "boy" ish name. (I'm thinking Bean from Ender's Game).
Disclaimer: I don't write adult, so I'm not HUGELY knowledgeable on adult voices.
Change the "'I supposed I am both...'" line. Something more like "A gentleman of fortune then."
ReplyDeleteDrop or change the "as they deal in secrets." Also change secrets below. Lots of people deal in secrets.
The "I promise I only use my ability..." line has got to go. Just "but I do it for the good of the Empire." Spies shouldn't promise.
I don't understand the relationship of these two sentences: “Yes, you have been one of the few interesting happenings of the past three years. I am usually getting into trouble for being unnaturally un-lady-like.”
And I don't don't if Fredrick disapproves of her grammar there, or her behavior. Also, I don't think he'd assume that Bean would have know her mother.
TO me, this read like talking heads. I don't get a sense of where we are or who the characters are. Perhaps just a few brief descriptors so we can picture them?
ReplyDelete