TITLE: THE ADVIERA ABDUCTIONS
GENRE: Upper Middle Grade Science Fiction
When aliens abduct thirteen-year-old Gary and give him the power of telekinesis, they expect him to learn to control his superpower so his young alien trainer, Esther can also gain the ability. But after suspicious clues suggest a secret alien plot, Gary must figure out what the aliens really have planned for him or he’ll be leaving their service in a body bag.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This feels a touch muddled to me. Esther just seems to kind of appear out of nowhere, like she (he?) is dropped in as an afterthought. I don't know that including Esther does anything for the logline
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I love alien stories, so you've scored points with me there. :)
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot going on in your first sentence and I wonder if there's any way to break it up. Gary controlling his power doesn't automatically translate to the ability to give it to others for me, and makes me question why the aliens haven't given Esther the power directly. There doesn't seem to be anything to gain by getting Gary involved.
I imagine that this makes total sense in the book, but I think the logline could sell it a bit better.
I agree with Sarah Ahiers that Esther doesn't add much to the first sentence. Gary and his new power are the interesting piece. I think you could strengthen the second sentence by telling us how Gary uncovers the plot. Best of luck with this!
ReplyDeleteMost of my qualms are covered by the above comments, but I do add that if he's telekinetic, why doesn't he just read the aliens' minds to figure out what's going on? I realize there is more than likely an answer for this in the MS, but it's a distraction in the log line. I do like the body bag ending, though. Very punchy.
ReplyDeleteMaybe cut it down to:
After aliens abduct thirteen-year-old Gary, he's left with the power of telekinesis. But when suspicious clues suggest the aliens are aiming at an underhanded scheme, he must figure out what the aliens really have planned or he'll wind up in a body bag.
Mostly seconding some of the comments above. Esther doesn't seem to add anything to the premise here and I think the logline would be tighter with that detail dropped. And what is the plot? And does it have anything to do with their plans for Gary, or are those two spearate things?
ReplyDeleteI love this concept, but I definitely agree with Sarah's response. One thing that you might want to consider is that the way you've set this up, your MC is only concerned when he uncovers an alien plot. I would have thought that being kidnapped would be of greater immediate concern. Try not to set up your reader with incongruities like that.
ReplyDeleteMy one comment is that you use the word "alien(s)" four times in these two sentences, so that really jumped out at me as overly repetitive.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like a fun concept though.
Good luck!
I’m not clear on what the aliens are doing with Gary. It seems they give him an explanation that satisfies him temporarily (not the truth, obviously, but something), but what’s here doesn't make sense to me. What does him having and controlling a superpower have to do with Esther gaining the ability? (I assume Esther is a trainer who is an alien, not a trainer of aliens, right?) And why would Gary go along with it? Does he think it’s worth it to get this cool power? Do they explain their need in a way that makes them sympathetic to him?
ReplyDeleteNext, “suspicious clues suggest a secret alien plot” is awkward. “Gary discovers the aliens are lying about their plans,” or something like that flows more naturally. Why would not knowing lead to him dying? If he doesn't know their plans, how does he know he’s going to get killed? What is Gary’s concrete goal? Does he just need to discover the information, or is finding the information just one step in the goal of surviving?
You might feel like telling what the aliens are planning would be giving too much away, but a logline is no place to be coy. Don't be afraid to give key information if it sets up the protagonist's goal or the stakes or consequences.
My main issue with this is that the goal is unclear and seems to come too late. Is the point of this book for him to figure out what's going on or for him to get away from the aliens? If it's the former, what does he do once he figures out their plan? Is that the end or does he plan to do something to stop them? If it's the latter, you need to incite this goal and explain why it will be difficult.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I'm afraid I had a hard time with an alien being named 'Esther' . . . More importantly, as others have said, it doesn't look like you need to include her in the logline.
ReplyDeleteAnd just as Holly said, the goal isn't clear enough. Also, why not give us something specific in place of 'suspicious clues'?
This sounds like it could be a lot of fun, but you probably need to give us a better idea of what kind of dirty deed the aliens are planning, and how the hero's going to try to stop them--as I'm sure he succeeds in doing, since a midgrade adventure isn't likely to end any other way. ;)