TITLE: All That Remains
GENRE: YA fantasy
Murder is commonplace for seventeen-year-old assassin Lea Saldana, except when it’s her entire family, slaughtered in a single night of betrayal. When she discovers her boyfriend’s family are the traitors, there’s only one thing to do: kill them all. But can she discover their hidden sanctuary before they find, and finish, her?
Miss Snark's First Victim
You really had me until the question at the end. I think you need to reword the last sentence so it's a statement and packs as much punch as the kill them all line.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with this.
Leave out questions in your pitch/query, agents don't like them. Otherwise, it's an intriguing pitch.
ReplyDeleteGreat premise for a classic revenge story. A couple of questions:
ReplyDelete1) If they're out looking for her, then how is it she expects to find them in their hidden sanctuary?
2) Does "kill them all" mean the boyfriend too? And how close are they (boyfriend can be somewhat vague; is he the "love of her life," etc)?
Great concept. You had me at teenage assassin.
ReplyDeleteBut i think there is some redundancy. I Don't think you need to tell us murder is common place for an assassin.
How about something like this:
Seventeen-year-old assassin Lea Saldana's entire family is slaughtered in a single night of betrayal.
I agree that the beginning of this is good but it falls apart with the question. Why is killing her boyfriend's family a problem for her if it's what she does every day and now she has an even better reason to do it? This can't just be a matter of who kills who first. Is there an inner reason why she can't do this easily? Does she love this boyfriend? Does she think his family was somewhat justified in their actions? Does she wish she could leave the assassin lifestyle?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I agree that you should kick the question out. I tried my hand at a logline, but as always, feel free to completely ignore it.
ReplyDeleteAs always, I sound a bit like a used car salesman...
Lea Saldana wanted to be a one of the pretty girls in corsets and feathered masks, but when you’re born into a family of assassins there’s only one option: the family trade. When rivals murder her entire family in one night, Lea starts seeing the bonuses of carrying poison instead of perfume. Worse, she used to date one of the traitors, and now she has to bury the hatchet—preferably in his back-stabbing heart—before they can finish the job of extinguishing the Saldana line.
I like this a lot. The inciting incident is right there. The stakes seem clear – her or them. The only extra information I’d like to see is what stands between her and her goal besides finding their sanctuary? Is most of the book really about her trying to find the location or are there other things she needs to accomplish? Otherwise, great job.
ReplyDelete