TITLE: Issue 339
GENRE: YA Light SF
Writer Greg Amadeus saw nothing wrong when he first glanced up from his laptop: breezy open window, shelves of brand-new action figures, angry youth in a ski mask--
Amadeus stopped typing. He looked again. A teen as still as the action figures sat on the rolley-chair on the other side of Amadeus' mahogany desk. A red ink blotch streaked above his left brow.
Amadeus jumped a bit and coughed, more annoyed than frightened. "You know you've been writing comics too long when weirdly-costumed kids don't surprise you anymore." Amadeus closed his laptop. It occurred to him the kid had said something.
"Excuse me?" Amadeus asked.
"Why would you kill off a superhero's parents, and every girl he's ever loved, like that?" the kid repeated, whispering. His fingers clenched.
Amadeus chuckled, raising an eyebrow. "Back up. I don't usually have signing hours right now. But I do respect that you're a hard-core fan--that's Gavalon costume, you've got on--" He paused, a little disturbed. "I never published my Gavalon story."
"Answer my question, Mr. Writer."
Amadeus stiffened. "Your question. Yes. I'm sorry." He wasn't. He felt disrespected, but he'd tolerate the freak. " Skye: 339, right?"
"Yes."
"Sold out in comic stores first week. Got us a movie deal! Here." The cover of the comic Amadeus un-shelved showed a muscular black-haired youth, torso twisting, hand grasping towards the fourth wall as his mouth opened in a silent scream. "Betrayal" with an exclamation mark, in bright red letters, bulged above his head.
"Why that ending?" rasped the boy.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I would definitely keep reading this.
ReplyDeleteBut shouldn't it read "that's a Gavalon costume?"
Very cool opener. I definitely get where you're heading, and your quirky voice matches up well. A couple thoughts below:
ReplyDelete------
Amadeus stopped typing. He looked again. A teen as still as the action figures sat on the rolley-chair on the other side of Amadeus' mahogany desk. A red ink blotch was streaked above his left brow.
Amadeus jumped a bit and coughed, more annoyed than frightened. you don't need quotes for thoughts "You know you've been writing comics too long when weirdly-costumed kids don't surprise you anymore." Amadeus closed his laptop. It occurred to him the kid had said something. This stretches my suspension of disbelief. Assuming there's no like blaring music playing, it doesn't seem at all feasible that he just doesn't notice the kid saying something. You could just as easily cut this and the "Excuse me" paragraph and go straight to the question
"Excuse me?" Amadeus asked.
"Why would you kill off a superhero's parents, and every girl he's ever loved, like that?" the kid repeated, whispering. His fingers clenched.
Amadeus chuckled, raising an eyebrow. Already, I'm noticing you have a surfeit of 'body tags.' Chuckling, brow-raising, jumping, coughing, clenching fingers. After a point, we start to scan over these things, and they stop adding to the tone of the scene. "Back up. I don't usually have signing hours right now. But I do respect that you're a hard-core fan--that's insert "a" Gavalon costume, you've got on--" He paused, a little disturbed. Seems like realization should come before being disturbed. The progression here just seems jumpy to me. "I never published my Gavalon story."
"Answer my question, Mr. Writer."
Amadeus stiffened. "Your question. Yes. I'm sorry." He wasn't. He felt disrespected, but he'd tolerate the freak. "extra space here Skye: 339, right?"
"Yes."
"Sold out in comic stores first week. Got us a movie deal! Here." The cover of the comic Amadeus un-shelved showed a muscular black-haired youth, torso twisting, hand grasping towards the fourth wall as his mouth opened in a silent scream. "Betrayal" with an exclamation mark, Why not just "Betrayal!"? in bright red letters, bulged above his head.
"Why that ending?" rasped the boy.
----
Best of luck!
This is really cool, and having read your pitch elsewhere, I totally see where you are going with this.
ReplyDeleteBecause of the pitch, I'd definitely keep reading, but I do feel like if the audience is YA, it might be more compelling to start off with the superhero's perspective rather than the writer's. Maybe. Ok I'm waffling on this ... but it reads more like a prologue to me (maybe that's what it is?)
At any rate it's nicely written and certainly makes for a lot of intrigue as a standalone piece!
I like this. My favorite thing was the way that you were able to make the stranger sitting in your office somthing that while not normal was not as strange by giving the narrator's backstory but also without going into a long explanation.
ReplyDeleteAlso if I'm correct about where it's going. What you wrote sets that up well.
I've been following this for the past six months or so. It has always stood out to me because a superhero coming to life and going after his writer is intriguing, and you handle it well from what I've seen so far.
ReplyDeleteI only have one quibble: How can Amadeus see the gash above the superhero's brow when the superhero's wearing a ski mask?
Yeah, I don't know how Greg sees the gash.. ditto, actually, on knowing the kid is angry before he shows his anger.
ReplyDeleteWhile I love what I imagine is the concept here, I'm not sure I'm totally buying this setup.
WHERE are they? Is this his office? Is his office a public building random people have access to, like his comic book company or something? Or is this his office at his house (where I'm more accustomed to writers actually having their offices)?
If it's his house, then I don't care what he's wearing, this is a home invasion, and Greg should be either irate or frightened and should be calling the cops.
When he realizes the kid is in a Gavalon costume, I doubt he'd be answer the kid's question... I figure he'd be focusing on the fact that the kid is dressed as a character that had never seen the light of day. I'd expect him to either be freaked because how the hell did the kid know? Or angry because somewhere, someone is leaking his unpublished work....
I'd buy this scene if these things were addressed in some way or if it was clear they're in a location it's acceptable for fans to pop up in.
I've seen this in some other contests and have been intrigued by the concept. I agree with Riley's suggestions about the quotes/italics (both not needed) and the excessive body traits. Those body reactions are great when used more sparingly, but it's slowing the pace here. I'm really intrigued how this will work for YA as it starts with an adult POV; maybe this is more of a prologue to show the interaction from that side, which is pretty funny. I would definitely keep reading to see how this was all put together.
ReplyDeleteI also recognize this entry from a pitch contest. I am definitely intrigued.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do agree with the other comments. I'd also like to add that I'm not quite sure I buy Amadeus' reaction to the costumed stranger(?). The first lines suggest he was in his office. How did the guy in the costume get in? Wouldn't Amadeus be more surprised?
I like the idea here, but I feel a little ungrounded. The setting is a little too vague. I'm guessing this is the writers office, but is it his house or somewhere else? And I do think he would be something other than amused by finding a stranger sitting on the other side of the desk.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue is strong though and the emerging story seems intriguing. I'd read on.