TITLE: In the Midst of Monsters
GENRE: YA Epic Fantasy
A young pirate captain and an orphaned, failure-of-a-nun battle across isles haunted with strange and beautiful monsters to bring vengeance upon the Basilisk, the legendary king of the sea who has taken one too many lives.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like this and I think it's pretty close. However, as many people have told me before, perhaps you should think about breaking up the single sentence into at least two sentences and think about giving a little bit more detail.
ReplyDeleteWhen you mention the one too many lives is that because the last life the Basilisk took was somehow related to the pirate captain or orphan?
Also, I'm not sure that the failure-of-a-nun is that important in the logline unless it is super central to this character and who she is throughout the whole story.
Good luck!
I agree with Marisa about breaking this into two sentences. Also, I would like to see the main charaters named here. Failure of a nun is just a little clunky for me. Whose life did the basilisk take, someone important to one of the MCs?
ReplyDeleteI find this confusing because I don't see the young pirate captain as working with the orphaned, failure of a nun. I thought they were battling each other... until they clearly weren't.
ReplyDeleteWhy are they working together and what has the Basilisk done to drive them to battle him?
It sounds like an exciting story but I'd prefer to have names and their motivation/desires made clearer.
I'm intrigued. I like the failure-as-a-nun, but I hope it's important to the story if you want to leave it. Also, what have the characters lost that makes them want to do battle? Good luck!
ReplyDeleteTo echo a little of what people have been saying, my first thought is to make the goal more personal to the MCs. Just because the villain has taken a lot of lives doesn't make me really want to see him be taken down. I want to see how those taken lives have personally impacted the MCs in order to understand why they want to defeat him so badly.
ReplyDeleteAlso, what will happen if they don't take down the Basilisk (the stakes)? Will more people die, maybe people close to the MC, too, or will perhaps even more devastating and personal things happen? I think it's these closer personal ties to the protags that you should really look at here for a stronger logline. Best of luck!
I would like to see more specificity as to who and what the lives the basilisk is taking. "One too many lives" is very loose and ambiguous. Was the life he took precious to the pirate or the nun? Was it someone they loved?
ReplyDeleteThe "one too many lives" is very ambiguous. It feels really loose and open ended. Who was it specifically? Was the life someone near and dear to the nun or the pirate?
ReplyDeleteThis was in an earlier round. It is still missing the motivation and personal stakes.
ReplyDeleteHolly
After earlier rounds, I think this is closer, but missing why it matters.
ReplyDeleteSo, this unlikely pair joins forces to kill the basilisk. Why? What happened to them to make them want to do this? What happens if they fail?
If it's been an age old battle of humanity against the basilisk, why do these 2 take the steps to try again?
A pirate captain and a failure-of-a-nun join forces to track and kill the Basilisk that [ruined their lives/killed their families/has a sweet treasure chest at the end/is petrifying the students/whatever makes this battle personal to them]. Their journey across the haunted isle to the monster might kill them first.
Whatever makes the MCs care needs to be in there.