TITLE: Mother Mona
GENRE: Upmarket Women's Fiction
At LA International Airport, exactly 48 minutes before her flight to Alaska was set to depart, Mona put her leather carry-on bag on the ladies’ room sink and found the four-ounce travel-sized bottle of cheap merlot. As the cleaning lady watched mid-wipe, Mona silently raised the bottle to the little black stuffed dog whose head was peeking out of the carry-on – here’s to … whatever - and drank the entire bottle. Then she opened an outside pocket, retrieved a tiny container of peppermint breath spray, and administered two quick, efficient blasts. Picking up her bag, she tossed the plastic bottle in the trash and took a long, cleansing breath. Then she squared her shoulders and headed toward the line for security.
On the airplane from LA to Alaska, as the pilot announced they’d reached a coasting altitude of 35,000 feet, Mona locked herself in the bathroom, leaned her head against the cool plastic wall, and cried.
When the flight attendant knocked the second time, Mona put her head next to the door and said, “I’m fine.” To the woman in the mirror, pale and shaking, she whispered, “I’m fine.” I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. Then she made her way back to her seat, keeping her eyes on the floor between aisles, her head down, her hand tentatively touching every other seatback for support. Sitting, she pulled her carry-on from underneath the chair in front of her and hugged it to her. Unzipping it, she found the little stuffed dog.
Miss Snark's First Victim
oooooh, I want to read more!
ReplyDeletebest,
MOV
I would read more. The opening raises intriguing questions. What has happened to Mona, why is she taking a stuffed dog with her on the plane, and why is she going to Alaska? All this holds my interest. The scene in the airport bathroom confused me at first. When she "raised the bottle to the dog" I thought that the dog drank the entire bottle (which, of course, confused me). Had to read that twice. Might help to add the words .."in a toast" or something like that. The other problem was in the wording.."keeping her eyes on the floor between the aisles.." I don't know what that means. Is she keeping her eyes on the aisle floor? More careful editing would clear all this up.
ReplyDeleteI'd read more. I want to know why Mona's getting drunk at the airport. What's making her so sad? And what the heck is with the stuffed dog? So far, she seems like an interesting character.
ReplyDeleteIn the first paragraph you have two lines starting with "Then", and it is used again in the third. I would tweak a bit to remove that repetition, but otherwise I am interested and would like to read more.
ReplyDeleteNice opening that sets up a desire to know more about this woman and her life situation. A couple things to do with word choice - It would be more usual to say "cruising altitude" rather than 'coasting altitude' just as it would be more usual to say "underneath the seat" in front of her rather than 'underneath the chair'.
ReplyDeleteOh, I so want to know what’s wrong with her! That’s a good thing because it really makes me want to read more. In the second paragraph I would really like to understand what she's feeling while she’s crying. And maybe in the last paragraph we can see her wipe her eyes with a tissue or toilet paper after she says I'm fine, before she leaves the restroom. I bet she doesn't want to be seen like that. But like I said, I would most definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteYou certainly have me intrigued about what's haunting Mona. Poor thing! I would read further. I will admit to being confused when she raised the bottle. I, too, thought she was giving it to the stuffed dog!
ReplyDeleteThis is fantastic. I loved the description of her squaring her shoulders and taking the deep breath. As a person who's afraid to fly but faces it when I have to, it felt very real. Of course your MC has deeper things going on, but I just wanted you to know that the whole airport/sneaking wine/pushing yourself forward worked really well.
ReplyDeleteYes, sorry, I thought she was feeding the wine to the dog, and even re-read to see if the dog was stuffed or real. It's obvious now, after reading on, but I'd make that gesture of raising the bottle a little clearer if you can.
Very much hooked.
I thought she was giving the wine to the stuffed dog ( what a waste!).
ReplyDeleteI would read on because I'm pretty much dying to know why she's day-drinking and crying. Good job!
I would read on. I got the smuggler or drug runner vibe about the dog. Just a hunch, but it's great to keep us guessing.
ReplyDeleteI guess I come from a different reality where I have seen the effects of alcohol abuse up close. So, I was a little reluctant to feel sympathy for a drunk. Of course, had this been a man then I am not sure it would have elicited responses like "oh poor guy" like it does when it is a woman. I would also pay attention to language as was mentioned above like coasting altitude and - the floor between the aisles......seats are betwen the aisles...the floor is between the rows of seats. I'm surprised no one has mentioned these things as I thought this exercise was meant to improve our writing.
ReplyDeleteLoved this. Such emotion. I'd cut the dog description on the liquor bottle and just call it whatever it was, but otherwise it really pulled me in.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this one. It's not my genre, so I don't have any comments, but I wanted to say I liked it. :)
ReplyDelete"Here's to--whatever" is sheer brilliance. Makes things so clear.
ReplyDeleteI really like this opening. Lots of tension, lots of questions, and I already care about her. In terms of execution, I would like to see the sentences a little shorter; there's a little bit of a "list" feel to this; she does this, then this, then goes here, then does this. I'd like to see them broken into some smaller sentences of varying structures.