When Kira’s husband dies suddenly in a car accident she’s shaken to her core, but her broken heart is cracked wide open when she discovers he had several affairs. She overcomes her well of grief with surf lessons. The chilly Atlantic gets hot as she lusts after Jamie and longs for Ian. Cast adrift, salt, be it tears, sweat, or the sea guides Kira toward the truth of who she really is and the best way to love and be loved.
Late night. Don’t wait up for me. Kiss.
At the sight of the text, Kira quelled the temptation to chuck her phone at the vintage linen paint coating the wall of her brand new custom colonial. The only thing stopping her was the thought of having to touch it up.
She blew out the tapered candles, immersing herself in darkness. Before her fingers found the light switch, she took a deep breath, reminding herself that Jeremy’s new position at the firm kept him busy, but it wouldn’t always be like this. As she returned the unused dinnerware to the china cabinet, she decided to hang onto one of the wineglasses.
The guidebook to Paris on the kitchen island reminded her they were still technically in the honeymoon phase of their marriage, but they’d postponed their honeymoon until they’d cleared their busy schedules in the spring. The promise of the city of light strengthened her on nights like these. Along with the full wineglass, she slouched upstairs to her bedroom, alone.
A ringing sound in Kira’s dream jarred her to waking. She answered breathlessly. “I’m sorry to report your husband has been in an accident. He’s here at Mass General.” The rest of the call sounded fuzzy as if Kira had cotton stuffed in her ears. In a haze of disbelief and fear, she drove through the damp and sleeping streets of Boston to the emergency room as the dark night sky faded to gray.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm a huge fan of surfing, so the pitch here really appeals to me.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'd like to get to know Kira much better before she gets the call. Right now, there's a lot of exposition and description--the "vintage linen paint" of the "brand new custom colonial," the fact that they haven't been on their honeymoon yet and are newlyweds, that they're headed to Paris, that he's got a new gig at a firm of some sort or another... But I don't feel like I'm really connected to her yet because other than knowing she's frustrated and he's seemingly always at the office, I don't really know much about their life.
I think that's partly that there's so much description/exposition here and she's not really filtering any of it. Why Paris? Has she been before? Is there something she's just dying to show him? I can't imagine that in a house like the one you've described that she painted the walls herself, so does she really have the paint on hand to touch up the wall? And as someone who's painted every room in my current house at least twice, though I've never thrown anything at the walls ;-), if I wanted to, not wanting to touch up the paint wouldn't be the thought that stopped me. (I mention this because even with it being my own work, getting out a little paintbrush and a smidgen of paint wouldn't be a big deal if I was irked I'd been essentially stood up again.)
I think the writing on this is nice and tight, which is great! I do, however, feel a little ungrounded. I wasn't quite sure about the paris guidebook and what that meant. Like, are they planning a trip? But I couldn't quite understand how that related to her anger or the fact that they're in their honeymoon phase.
ReplyDeleteAlso, in the last paragraph, because the caller's dialogue is buried in the MC's action, it makes it seem like it's the MC that speaks. I'd break it out into it's own paragraph.
Good luck!
Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Too fast! I LOVED the first paragraph. Really set the scene nicely, we get to meet your MC and you're writing style is beautiful!
ReplyDeleteThen you hit 'fast-forward' and we're hurtled forward to "you're hubby's dead". Too fast!
There's more to the city of lights, no? how about their wedding? paint a picture of what it's like to be in love with her husband, how they met, why they got married, the little signs - maybe- that things weren't picture perfect, but still, what in life is? get us to INVEST in their relationship, in her love of being his wife, her courage at losing out on seeing him due to his career but help us see why it's important to her, him, them.... then have her go to bed alone only to be woken to finding out he's been in an accident... then we're crying tears with her because we know where she was - in love, a new bride - then hit us with reality.
sheesh!
Hi there! The writing on this is beautiful, and the descriptions seems just enough to set the scene for me. I agree with Lia, that it might be a tad bit fast to jump into her husband's accident, BUT I wouldn't freak out about it.
ReplyDeleteI'd simply suggest, give us a few more paragraphs to get to know her. Maybe some dialogue with a friend, or with herself even, or with her husband on the phone. Just a bit more in her head might help to connect us to her before the big phone call. I'm already feeling sorry for her - they're in their newlywed stage but she's wandering up to bed alone with a glass of wine. That's awful!
I feel like your writing is really tight, but contests sometimes urge us to bring the big moments forward so people reading the first 250 words can see them. I don't think you'd have any problem hooking us in to this woman's world - just a bit more intro to her before the call would do the trick I think :)
Good luck!!
Hi there! The writing on this is beautiful, and the descriptions seems just enough to set the scene for me. I agree with Lia, that it might be a tad bit fast to jump into her husband's accident, BUT I wouldn't freak out about it.
ReplyDeleteI'd simply suggest, give us a few more paragraphs to get to know her. Maybe some dialogue with a friend, or with herself even, or with her husband on the phone. Just a bit more in her head might help to connect us to her before the big phone call. I'm already feeling sorry for her - they're in their newlywed stage but she's wandering up to bed alone with a glass of wine. That's awful!
I feel like your writing is really tight, but contests sometimes urge us to bring the big moments forward so people reading the first 250 words can see them. I don't think you'd have any problem hooking us in to this woman's world - just a bit more intro to her before the call would do the trick I think :)
Good luck!!
To me, the logline changes tone a couple of times which jarred a bit. And "the vintage linen paint coating the wall of her brand new custom colonial" felt overdone and not authentic to what she would really be thinking at the time.
ReplyDeleteAlso, City of Light is normally capitalized, when referring to Paris, as it is a name.
I feel for her though!
Like others, I felt the first paragraph or two did a fine job of grounding me in the moment with Kira. Small details like the tapered candles she blows out are signals that this wasn't just a Wednesday night leftovers meal her DH is missing, but one she had hoped would have a certain romance and ambiance.
ReplyDeleteThis may be the first entry I've read where the inciting incident for the conflict really DOES occur in the first 250 words. Accelerating to the conflict can really be a plus, but in this case, I'd rather have seen things slowed down a pace or two. This novel's premise will rely on the reader sympathizing with Kira and wanting her pain to end and her sense of direction and empowerment to begin. But that takes a little more buildup, perhaps, than we've gotten here.
Love the technique; it's the pacing that might actually be ahead of itself, but that's a problem this writer can fix easily, I think.
Good luck!
You might show that first parg. Let us see her anger/frustration. Show her getting ready to throw the phone and stopping herself.
ReplyDeleteIn parg 2, don't tell us what she thought, let her actually think it. Make her thoughts direct thought in italics. Then show her putting the dishes away, keeping the wine glass.
Do the same with parg 3. SHow her picking up that paris brochure before she starts thinking about it, and then maybe have the phone ring. Going to bed and waking to the call is too abrupt.
You could also make the phone call more realistic. Nobody would start rattling off that your husband is dead unless they were certain they were talking to the right person, and they'd probably be a bit more sensitive in the telling.
So basically, try to show instead of tell.
The last line of the pitch lost me, something with the commas it read very oddly to me. But the overall premise I like, especially the idea of doing something physical to overcome grief.
ReplyDeleteThe first line is ALMOST there, it's just a little overdone. Try reading aloud for cadence. I think a few too many details are crammed in; maybe just custome colonial and nix the brand new. "quelled the temptation" could be switched up to "envisioned" so she is imagining chucking the phone. I really like the follow up line, which shows she holds in her anger and is a fixer-type and not impulsive. Good job!
I wholeheartedly agree the news of the husband comes too fast. Expanding on the guidebook might help, maybe have her call a friend to get some of this in dialogue. the husband part can fit in this scene, but first page really felt a bit too quick.
I wish you lots of luck in Bakers Dozen!
This is an appealing story and we hit the first plot point
ReplyDeletefast.
Like another reviewer, I think the phone call could be drawn out because this isn't how a hospital person would address someone who answers the phone in the middle of the night. But it would also increase the tension and drama to draw it out longer and drive home your MC's confusion and disbelief through dialogue.
Another point to consider: Are these details about the MC making her someone sympathetic enough? So far she seems more upset that she doesn't get to go to Paris or make use of her tapered candles than having an emotional or sexual longing for her husband. Perhaps weave in one more little detail that puts her in a slightly different light?
Nancy Bilyeau
www.nancybilyeau.com
Like others, I liked your writing and thought the set up of the first scene was well done. The jump to the Accident was a real kicker because that's not how that usually goes, and I was caught very off guard. At the very least, the person on the other side would identify themselves, but that's a tiny fix. (If it's not in person, which is pretty common in rural America).
ReplyDeleteI think what happened is that you compressed a lot into the last two paragraphs to get the inciting incident into the first 250. I recommend taking a breath and letting the introduction scene breathe into the space that it needs. Give us the shock of the phone, don't just tell us. I know it'll put it off screen for these 250 word contests, but I think you'll like the resulting opening much better.
I'm a bit on the fence on this one. I do like the opening note. I had trouble getting through with the sentence following though. And while the logline gives hints of an interesting story, right now I'm not seeing anything to make it stand out from other similar stories (i.e., the details are fairly general).
ReplyDelete"A ringing sound in Kira’s dream jarred her to waking." This confused me. Was everything prior to this a dream? Or have we skipped her falling asleep altogether and jumped straight to her waking up now?
I think overall I need more time with Kira before the phone call. Although I form some sense of her, a lot of it feels like I've been told about her relationship, but haven't encountered anything tangible. Thus when she gets the call, I don't yet find myself to the point where I identify with her (meaning her fear doesn't yet impact on me).
So I gues overall I might suggest retooling the logline and opening to really draw the reader into what is special and unique about this story and character.
Best of luck with it!
I love your premise. After reading the logline, I had a good sense of what the book would entail and the struggle Kira would face. You hooked me.
ReplyDeleteI like the opener, but I think you could strengthen it. I'd like to see Kira before the text comes in. Then use some shorter sentences to convey her anger. Your details such as "the vintage linen paint coating of the wall of her brand new custom colonial" (although wonderful) slowed me down and muddled what I think you were trying to achieve.
I do think you need to establish Kira's "normal" and what's at stake before you disrupt it. I want to sympathize with Kira. Show us her world and who she is and we will.
I agree with an earlier comment that this contest word count puts adult fiction writers at a disadvantage. It's harder for you to hook the reader when the pace is slower, etc. That's okay because we know from the logline that the husband will die.
Overall, I'd keep reading. Good luck to you!
From the opening, I found myself wondering if this was the best place to start the story. The opening reads really quick--the pacing a bit forced. I didn't feel like I was getting a true sense of the character. The final paragraph read especially rushed--and a bit inauthentic in terms of dialogue. I think that you could slow down and really delve into the character's opening emotions... draw out her loneliness/frustration. I think make more clear that she's prepared, I'm assuming, a nice dinner. What she'd hoped to talk/do with her husband on his return home. The details as they are now seem rather superficial and overly descriptive. We're not getting to know Kira to provide a contrast with who she is at the start of the book to how she'll develop.
ReplyDeleteOr, I think you may want to consider starting after the accident. Perhaps with the phone call itself. Then draw out that car ride, as she's in disbelief... the loss.
Otherwise, the jump between paragraph 4 and 5 seemed too abrupt.
Good luck!
30 pages
ReplyDelete