TITLE: Edge of Life
GENRE: YA Romance with Magical Realism
After recovering from a coma Pippa Knightly finds a boy from her dreams becoming reality and questions her own sanity. Particularly when she discovers he was murdered.
Pippa investigates finding Joshua has returned from Magna, a plain for those who have suffered untimely death to hunt for his killer. Pippa helps him and they fall in love, but this comes at a price, one Pippa has to decide if she is prepared to pay.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I don't think you need the second paragraph. The first one is intriguing; the second one just makes it more complicated and lengthy. I might advise you end the last sentence of the first paragraph with something like, "murdered two months ago" so it's clear he was murdered *before* she met him.
ReplyDeleteI don't think this is really a log line - you could have the first sentence on its own, and leave it at that. If you look at these examples from last year's logline contests, it suggests 1-2 sentences.
ReplyDeleteI'd also suggest reading your second paragraph out loud - do you see how many times you use Pippa's name? That gets repetitive, and isn't really necessary.
I agree with the commenters above. It's MUCH stronger with just the first sentence. Packs a HUGE punch and I love the concept!
ReplyDeleteI'm not getting what's at stake here though. We get introduced to the main character and what I'm assuming is the inciting incident, but we could use a little clarity. What is required of your main character, and what will happen if she doesn't pull it off?
I especially agree with the advice to read your entry out loud (wish I'd done that with mine! lol). You have a tendency to leave out needed commas, I think. =)
I agree with the commenters above that this would be stronger if you cut the second paragraph.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there are a number of grammatical errors in these two paragraphs. Just in the first sentence, you need a comma after "coma," and "reality" should be "real." (A person can be real or imaginary, but not reality.) There are more errors in the second paragraph, but I won't list them all. In something this short, there should be none.
MC=Pippa
ReplyDeleteII=Dream boy becomes real
Conf=She questions her sanity
Goal=Help boy find killer
Consequences=Falls in love with dead boy
Stick to this info for the logline. It's interesting enough to draw reader in.
I like how you immediately incite her conflict, however I think you could make these first 2 lines into one and re-word them into something a bit more shocking (ie, Pippa gets the shock of her life when she wakes up from a coma and finds a boy who was murdered in her dreams standing in her room...) Something that shows us how this really hits her.
ReplyDeleteAfter that, give us Pippa's goal. Dreams are no reliable so it doesn't make sense that she would think she was insane for seeing she dreamt something that was untrue. I've been known to dream about talking animals. :-)
What does Pippa want in this story? It sounds like it is to help Joshua so they can be together. If so, your introduction needs a word or two to show us that she is lonely so we understand WHY she needs to meet this goal. Finally, we need some kind of antagonist here. Is someone going to stop her from being with him?
Good luck!
Holly
Had to read several times to figure out what you were trying to tell us. Didn't seem like a logline (which is meant to entice us to want to read and find out what happens) as much as felt like a very abbreviated synopsis.
ReplyDeleteI'd edit for clarity, tightness, and raising the stakes (what does Pippa want/need? What stands in her way?
I agree with the others, the first paragraph packs more so if you could work that one. I like Holly's suggestion it kinda packs all that info nicely into one shocking statement.
ReplyDeleteThe other commenters have already given good advice on shortening and tightening this for more punch. I'd also add that the language itself is a bit flat. It would help if you could find stronger verbs or descriptions that connect to the emotion of the story, as Holly suggested. Is Pippa scared? Confused? Determined? Let us feel what she feels.
ReplyDelete