TITLE: Dragonfriend
GENRE: YA - High Fantasy
The lazy afternoon sun shone down on Munjin as he watched the slow approach of three boys with hate caked under their fingernails. The soft breeze, full of the fine autumn aromas of pine and cut hay, also held the scent of prey. Munjin, frozen as if he watched himself in a dream, stood still as the trio, like harvest scythes, left broken stalks in their wake.
“Munji …”
Munjin stiffened as his name floated over the grass, and rattled the length of his spine. He knew the voice—Silas—and it packed his belly with dread. Not the biggest of the Kolva brothers, or even the meanest, but it was Silas who possessed an unerring ability to find Munjin when he was alone.
He cut his gaze to the nearby creek as it burbled past him. He preferred possible drowning to another round with the village’s premier bullies. Like wolves, the Kolva brothers traveled in packs. Together made a savage fist that hammered unlucky dogs, and lone boys.
Or Munjin could run for the forest; weave through the tall pines and elms along the paths of the woodsmen and trappers. The Kolvas might tire of chasing him. As he gazed at the river one more time, he could almost feel the cold swift waters bearing him away.
No. He was his father's son. He awkwardly adjusted the sheepskin hat that might have fit a larger boy, and waited for the Kolvas.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Totally hooked!!!!! I so want to read more.
ReplyDeleteEven just the names that you picked drew me in. The descriptions are great I love "hate caked under their fingernails" and "packed his belly with dread".
I like it in general but felt the descriptions were a bit I we contrived a times. I also wonder if it would read better in first person? Just a thought? Otherwise I could visualise where I was and in general liked it.
ReplyDeleteYou had me at hate-caked fingernails! I enjoyed the descriptions, and how you worked in the setting and gave a good sense of place as Munjin looks around and considers his escape options. I want to know more and see what happens next!
ReplyDeleteI like it! From the hate-caked fingernails to his name floating over the grass and rattling the length of his spine. Very nice.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that made me pause was, "He was his father's son. He awkwardly adjusted ..." I wasn't sure if he was being brave or a pushover. I think if I knew how he felt about his father, this could be cleared up for me. But that might be in the next sentence for all I know.
Nicely done. Best of luck!
I like how he's his father's son, so he stands and waits. I'd read on.
ReplyDeletethe first paragraph has a lot of nice stuff in it, for me it just needs a little re-working to make it flow: see my comments in [brackets]
"The lazy afternoon sun shone down on Munjin as he watched the slow approach of three boys with hate caked under their fingernails. [at first I had to re-read "hate", wasn't sure if it was a typo because I got nothing menacing about the three boys until the hate. Maybe say the three bullies instead of three boys, something to let us know that "hate cacked under fingernails" is a literary sentence, and not a mistake.] The soft breeze, full of the fine autumn aromas of pine and cut hay, also held the scent of prey. [again almost worked for me, but not quite. Munjin is the prey, but I don't think he's smelling himself or any other prey. Maybe say seemed to hold the scent of prey. Or, Munjin couls smell the musk of fear from a deer about to be brought down by hounds, only there was no deer...] Munjin, frozen as if he watched himself in a dream, stood still as the trio, like harvest scythes, left broken stalks in their wake." [Here just add that they're walking through a feild, so we know they are actually leaving broken stalks, and this isn't merely a metaphor thrown in to a different scene: The trio walked through the field with the steady swoosh of harvest scythes, leaving broken stalks in their wake.]
this sentence need a "they" for proper grammar:
"Together [they] made a savage fist that hammered unlucky dogs, and lone boys."
Great job. I'd read on. I always like a story about bullies and the underdog.
I think this is a strong opening, although it's a little slower than I might prefer. I wasn't really hooked until the last sentence where he adjusts his hat and stands to wait -- but that glimpse into his character was enough to make me want to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to see a little more evidence of Munjin's character like that earlier in the excerpt as well -- the opening sentences feel a little too distant to me and don't really draw me in.
But this is a good start!
I enjoy your writing style, and some of your descriptions are so evocative. In other areas, as another commentator mentioned, it seems contrived. You could leave some of it out and move the action forward a little faster.
ReplyDeleteAlso, this is a small thing, but what about instead of "waited for the Kolvas" at the end if you wrote "waited for his destiny" or something like that? That way, you avoid saying Kolva yet again, and it implies that what's about to happen is that much more significant.