TITLE: Operation Witches
GENRE: MG, Contemporary
Eternally optimistic Beth hides a fake witch’s diary in the woods for her best friend to find, sure their changing relationship will heal as they pretend to become witches together. Instead, she must discover the meaning of true friendship and magic when a desperate girl with a dark secret finds the diary and insists that she and Beth become witches together first.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the title and the concept but the logline is not working for me.
ReplyDeleteHow about (just a suggestion)
Beth hides a fake witch’s diary in the woods for her best friend to find, but a desperate girl with a dark secret finds the diary first and insists that she and Beth become witches together.
For me, this works perfectly, but that just goes to show how subjective it is! I do think the first line could be tightened, and the "she must discover the meaning of true friendship and magic" is too vague, but that last part was a great sinker line. I want to read this!
ReplyDeleteI wonder, though: is this dark MG? It reads a little that way (which I love), but the title reads too generic and lighthearted for the story. Just food for thought!
I like the premise a lot. I think you need a comma after "Eternally optimistic" and the second sentence is a bit convoluted.
ReplyDeleteI like this premise butI agree with Ambiguous - the title sounds light-hearted. I think that's why I had to read over 'sure' three times. I was expecting something funny like 'sure, they'll be eating toads but best friends...."
ReplyDeleteAnd talking of that same sentence, I'm thinking it might be overly complicated. Maybe put a period after 'find' and then something simple like 'She's afraid she's losing her but becoming pretend witches might be.....'
I think Southpaw nailed it; you can still tweak that suggestion with more detail, perhaps including something like "--with real magic" at the end (if that is the case). Then it shows some of the stakes since we assume Beth will be over her head.
ReplyDeleteThe phrase about must discover meaning of true friendship and magic doesn't show us enough, so I would definitely take that out of whatever the final version is.
You got me with the first line. I love your MC, and I'm yearning for her to save that friendship. I think the second line adds too much detail. It's problematic to begin with "When a girl with a dark secret finds," because you lose your focus on Beth. Still, I think that's the inciting incident. Also, I'm not sure about the stakes. If the desperate girl only insists that she and Beth become witches together FIRST, and then Beth can become a witch with her best friend second--well, that's an easy compromise. And there a probably a million reasons that won't work. It's just that I don't know why not.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like it will be an MG winner! Good luck with it.
"she must discover the meaning of true friendship" is vague and not a tangible goal. What does she actually need to do? Get the diary back? And who is going to stop her and how?
ReplyDeleteFinally, why is she trying to "pretend" to be become a witch with her friend while the desperate girl wants her to actually become one? I can't tell if these are meant to mean the same thing.
Good luck!
Holly
I'm the author of this log line and as I read your helpful comments, I wonder if I didn't get to the heart of the conflict with this log line. So here's another attempt. If anyone reads it and wishes to comment, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteEternally optimistic Beth hides a fake witch’s diary in the woods for her best friend to find, but her plan to heal their relationship is foiled when a desperate girl with a dark secret, finds the diary first. As Beth plunges into a fun, but potentially dangerous world, of midnight initiations, pretend spells and slimy potions, she must learn to trust her new confidence and her former best friend or risk losing the most magical friendship she has ever known.
Love the story. But I think you need a stronger logline. for instance, I get stuck when I read "eternally optimistic." Because I keep asking myself, what is she optimistic about and why is she hiding a fake witch's diary? So she's optimistic her friend will find it? Why? And how does it heal the relationship? And I think you could lose the word "desperate". "Dark secret," seems ominous enough. And for the sake of tightening up, consider losing, "pretend spells and slimy potions." "Midnight initiations," leave much room to reader's imagination.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
A girl wanting to be a witch is intriguing, as is a "desperate girl with a dark secret." "Eternally optimistic" is telling and unnecessary. We find this out from Bet's actions. What does Beth have at stake here to make us want to read it?
ReplyDeletePerhaps Beth doesn't 'plunge' in. Perhaps the mysterious girl 'lures' her in. Then include whatever happens to make her want to get out of this relationship, what she does to try get out, and what the mysterious girl does to stop her.
ReplyDeleteThe new version is an improvement but I got tangled up near the end.
ReplyDelete"She must learn to trust her new confidence and her former best friend or risk losing the most magical friendship she has ever known."
It's an attempt to lay out the stakes, which is good, but I'm still confused. What is putting the new relationship at risk? Which relationship is the "magical friendship"? The new girl who finds the fake diary? I thought she was desperate and had a dark secret? What does the former best friend have to do with it? These feel like the kinds of things that are clear to you because you know your story so well, but not as clear to people who haven't read it. (I have that problem all the time writing loglines and queries.)
I think the new re-write is very good. Much clearer and gives a tiny view into the fun of the story...slimy potions etc. I easily understand that the magical friendship refers to her good friend and it is a heart-warming finale.The only word that might trip up is 'confidence' because there has been no mention prior of needing to boost it. Well gone.
ReplyDelete