TITLE: Royal Trial
GENRE: YA historical fantasy
Within two days of returning from a five-year banishment, 19-year-old Lena has committed treason, created a national crisis, and rejected the king’s marriage proposal. (and/or) Obsession reigns in ROYAL TRIAL, combining madness, manipulation, and dangerous romance with an Italian Renaissance + Rococo France + Tudor England aesthetic.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'd cut that second sentence. The first sentence is good, but I'd still like to know what's motivating her to do these things and what the stakes are - all these things in the 2 days sound like set up, and I want to know what's actually going to happen in the story, what she is doing and why.
ReplyDeleteThe first one works better, but it needs more. She's in a bad spot. What does she have to do to fix it, and what happens if she doesn't?
ReplyDeleteThat's a lot of visuals in such a short space. I like it. Sounds like a romp of fun. Agree with above--Why? always good to ask oneself. This sounds like fun.
ReplyDeleteI agree that you should keep the first sentence and then add some more detail (like the stakes or reasons why this is happening) for context in the next sentence. Good start!
ReplyDeleteI agree that you should cut the second sentence and fill in the details in the first.
ReplyDeleteWhy was Lena banished and by whom? You tell us Lena committed treason, created a national crisis and rejected the king's marriage proposal but you don't give us the consequenses. What does Lena have to do to fix the mess, how does she plan to do it, and what will happen if she fails?
Definitely the first one, but I have to admit, this logline feels like it has a lot of shock value, but not enough substance. All I get is that the MC has caused a lot of trouble, but I still don't know who she or the antagonist is.
ReplyDeleteThis is not a logline. You need to tell us what she wants and why she wants it and then tell us who will stop her from getting it and what she has to lose if they succeed.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly