TITLE: PLAY FOR PANIC
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
Sami feels a connection to Jason through their mutual artistic interests. Here, he walks her home from a party and shares that a gallery has requested his paintings.
“Couldn’t happen to a better guy,” I said, which gave me away. If the cold hadn’t already reddened my cheeks, Jason would see how sorely I blushed after I said that. But he laughed a cone of steam, and then pointed to the Big Dipper.
“I don’t see it,” I said, even though I kind of did.
“Sure you do, there,” he said. And just as I’d hoped, he put his arm around me and pointed, his cheek next to mine so our line of vision was the same. “See?” he said. He smelled like beer. But I didn’t mind.
I turned to him, just slightly, just enough. “I do now,” I said, hoping I didn’t smell like beer too.
He looked into my eyes and my legs turned to butter. It was like the Big Dipper had scooped us into space with all those shining stars glowing around us – with nothing and no one else around.
And then he did it. Those chapped lips touched my own before I could properly pucker. I stayed stock still in case he had second thoughts. But no. He held his sweet lips to mine as I stopped my breath, the earth stopping beneath my feet. It must’ve only been a few seconds, but it felt like an hour. Yet, when he drew away, it ended too quickly – and I missed the scratchy feel of his rough lips.
“Hope that was okay,” he said with a shy smile.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This scene felt very real to me. The slight awkwardness along with their attraction made it come to life.
ReplyDeleteGreat balance between dialogue and sensation via narrative. I was rooting for both characters and delighted to see them kiss by the end of the scene.
Love this. Such an authentic voice and the flow of the scene is perfect. The line, "Yet, when he drew away..." reads a little awkwardly though. Maybe: "Yet, when he drew away, I missed the scratchy feel of his rough lips as if it had only been seconds." Not sure. Just feels a little jarring there. Otherwise quite brilliantly done.
ReplyDeleteYes! You have a refreshing, authentic voice. There's nothing canned or cliche here. You have terrific word choice and a very likable MC to whom I easily relate.
ReplyDeleteThis is really good! Great voice!
ReplyDeleteThis scene is adorable. The characters feel like real people. I like the descriptions and how they are mixed in with the dialogue. Not so sure about the legs turning to butter, but I loved the Big Dipper analogy.
ReplyDeleteOh, yes. This was very clear and very real.
ReplyDeleteI loved the line "It was like the Big Dipper had scooped us into space."
My only small suggestion would be get rid of some of the "I said" and "he said" dialogue tags. The action beats that you already have make it clear enough who is speaking.
I agree about the Big Dipper line--nice! Authentic voice. Interior and exterior dialogue both work. Touching scene! Minor suggestions: I'd go ahead and say "held" my breath, since you use the word "stopping" in the same sentence. I'd add the word "already" just before "I missed the acratchy feel..."
ReplyDeleteThis really captures that feeling of when you like a boy and all those butterflies you get without being cliche. I love the writing and the slight awkwardness.
ReplyDeleteMinor quibble - " If the cold hadn’t already reddened my cheeks, Jason would see how sorely I blushed after I said that" - I think you can cut "after I said that" part as it is implied. That was the only time in the whole excerpt I felt like I read a word that wasn't necessary.
Bravo!
Nice, nice, nice. :-) Nothing to add that hasn't already been said.
ReplyDeleteVery sweet! This line is beautiful: "It was like the Big Dipper had scooped us into space with all those shining stars glowing around us – with nothing and no one else around." Just a few small suggestions: "sorely" confused me a bit...not sure how a blush can be sore. Also, "properly pucker" was a bit too much alliteration for me. And you can cut "stock." And one last idea--instead of repeating "around" in the sentence above, maybe you could say "glowing everywhere." Thanks for posting!
ReplyDelete