TITLE: The New Eden Chronicles
GENRE: YA Dystopian Romantic Thriller
19-year-old outsider Mana takes 16-year-old citizen Eve to an archive of forbidden artwork. Dancing to A Sunday Kind of Love, they get carried away.
“This is how you dance to this one,” I say, taking her left hand in my right and placing my left hand on her waist. Her fingers twitch as she accepts my grip. We sway together, caught up in the song’s lushness. Eve looks happy and terrified at the same time. I wrap one of her sandy curls around my finger and register her scent—sandalwood and lemon.
She lets me pull her even closer until her head is on my chest, her curves pressing into me. The sensation makes me close my eyes.
Then the song ends and we separate a little, staring at each other in the silence. I’m not sure what’s happening. Her expression is so open, so trusting. I trail a fingertip down the side of her cheek, which is as soft as satin, then along her jawline to her lips, where I let it rest. A thousand tiny fires flare inside me. She wraps her hand around the back of my neck and pulls my mouth down to hers. Despite the odd way her lips contort for a second, another one of the tics she can’t quite hide, they are the sweetest thing I’ve ever tasted. Desire surges through me like a tide, rolling the length of my body in one long wave. This is not a role I have to force myself to play, as it is with Margaret. Every part of me wants this touch, is dying for it.
I back her up against the wall and am about to kiss her more deeply when I realize, with a jolt, that Tito is watching. The fact of his presence hits me like a bucket of cold water. What am I doing?
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like how this is so clearly described without being OVER described with tons of play-by-plays or cliches. This was well worded and well written. I like the embarrassment of remembering that they aren't alone and are being watched at the end. That's a good place to end without, for the couple and the reader. Nice job with this! I would want to keep reading!
ReplyDeleteThis was lovely. You've managed to balance the description with an intensity which is fab.
ReplyDeleteYou've got lots of senses covered which is perfect, but can you find something softer than satin as that one sounded a little cliched (-or not as soft as silk, but i guess that would be a little cliched too...)
I like that the tic is mentioned, without it becoming intrusive, and the jolt of the end has me wanting to know more.
WOW. LOVE the description of the kiss! The writing was GREAT.
ReplyDeleteI had a hard time imagining "lushness" related to a song. Also, "register her scent" seemed a little formal to me. BUt then, this isn't enough for me to know if that's how your MC speaks.
I would rephrase "The fact of his presence hits me..." Maybe lose the first part and say "His presence hits me..."
Also, in the last paragraph, I think the first line would be stronger if you lost the words "and am about to kiss her deeply". Trust me, after that powerful description before it, when he backs her up against the wall, we know why! :)
Great job!
I like this a lot! I really don't have anything to say. I was pulled out a little (just a teensy bit) by registered her scent, but i was pulled out because i liked it and it was an interesting turn of phrase.
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
This is written very smoothly, and I love that it is from a guy's perspective without being overly crass and sexual. Love that he acknowledge he doesn't have to fake what he's feeling, and that he's surprised and embarrassed by what he's done. I can really understand what he's feeling and thinking. Only nit-picky thing, if he has one hand on her waist and the other is holding her hand, how does he wrap one of her curls around his finger?
ReplyDeleteNicely done.
Overall, good job on balancing action and feelings. :)
ReplyDeleteThis line fell flat for me: The sensation makes me close my eyes.
I think you can build on this with more dynamic word choices--a stronger verb than make, and something more compelling than just closing eyes. Is the sensation so strong it forces his eyes shut, and if so, what is he seeing? Does he cease seeing and only feeling/emotion/touch overtake him? So much potential here! This is the spot to push it and make the reader feel what your character is feeling. (I know, easy right?) ;)
Thanks everyone who has commented so far---soooooo helpful! Now I'm off to comment on some of the other scenes!! Ready to be swept away...
ReplyDeleteThis is really good. I want to keep ready and I'm very curious as to who Tito is ad what other tics she has.
ReplyDeleteLove, love, LOVE this scene! I'm totally there with the MC. The only thing that pulled me out of the moment was the mention of Eve having a tic. Say wha...? I was so into the soft, beautiful, description and then everything just stopped. That one sentence gave ME a facial tic. There must be more back story to this, I realize that, but just thought I'd mention it as it's the only flaw I can find. I so want to read more :)
ReplyDeleteNice work.
ReplyDeleteIf this is from a nineteen-year-old's perspective I think 'lushness of song' and 'sandle wood' are a bit mature. They're beautiful descriptions but something I would attribute to someone 40 or over, most likely female.
I'd drop the "the fact of" in the last sentence (not needed) and just start with "his."
keep writing
Bill, you caught me--yes, that description is very much in the voice of a women over 40--so thanks for that insight. I have to remember to go back and catch language that is not really coming from my MC. Zolosolo, thanks for the comment. The tic is really critical there and I think makes a lot more sense in context. I guess I want it to be jarring as well. Thanks everyone!!
ReplyDeleteLove the interruption at the end! I would like to be shown her facial expressions rather than told how they look (happy, terrified, open, trusting).
ReplyDelete