TITLE: THE LUCKY FEW
GENRE: YA Suspense
The honour of your presence is requested this evening. 6:00PM.
Those were the only words in perfect, jet-black calligraphy that crossed the formal white parchment of the invitation.
I rubbed a thumb across the ink and felt the fine linen texture of paper between my fingers, then flipped the envelope back over and re-read the front. Miss Blakely G. Sullivan was printed in the same elaborate lettering, leaving no doubt this was for me and not my roommate, Amie.
It all felt oddly familiar, even though I couldn’t place why. Maybe it was the richness of the paper. Or the intricate calligraphy that addressed my name in an elegant brush stroke I thought I recognized.
Whatever it was, I knew I’d seen something like this before. I just couldn’t remember where.
Setting it down, I turned towards the black garment bag now hanging from the door of my closet. It had been one thing to see the white letter shoot across the floor from under my front door. But then when I opened it and found only the bag and not a soul in my hallway, well...
Head cocked sideways with hands on my hips, I drummed my fingers as I stared at the poufy black bag. It could’ve easily contained a body, but since it weighed almost nothing, I already knew that couldn’t be true.
A few quick prods to check for any unnatural groans, I tugged at the zipper, not at all expecting the mass of white feathers that spilled out around me.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm hooked! I like the mystery of this opening, although I'd need to get some answers soon to keep reading. The iconic images -- white letter, black lettering, black bag, white feathers -- make it stand out and provide a nice specificity.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit concerned about Blakely's half-remembered familiarity with the lettering -- that's very hard to do well and leaves me wondering what she's not telling me about herself. But again, that's not necessarily a first-page issue, but something I'd want to see expanded on in the next few pages.
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ReplyDeleteI liked this and would keep reading. While I understand the hinting at something remembered but forgotten was meant to add suspense, but I felt it was a little too much too early on. However, the rest of the excerpt was interesting enough that it wouldn't have stopped me from turning the page.
ReplyDeleteIF those are the only words, how does Blakely know where to go?
ReplyDeleteThe well... isn't needed
Why rub a thumb over the ink? Why not the un-inked surface? unless it's poisoned
"leaving no doubt this was for me and not my roommate, Amie." This would be a good place to tell us where we are, e.g., at Miss Murphy's School for Detectives, or whatever.
It all felt oddly familiar, even though I couldn’t place why. Maybe it was the richness of the paper. She's an expert in papers? Not a usual YA talent. More like a talent of a printer.
She's an expert in calligraphy, too?
Setting it down, I turned towards I think toward is correct, but maybe check this out.
"the black garment bag now hanging from the door of my closet. It had been one thing to see the white letter shoot across the floor from under my front door. But then when I opened it and found only the bag and not a soul in my hallway,
The above paragraph would be better and spookier if shown with sounds and maybe B's fear.
"well... This word not necessary; would rather see her reaction.
Head cocked sideways with hands on my hips, I drummed my fingers
She's not scared? Drumming fingers is usually impatience, so it doesn't fit for me.
as I stared at the poufy black bag. It could’ve easily contained a body, but since it weighed almost nothing, I already knew that couldn’t be true.
How does she know what it weighs until she picks it up?
Subject missing in the first phrase, which is a different topic than the zipper; suggest rewording this.
If it's hanging up, why is she expecting unnatural groans? If it were a creature, wouldn't it fall off the door from the heavy weight?
All in all, a good start; if you rework it would be excellent.
I liked the hint of something in her past. For me, it's a reason to read on.
ReplyDeleteI did think it was weird that she'd take in a strange black bag, that she obviously considered might have a body in it, and hung it up in her closet. It seems more likely she'd just lay it over a chair or on a bed, depending on what's in that room.
I also thought you could start with the bag, rather than the invitation. I wouldn't have her open it, just mention it, becomes it seems to come out of nowhere here. Then go to the invitation and back to the bag. You might even start with the letter coming under the door.
I'd read more.
I like the first line, but you need to keep the excitement/tension going, and I think you spent too much time on the paper.
ReplyDeleteI loved this. I want to know what all the feathers are and where she's going. Great job!
ReplyDeleteLoved it and want to read more!
ReplyDeleteI wonder if this would be stronger if you opened with her seeing the envelope shoved beneath her door, instead of after the fact? The part about the garment bag almost seemed like an afterthought. I would have liked to see her make the discovery.
ReplyDeleteGreat job, though! I'd definitely read on to see what's happening.
The beginning catches my attention, but you need to answer some basic questions pretty darn quick. Like who is it from? What is it about?
ReplyDeleteI think you can get away with saying simply "I stared at the poofy black bag." The other description gets in the way. I like the detail devoted to the paper. It adds ambiance.
I would definitely keep reading.