TITLE: Anomaly
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Some say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but I think it just makes people forget. I hold a photo of Rachel, me, and Michael sandwiched in a hug on the last day of freshman year.
I cover Rachel’s image with my thumb and convince myself, for a moment, that it’s just Michael and me. I remember how he smelled that day—like charcoal pencils and fabric softener. When I pull my thumb away reality kicks me in the butt because I know his scent will have to be just that, a memory. And in the end, I know I’ll be forgotten.
There’s a knock on my bedroom door.
“Maya, honey,” Mom calls, “We need to talk.”
Anytime someone says, we need to talk, it feels like a drop kick in the stomach. There should be a ban on starting conversations with the words: we need to talk.
“Hold on a sec,” I yell. I set the picture back inside one of the many boxes scattered all over my room. I hate unpacking. No, actually, I hate moving. I hate picking up my life, throwing it into worn cardboard boxes labeled with black sharpie, and having to start over again and again and again.
“Maya?” Mom calls.
“Yeah?”
“I’m coming in,” Mom announces as she opens the door.
I throw my hands up in the air and refrain from giving Mom a look. What’s the point of knocking, if she’s just going to barge in anyway?
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like how I feel the conflict right away. I already understand the love triangle, and I like the detail about charcoal pencils and fabric softener.
ReplyDeleteI totally get what she's saying about, "we need to talk" conversations.
I love the MC's voice, too. I think I'm hooked!
(apologies if this posts twice)
ReplyDeleteI like the voice and I'm sympathetic to the unrequited love.
I'm a tiny bit confused right now about whether that love triangle will actually be a part of this story. She moved away, right? Is the story going to be all about new stuff and this is just background info? (if so, way to give background in a seamless, non-dumpy way).
I thought the order of the sentences and the paragraph breaks in the beginning were awkward. The line about holding the photo separated from the rest of the photo paragraph and put on the line with the lead-in thought made me miss that it was the beginning of the actual scene.
I'd either keep that line with the next paragraph or I'd start with it and move the line about distance to just before "And in the end,..."
Strong writing! And I like the details you throw in (charcoal, fabric softener).
ReplyDeleteI might start with the second sentence and move the first second down. Like this:
I hold a photo of Rachel, me, and Michael sandwiched in a hug on the last day of freshman year.
I cover Rachel’s image with my thumb and convince myself, for a moment, that it’s just Michael and me. I remember how he smelled that day—like charcoal pencils and fabric softener. When I pull my thumb away reality kicks me in the butt because I know his scent will have to be just that, a memory. Some say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but I think it just makes people forget.
If you did that, you wouldn't need this line: And in the end, I know I’ll be forgotten. (Because your first sentence, when moved, says it in a more powerful way.)
Good luck!
I like the voice and the description. My only nitpicky comment would be that the dread at hearing 'we need to talk' and the subsequent comment about how it can only be bad has been done over and over. It would make me hesitate to go further because I'd be afraid that the ms might be full of cliches. The rest of it is strong. Again, good voice.
ReplyDeleteGreat writing - I liked the MC's voice, the immediate sense of action, and the hints at mystery. Would definitely read more!
ReplyDeleteI like the first line, and really like the sentiment that people should never say "we should talk." Great line and a little insight into the character.
ReplyDeleteMore YA these days seem to be told in first person present, so I would watch how other authors handle it. I think there's a tendency to go into a lot of stage direction; I hold, I cover, I remember, I pull... In a 1st POV you can take advantage of that closeness and not use the "I" so much; some of those sentences will read stronger; like the second line loses a little impact the way it is now with her just holding a photo. How does she feel about it? Show us something about the character through the photo. Maybe something like:
The photo of Rachel, me, and Michael sandwiched in a hug on the last day of freshman year causes my stomach to drop. (or whatever physical reaction or emotion she might feel about seeing the picture).
I think you have the framework for a good start. Best of luck to you!
Good opening. I like the voice and opening line. You can tell she's a bit pessimistic. It's sad that she feels she'll be forgotten. I think you do a nice job capturing her frustration about moving.
ReplyDelete