TITLE: The Last First Kiss
GENRE: Romance
Madeline Carol was drowning again. Her chubby toddler arms splashed at the air above her head, too scared to pull down on the water to keep herself afloat like I’d been trying to teach her at swim lessons for the past two years. She was three, so her inability to grasp the concept of swimming was acceptable, unlike Harriet Carol’s inability to grasp the concept of babysitting.
I tweeted my whistle, launched a compact jump from the guard stand, and hit the water feet first. Madeline was my first save of the summer, but if this summer was anything like the past six summers I’d lifeguarded at Lakeside pool, she wouldn’t be my last. In the twenty-two years I’d lived with Grandma Margoe, my small hometown of Dansbury, Pennsylvania had taught me four undeniable, unforgettable things: evacuate up the mountain when the creek floods, boys who lived on the mountain were bad news even if their families were rich, my neighbors were nosy, and none of those things would ever change. This was my last summer in Dansbury. Maybe wherever I ended up would have different rules that I would have to learn, and learn the hard way like I’d learned Dansbury’s rules, but I was okay with that as long as I ended up far away from Dansbury.
I pencil-dove under the water, scooped Madeline around the waist, and dragged her kicking and flailing to the surface.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Great job establishing the MC's personality in this short passage. She seems rather wise for a young woman, and has a certain resignation about small-town living.
ReplyDeleteAlso, first-person POV is sometimes clunky to read, but your prose is fluid and engaging. I appreciate the adept weaving-in of that snippet of backstory.
I'd read on.
I'm really loving how we're getting straight to a bit of action while still getting a lot of insight as to the personality of the main character.
ReplyDeleteOne small consistency thing I did notice was that in one paragraph she's doing a compact jump and in the next it's a pencil dive.
I felt a little different in that I at first expected the toddler to be important to the story since it starts with her drowning.
ReplyDeleteYou might want to move things around just a tiny bit so that her story comes after you explain Dansbury or in the middle of that to almost show one of the reasons you can't wait to get out of the town. Just one persons opinion.
I have to say I would definitely read further I want to know the big reason she's so anxious to leave.
Nice beginning. As Holly said, I already love the girl's personality. The knowledge of flash floods to bad boys shows me she's wise above her years. It will be interesting to see how such a personality plays out with a love interest. Would be interested to see her being vulnerable.
ReplyDeleteAs far as opening lines, I liked it. Sure, drowing toddler could be misleading, but the fact that heroine mentally takes it in so casually is one more clue to her personality.
I liked the narrative and the voice. I think the tension here--the drowning girl--evaporates very quickly, and then there's not much to carry me forward except the voice (which, it probably would) and the question of why is she leaving and where is she going (but that might be as mundane as "to college").
ReplyDeleteTwo things gave me pause, though.
1) Maybe I don't go to the pool enough, but I had trouble imagining that a life guard would let a three year old she knows can't swim into the pool without a life vest. That just seems extremely irresponsible and a huge liability for the pool owners.
2) I had some logic issues with the string "...she wouldn’t be my last...and none of those things would ever change." The logic doesn't flow because it implies she knows she'll have to save more people because of what she's learned... But the last line says none of those three things, none of which have anything to do with life guarding, will ever change. It's as if the line of reasoning on how she knows that won't be her last save has been abandoned to talk about other things. Try "and nothing in Dansbury ever changed" to tie it all together better.
I also thought Madeline Carol was going to be the main character and had to do a POV shift.
I like the voice here a lot, and I like all the info about living in Danbury, but I think because there was so much of it in the space between when the main character notices Madeline is drowning and when she dives in to rescue her, it made her seem a little apathetic about the situation. Maybe the info could be trimmed a bit or the order tweaked?
ReplyDeleteI like this, but something about her seemingly-lax reaction to a toddler drowning is shocking to me. I had to re-read the first paragraph 3 times to really get what was happening. I think this just needs some tweaks to clear things up a bit.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. My only hiccup up was with the double 'water entry'. I'd be inclined to delete 'I pencil-dove under the water' as hitting the water feet first gave me a great visual.
ReplyDeleteJust like everyone above I like this but have a few issues with it. The first paragraph made me think Madeline was the MC, and that they were in a swimming lesson. The string after 'this wouldn't be my last' didn't make sense to me much like Heather said above. Also, the 'feet first' and 'pencil dove' part could be tweaked. Without these minor issues I think this would be very strong. Good work!
ReplyDeleteI really like the voice! I'd be interested in reading more.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with what Heather points out about allowing the toddler near the water.
I think brig has a good point, too. You might consider starting it a few lines later...like maybe with the line:
In the twenty-two years I’d lived with Grandma Margoe, my small hometown of Dansbury, Pennsylvania had taught me four undeniable, unforgettable things: evacuate up the mountain when the creek floods, boys who lived on the mountain were bad news even if their families were rich, my neighbors were nosy, and none of those things would ever change.
Overall, really nice start!
I agree with others about her reaction to the toddler drowning being too lax. Also, you list "Romance" as your genre, but this feels YA - it is YA Romance? You might want to clarify. Good luck!
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ReplyDeleteThank you for all for your insight! The genre is romance, not YA, as the main character is 23 years old, although I see your perspective. The MC is breaking out of small-town living, so it has a “coming of age” feel to it, common for YA.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of the drowning toddler, the MC is an experienced lifeguard who has hundreds of saves under her belt, one of which nearly fatal, so scooping out a drowning toddler is just an easy day on the job for her. I wasn’t going for lax but rather experienced and comfortable with her skills to handle the situation with grace.
Obviously a little editing is necessary; thanks again for steering me in the right direction!
Thank you for all for your insight! The genre is romance, not YA, as the main character is 23 years old, although I see your perspective. The MC is breaking out of small-town living, so it has a “coming of age” feel to it, common for YA.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of the drowning toddler, the MC is an experienced lifeguard who has hundreds of saves under her belt, one of which nearly fatal, so scooping out a drowning toddler is just an easy day on the job for her. I wasn’t going for lax but rather experienced and comfortable with her skills to handle the situation with grace.
Obviously a little editing is necessary; thanks again for steering me in the right direction!
Haha, sorry about the above double post. Technical difficulties….
ReplyDeleteI definitely like this and would keep reading more. Love the voice. I don't have anything new to critique. I'd just change the opening around a little bit, per what Heather and Secret Agent said. Great start though!
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