TITLE: Just Fred
GENRE: MG mystery
Fred tries to imitate his father and brothers (all named Bob), but realizes no one is who they seem to be--and if he doesn't figure out what's going on and why, his entire family will perish at the hands of a mysterious enemy.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Intriguing idea, though I did want the logline to be a bit more specific to get a better sense of the what the story is about. Some of the vagueness came from phrases like "no on is who they seem to be", "what's going on and why," and the "mysterious enemy." I wanted a better sense of what these things are.
ReplyDeleteYour story sounds interesting. I'm having a hard time connecting his father and brothers all have the same name to saving his family from a mysterious enemy. I think you're trying to be too brief here. By ony hinting at the mysteries of your story, you're confusing rather than intriguing.
ReplyDeleteLove the title. This sounds like it could really have something. What about some grounding -like where is this playing out? What are the relationships like? Is this going to be fun or scary and dark? And definitely some tiny inkling as to what the mystery is.You've got a 100 words - use them! And good luck!
ReplyDeleteI think this sounds like a great premise, but I'd also like a little more detail. Maybe "tries to imitate his father's and brothers' xxx." What is it that he admires in them? Also, there seems to be a disconnect between that and him realizing "no one is who they seem to be." One last thing, maybe give us a bigger hint about the "mysterious enemy." Hope this isn't overwhelming--I really do love the idea!!
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your wonderful comments. I'm going to retry and repost. I was afraid of having too much going on and erred in the other direction!
ReplyDeleteThis is much longer. Do you think it's better? Please feel free to comment!
ReplyDeleteWhen his brothers nearly fry him in a homemade electric chair, Fred’s forced to realize he’s the odd man out in a family where the males are all named Bob; But his father’s not who seems to be and if Fred can’t figure out who his dad is and why an enemy seeks revenge, his entire family will perish.
My first reaction is that this sounds funny. I'm afraid, though, that it will be hard to sell a book on the basis of one specific detail: most of the characters have the same name. The writing will have to be brilliant to carry that off, and I doubt that an agent or editor will give you the chance to prove you can do it without a more informative pitch. You give us some stakes. Give us an inciting incident. I trust that will be funny, too!
ReplyDeleteJust saw your second version. Yes, this inciting incident is really funny! However, I think you need a cause and effect relationship between your inciting incident and the challenge your character must overcome. I don't see the connection--but I do see the humor!
ReplyDeleteI think this has potential, but the logline needs to be more specific. The line about "figuring out what's going on and why" would pull me in more if I could relate to the problem or at least knew what it was.
ReplyDeleteKeep at it! Good luck!
(I only looked at the re-post)
ReplyDeleteWhy do they have a homemade electric chair and why is this the first thing that makes him realize he's the odd man out? I assume he knew he was the only Fred before this. Try to re-word this to setup Fred's character from the beginning (assuming it matters to the plot, that is). After that, you need to give us a more specific goal than "figure out who he dad is". And what does "an enemy seeks revenge" mean? Stopping this seems to be his real goal so you need to be very specific. Does he want to identify the enemy and report him to the police? Kill him? Put him in the chair?
Good luck!
Holly
Who said writing was easy?? This is much harder than it seems. But here's another try based on the feedback. Unfortunately I can't answer all the questions in a short logline, but maybe this is closer?:
ReplyDeleteFred’s the only male in his family not named Bob and he feels especially rejected after his brothers nearly fry him in a homemade electric chair. As he tries to figure out who he wants to be, he learns his father’s not who he seems—his dad’s actually a burned NSA agent with an adopted identity and a determined enemy—and if Fred can’t put the pieces together, his entire family will perish.
I think the homemade electric chair is off-putting. It is funny, (I assume they didn't actually want to kill their brother) but how sinister their intent is unclear.
ReplyDeleteBy the time the stakes get higher, now they all may really die, I'm confused by the tone.
The funny thing is, people have the same problem with my logline! I have dark material, but there's a lot of comedy infused. We can struggle through together!
Sasha--Thanks so much for your comments! It's black humor, right? :-) Do you have a logline up?
ReplyDeleteThe part about everyone being named Bob made me giggle (and not just because I have lots of Bobs in my own family!), and from the start I assumed this book is funny. (Though I must confess I often find things dreadfully funny when they don't seem to amuse other people that much!)
ReplyDeleteThe problem here is that the ending is far too vague--even in your revised version with the detail about the dad being an NSA agent. Without any sense of how or why his family will perish, it just falls flat.
I admire anyone writing humor--I know it's often harder than it would seem, and I would love to be better at it myself, But I do know that not only do you need to be specific about the goal and the obstacles for the purposes of a logline or query, but you could also say that specific details can be an important part of what makes something funny. And I think you'll want to make it very clear that this is black humor so it doesn't put anyone off for the wrong reasons.
I'm confused. Is everyone in the family someone else? If they're not his real family, why is he trying to save them? "Mysterious enemy" is too vague. We need a little more information to keep us on the edge of our seats so we won't skip this pitch and go to the next book.
ReplyDeleteI feel like you're giving detail in the wrong place. The inciting incident is nice to know, but not if it squeezes out conflict and stakes and consequences. I like that you added that his dad is actually a burned NSA agent, but now I want to know who the "determined enemy" is (former colleague, current agent, former target?) and how his family will perish (killed by the stranger, I assume, but I'm not sure). And why is he the one who has to save them when his dad seems much better equipped?
ReplyDeleteThe second version is better but not quite there yet. While the electric chair part is funny, it doesn't have any relationship to the main conflict here (it may be there in the story, but it's not shown in the log line.)
ReplyDeleteThere's also the question of why his brother's wanted to electrocute him. Are they real brothers, or have the real brothers been supplanted with doubles?
You might name the determined enemy, say what he intends to do or hopes to accomplish, and what will happen to Fred if he doesn't defeat him.
You do seem to have a dilemma here. It seems you don't need the electric chair in the logline, but without it, the humor doesn't across. Maybe find a way to show some humor in that last bit.