TITLE: DAY OF THE NOT SO DEAD
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Life’s biggest decisions are made in under a second. Like whether to go left or right when you’re all that stands between a penalty kick and a loss. Especially in a small town where girls’ high school soccer rated right up there with varsity football. Forget that I didn’t make the penalty in the first place. If I went wrong, the loss would be my fault. Welcome to my life.
My hands twitched. I crouched, ready to spring in whatever direction the ball went. Breaths came deep and slow as I tried to quiet my mind so I could hear my body. Not the easiest thing when a thousand eyes were on me. Even harder when none of those eyes belonged to my parents. But to block this kick, I needed to let my body in control. Something that hadn’t come easy since we moved here. More twitching. More breathing. Kick already!
The moment came. Along with a soccer ball at a good 40 mph. Time for that huge life decision. Left. Or right. I wanted to block it so bad, I ached.
Of course, I didn’t. Went left instead of right, but not for any reason you’d think. My body wanted to go right, but at the last moment, a dark smoky shadow popped into my peripheral vision. My left periphery. That’s all it took to pull me in the wrong direction. The ball sailed to my right and disappeared into the net along with any delusions I had about not being a loser.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I would definitely keep reading if I picked this up in a store.
ReplyDeleteDo you mean "let my body have control" instead of "let my body in control?
Also, is the last sentence necessary? Perhaps cut it or condense it and put it before "That’s all it took to pull me in the wrong direction."
This was a gripping beginning, even for someone who doesn't like soccer. Great voice and pacing, and kudos for sliding some backstory into the action with no bumps.
ReplyDeleteI think the prose might be tightened, cleaned up a bit. I had to re-read:
Like whether to go left or right when you’re all that stands between a penalty kick and a loss.
This sounds like if she moves the wrong way, she'll get a penalty kick (or a loss). Try: Like whether to go left or right to keep the penalty kick out of the goal and my team's hopes alive.
The moment came. Along with a soccer ball at a good 40 mph.
"Along with" isn't necessary and dulls the action. Try: The soccer ball shot toward me at 40 mph.
The ball sailed to my right and disappeared into the net along with any delusions I had about not being a loser.
"delusions ... about not being a loser" seems like a double negative. The "along with" repeats from before. Try: The ball sailed to my right and disappeared into the net, crushing my hopes of winning. As usual.
These are just my opinions, of course. Feel free to ignore, and good luck! :-)
I'm not a sports fan at all, but I still really liked your opening. You made it easy to identify with her and the pressure she felt very quickly. I felt like you rushed the appearance and effects of the dark smoky shadow a little though. In the last paragraph the character gets more retrospective and you lose a little of the immediacy you have in your first three paragraphs. I'm not quite sure if she's jerking away from something she's afraid of or if she lose control of her body, so it was a little confusing. Overall though, this was well-written. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering where the fantasy aspect was until the introduction of the shadow. I definitely liked that surprise and though you introduced the element well.
ReplyDeleteMuch luck!
Very nice scene-setting. You do that very well. I was disappointed in the end because I wanted a YA novel (for once) that did not depend on a whoa is me narrator. All the drama and strength of your writing was undercut by the last line which made me certain I would not go on a journey with this narrator. A penalty kick in soccer is a 50-50 proposition - it all comes down to who guesses right - the goalis or the kicker. To have her say she is a loser because she guessed wrong is ridiculous. It would be equally ridiculous to say she was a winner because she guessed right. The kicker is the one who bears the responsibility - the goalie is little more than a pylon. So, it made her seem like a typical YA boo hoo narrator and I can not stomach one more of that.
ReplyDeleteI think this starts with promise. The voice is sympathetic, and I like how you've set up the soccer game with enough detail so I feel grounded.
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused by the last paragraph, however. What did she see? The voice isn't quite as strong there, and it threw me out of the story a little bit.
If there's going to be a major twist like her seeing a shadow, taking more time on it might make the opening stronger.