TITLE: The Shark God's Keeper
GENRE: Mystery/Thriller
With unwanted help from her spirit ancestors, a Hawaiian detective sets out to solve the aquarium murder of a Honolulu socialite and finds herself stalked by a hired killer. To survive and solve the case, she must come to grips with the fact that she is the keeper of an ancient tradition.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like this and think, for the most part, it's got clear stakes and consequences. I would like to know what ancient tradition she's the keeper of.
ReplyDeleteI like it. Short, to the point and very clear.
ReplyDeleteI like almost all of this. I don't know that we need "aquarium" killer. And i wish there were more specifics of what keeper of an ancient tradition means. But otherwise it was smooth and nicely done
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comments.
ReplyDeleteI think that the key dilemma is vague. What IS the keeper of an ancient tradition? And what does it have to do with her survival?
This flows well and could be interesting. I'm not sure what genre it is. It feels like a straight detective novel with fantasy elements...do those exist?
ReplyDeleteAgree with the comment that you don't need the word aquarium. Also - the ancient tradition part is distracting. If that is a central part of the book - maybe make it central here? Otherwise, do you need it? The setting, character, tension are all clear. Good job!
ReplyDeleteAgree with the others, the word aquarium is not needed, though the rest of the first line is strong. I think the last line doesn't quite ay enough; "come to grips with the fact that" is wordy. Perhaps you could say in order to solve the case she must use [specifics of ancient tradition] and then what the risk is for using it. Specifics will show the uniqueness of your story while the vague stuff makes it blend in with everything else (not what you want!)
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much for the feedback. It's really making me think about how to word it better. The ancient tradition is central; Certain people—kahuna—had the power to transport objects with their minds and were more psychic than the general population. Also one chosen member of each family was assigned to be the keeper of the family's protective god—usually in the form of an animal, like a shark, if they were a fishing family. These beliefs went underground after contact with Captain Cook and those who followed. My protagonist is both, but she refuses to accept it until this case forces her to see the truth.
ReplyDeleteYou have GOT to find away to work in what the ancient tradition is. It is so intriguing and shows the fantasy aspect to this mystery thriller. Overall, the logline is concise and has a good hook.
ReplyDeleteI like the overall premise and setting. The only thing that isn't clear to me is how exactly the murder is in any way connected to her status as keeper of this ancient tradition (by which I mean, the logline implies they are connected but doesn't explicitly state how).
ReplyDeleteI don't understand how coming to grips with this ancient tradition is going to help her solve a murder case as well as get rid of a hired killer. I think you need to find a way to connect the two.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly