TITLE: Truth Seekers
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Snick and her friends are junior members on one side of a civil war. A spy kidnaps her friends, missing her, and imprisons them in the dungeons of a place she's familiar... so she uses a secret passage to rescue them.
I stub my toe on the wall and yelp, just as Anne says something. They go quiet, then, “Snick?”
“Get-t away from the wall!”
I can't see, can't hear, but it takes just seconds to find the catch. To push open the door.
Their faces are in shadow from the flickering torches, but I lower my eyes as they stare. Beyond them, on the ground, are three things that vaguely look like sleeping forms; sheets, maybe.
“We have t-to hurry,” I say, turning again. “C-come on.”
I wait for them to go first, but Richy grabs my shoulders, spins me to face him, and kisses me.
His lips are rough against mine, chapped by the wind and rain, but soft, so soft, and as I gasp in through my nose I smell dirt and sunshine and his breath, the sides of our noses just touching, and shocks flow through me with every beat of his heart. His eyes are wide and full of something so warm it scares me as the tingle in my lips spreads through my body.
I never thought that green could burn so.
My knees weaken, and I lean against him, one of his hands leaving my shoulder and taking mine. He squeezes it as he breaks the kiss, stepping away, and looks down at me.
I just stare back at him, breathing hard, every inch of me singing. I should say something. I should do something. Wasn't I doing something? “Um.”
He gives a little smile and doesn't release my hand, though his cheeks flare red even in the torch's dim light. “Come on, Snick. Don't we have to hurry?”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I thought the writing here was good. I'm a little confused about the stuttering. Is your MC scared or does she stutter all the time?
ReplyDeleteThe only other thing that drew me out of the scene was that it seemed both of them had their eyes open during the kiss. His are wide and full of something warm and hers must be open if she sees this. Other than that, I thought this was good! :)
I thought this was cute. It was a bit confusing in parts, but I think just because I haven't read the rest of it! I really liked the end of the scene. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was pretty good! I was confused in parts, but the confusion was ll just because i haven't read the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the detail of his chapped lips. That really stood out to me as a great little detail.
Good job!
I like the scene. It took me a bit to figure out that Anne and Richy were the friends Snick was rescuing.
ReplyDeleteI was also a bit confused with the internal "can't hear" even though Snick heard someone call her name and she assumed they could hear her when she told the to get a way from the wall.
As for the kiss, I'm not sure chapped lips can feel soft. Other than that, I was right there with them.
Very well done! Love the descriptive elements here. Unique and not overbearing. It's hard to write a kiss that doesn't come out as a cliche, but I think you nailed it.
ReplyDeleteLove this line:
ReplyDeleteI never thought that green could burn so.
The only thing that didn't feel right to me was the context. Here they are hurrying to escape a dangerous place and in the middle of everything is this kiss. It seemed out of place, but perhaps that's what you're going for.
I this the kiss scene is good. There were a few things that I felt pulled me out of the scene. For example, this line: I can't see, can't hear, yet she clearly heard them say her name in the prior line. Also, the stuttering was jarring. Not sure if she stutters all the time, or if she was just scared. Also, you mention 3 things on the floor but never explain what they are. Although maybe that is explained further on?
ReplyDeleteMaybe I’m slow (and judging by the other comments, I am, so I apologize!!), but this totally confused me, perhaps because there’s not enough info in the blurb at the beginning. All the “theys” and the “thems” had my head spinning.
ReplyDeleteWe know we have the MC (who speaks in first person), Anne, and Snick in the first paragraph, or is Snick one of the friends they are looking for? Who is the “they” that goes quiet. And who says, “Get-t away from the wall!” (Not the MC, who said, “Snick?” Or was that the MC?) Whose faces are in shadow? Who is the “them” that she waits for to go first? (And where are they going?)
Then all of a sudden we have Richy kissing the MC with no previous mention of him and no action or emotion leading up to the kiss. And THEN, we find out Snick is the MC????
Okay, now that I’ve reread it several times, I see that Snick, the MC is alone. (Duh, that’s what the author said in the blurb.) And the voices in the 1st paragraph are of the captured friends, one of which is Anne. That’s what confused me from the get-go: having three people (or more) do something in the same paragraph—I, Anne, they, and whoever said, “Snick.”
So now that I’ve gotten that straight, I have another question. If this is a rescue, shouldn’t there be a little excitement, emotion on the part of the friends that are rescued? “...but I lower my eyes as they stare” seems to be the only thing that happens.
There were some good descriptions in the kiss paragraph but the first sentence is too long and run-on. And I, also, wonder about both their eyes being open. I do like “every inch of me singing” and “I never thought that green could burn so.”