TITLE: The Alliance
GENRE: YA Science Fantasy
Noise filled the giant factory as machines hummed, metal scraped and humans grunted under the weight of the work and the watchful eyes of the supervisors. The sounds blurred together into the usual orchestra of unpleasant music. The workers didn't seem to mind though. They knew there were worse sounds, like the buzz of an electric baton and the sound it made when it contacted the flesh of a worker who wasn’t working hard or fast enough. No such sound could be heard in today's symphony, though that could change at any moment.
An unusual and equally unwelcome noise was present today, however. The metallic click of military officers' shoes on the concrete floor of the factory. They walked amongst the workers, all slaves, all under the age of 18, debating between themselves of who to choose.
Jace Faulkner carried on as he would any other day, forcing himself to ignore the click of the metal heels and the terror that clenched his chest at the sound. He kept his face impassive, focusing only on the task at hand; loading the powerdrives from his conveyor belt into the bins stacked several yards away.
If he didn't move it quickly they would begin to stack up, which would set back the assembler who had placed it on the conveyor, the person who supplied the assembler with the parts, and so on. And then the buzz of the electric baton would surely be added to the factory symphony. And that might catch the attention of the officers.
Miss Snark's First Victim
There's something very distant about your first paragraph. It's like you zoomed out to show us the scene, and waited until the 3rd paragraph to really start the story with your MC. Is there a way to show us this factory from Jace's perspective so that we don't feel so disconnected from the first few paragraphs? I think it would make the presence of these military officers more imposing. Also, the sentence "They walked amongst the workers, all slaves, all under the age of 18, debating between themselves of who to choose." was confusing. Are they officers choosing someone? The way it's phrased, it could mean the slave workers, too.
ReplyDeleteIf you could get us a little more into the MCs head I think the reader would feel more connected. This seemed like a lot of telling, rather than showing.
ReplyDeleteThis has an interesting setup, and I like that you set us up with the tension of Jace trying to do his work and not be noticed, along with the mystery of what the officers are choosing slaves FOR....very interesting.
ReplyDeleteThe broad view of the factory, though, made it difficult for me to get into the story at first. I think it might serve you better to start with Jace and try to set the scene from what he experiences of it.
I know this is all subjective, but I think you write really well. You've set the scene, I can picture myself in the factory, now connect me to your character. It's only 250 words, but I want a glimpse into Jace's thoughts.
ReplyDeleteInstead of saying, "Jace Faulkner carried on as he would any other day, forcing himself to ignore the click of the metal heels and the terror that clenched his chest at the sound." Maybe do something like:
Jace's heart beat harder in his chest. Don't look at the soldiers. Keep going. Whatever you do, don't slow down. His muscles tensed, anticipating the beating that would come if he stumbled or made a mistake.
You're almost there! Good luck!
The distant POV doesn't draw me in. My personal preference would be to focus more on the MC right from the beginning. I like Melissa's suggestions for pulling this in to a tighter POV.
ReplyDeleteYou've dropped us into an interesting situation, but as others have said, it's distant. It's written in a passive voice and comes from a narrator's POV. Put Jace in that first paragraph. Let hear the machines and make all the observations, and then add his thoughts on those things.
ReplyDeleteANd then there's the show vs. tell thing. Showing will make what you have here stronger. It's generally just a matter of rearranging. For example --
Machines hummed, metal scraped and Jace grunted under the weight of the work and the watchful eyes of the factory supervisors. The noise blurred together into a symphony of unpleasant music that grated on his nerves. (Or however it affects JAce.) But there was a worse sounds--the buzz of an electric baton zapping a slow-moving worker. He didn't hear it in today's symphony, but that could change at any moment.
I would take a close look to see if you can simplify your writing. I am always drawn to writers like Coetzee and Stegner who have the ability to convey very powerful emotions with very few words. For example 'the usual orchestra of unpleasant music' and 'an unusual and equally unwelcome noise' could be more elegantly phrased. Look for that perfect word that describes a sound. That will get the attention of an agent or editor who reads you work. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of interesting background here, but believe it or not, you say all of that in the 2 paragraphs at the end, AND those paragraphs introduce the main character who we can immediately have sympathy for. So I would definitely start there. Character, action, setting, conflict - it's all there in the last 2 paragraphs. The rest is simply background. Some of the phrases I would keep though, like "The sounds blurred together into the usual orchestra of unpleasant music", etc. I would move them into the last two paragraphs where appropriate, as further descriptions of the setting. Good luck with this!
ReplyDelete