TITLE: The Binder's Web
GENRE: YA Fantasy
When raiders threaten her people with ghost magic, Princess Caryn turns to the sea serpents off her coast and a prince whose kingdom may already be lost. But Caryn's plans never turn out the way she thinks they will.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is intriguing but I'm not sure what the stakes are. Ghost magic is too vague. Also, what does "kingdom may already be lost" mean? You can clarify with only a few words.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence is pretty good, but "turns to" doesn't tell me enough about what Caryn does. Does does she enlist the help of the serpents and prince? To do what?
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence is very vague. To begin with, I'm not sure what her plan is. Saying it doesn't turn out the way she expected tells me nothing. Be specific about what she intends to do and how it goes wrong.
Right now, this could be the logline for any one of a hundred different stories. Most stories revolve around someone whose plans aren't working out -- if they did, there wouldn't be a story.
ReplyDeleteI think you can lose the last line (very vague) to give us more details about the threat and what she has to do to overcome.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence feels a bit awkward to me. Maybe take out the serpents unless you're going to tell me how she plans to use them?
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence tells me nothing. How does Caryn plan to defeat the raiders? What's the plan and how does it go wrong? What are the stakes? What is ghost magic? What will happen if Caryn can't defeat the raiders? I need more info.
I must agree that it's too vague. I'd suggest removing the last sentence and telling us something that Caryn does. Using sea serpents is an interesting idea--I'd like to see what she has them do for her.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree, this needs some stand-outs to set it apart. I think the format is a good start. I would suggest adding her name in place of "her" in the first line so we get who she is right away. Since we don't know what ghost magic is, can you describe it, or maybe say "an ancient forbidden magic," something that gives an idea of what this is. I like the idea of the sea serpents. Instead of the "off her coast" which doesn't add anything, can you say more about them; do they do human's bidding under the spell of magic, or are they enslaved by people, or do they willingly help because...? For the prince, does he risk anything, what threatens his kingdom?
ReplyDeleteThe last line does not give us any real info to work with, so I would use the wordcount on specifics. What happens if Caryn's plans fail?
I like the title--I'm jealous of all these good titles. Good luck adding some more detail to this, I'm sure it's in there.
The beginning is intriguing! I'm afraid as a pitch, though, the second sentence may be too vague. An idea of her grand plan and the consequences if it fails could be a solution.
ReplyDeleteI think this is very good, but could stand to be more specific. What do you mean by 'turns to'? Does she request their aid in driving off the raiders? Do the raiders belong to the prince's people?
ReplyDeleteI agree that it needs the specifics. The last line is so vague it could mean a good ending (there an infinite number of ways people think about plans, and an equal infinity of ways they could turn out differently). Despite how vague 'ghost magic' is, you told us it's a threat. There's the incident. What's her plan, and what happens if she's wrong?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
This starts off well, but then you incite a situation instead of a goal. What does the threat make her want to do?
ReplyDeleteThe last line is vague and is not doing anything to tell us what the stakes or conflict is here.