TITLE: Woe to the Tyro
GENRE: Urban Adventure
After his alcoholic mother dies, sheltered teenager Leroy Smiley is left reeling… by how little he feels.
His numbness comes to an abrupt end, however, when a blurry image of a forgotten family friend forms in his mind. Desperately seizing his unlikely chance at the one thing he's ever wanted - a normal life - Leroy ditches his new foster home to find the caring woman from his past. With little more than a few hazy memories, though, it'll take more than desperation to find her. He hops a train to Folsom City Prison to learn more from his father, and winds up on a journey that takes him further than he'd ever imagined, as he experiences the harsh indifference of the real world for the first time.
Leroy Smiley stood beside his mother’s casket, trying to feel something. Before him lay Adalynne Smiley. Adalynne Bradley, if she’d had her way. Of course, to have her way would’ve required time and effort, so she’d remained a Smiley until the end. Didn’t he know it.
Leroy peered down, more staring through her than at her. This was the woman who had birthed him, bathed him, and clothed him, the woman who’d provided for him, or had at least tried to play it off as such. The woman who had made him who he was. Perhaps that was the problem.
The chemical fumes adrift in the funeral home air invaded his mouth after conquering his nose. The place looked as sanitized as it smelled. Shades of white and grey smothered the walls and ceiling, the monochromatic monotony broken only by the cheap cherry-stained wood of Ada’s casket. It felt unnaturally smooth as Leroy grazed his fingers along it, looking down at his mother nestled inside the padded box. The mortician had bought her a dress suit with a billowy blue blouse. Ada always said brown was her color, but they couldn’t know that. Layers of makeup, unable to match her hazelnut skin tone, gave her face a muddy complexion. Still, he mused, she looked better groomed currently than at any point in her forty-eight years of life. At least the years he’d been around.
He knew he should feel something toward, about, for her. For himself.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Having already read and loved the book, I think your pitch does a good job of highlighting the stakes through Leroy's voice.
ReplyDeleteYou can get a feel for the tone of the book from the very first sentence, which is quite impressive. It's a solid first page. There's a lot of detail here that I love, as well.
Best of luck in the contest!
After his alcoholic mother dies, sheltered teenager Leroy Smiley is left reeling… by how little he feels.
ReplyDeleteHis numbness comes to an abrupt end, however, when a blurry image of a forgotten family friend forms in his mind. Desperately seizing his unlikely chance at the one thing he's ever wanted - a normal life - Leroy ditches his new foster home to find the caring woman from his past. With little more than a few hazy memories, though, it'll take more than desperation to find her. He hops a train to Folsom City Prison to learn more from his father, and winds up on a journey that takes him further than he'd ever imagined, as he experiences the harsh indifference of the real world for the first time.
The pitch sounds really intriguing. A few quibbles, tho. "Peered" feels strange to me here and I think it's because the rest of the sentence is so strong, but peered, to me, always feels really writerly outside of MG.
ReplyDelete"The chemical fumes adrift in the funeral home air invaded..." doesn't need the word "air" because we already got that with fumes and I think the repetition weakens a strong sentence. "Billowy blue blouse" feels like it's calling unnecessary attention to itself with the alliteration, but I love the bit about her saying brown was her color that follows it. "Layers of makeup, unable to match her hazelnut skin tone" seems strange to me, phrasing-wise, like the layers couldn't match the tone, but of course, matching or not matching doesn't have anything to do with the number of layers [in the case of makeup]. I think I'd phrase that differently.
Thanks Phil, and thanks gezzykac for the feedback! You're spot on.
ReplyDeleteFrom the beginning of the logline “after his alcoholic mother dies” to the end “experiences the harsh indifference of the real world for the first time” seems an odd disconnect for me—wouldn’t the child of an alcoholic already have felt some kind of harsh indifference? And as a teenager, wouldn’t he resent his mother for leaving him? Also, how is the child of an alcoholic and a convict “Sheltered”? These seem incongruous, but the storyline itself sounds so good that I would read on in spite of them.
ReplyDeleteMy picky points: “monochromatic monotony” seems overdone.
“Shades of white and grey smothered the walls”: I love this.
“Adalynne Smiley, Bradley and Ada” are all the same person—I’ve been steered away myself from inserting too many names for the same person, and they had a point.
Also, wouldn’t “Ada” really be “Mom”? Also, a son might not be musing at his mother’s casket. Another word might work better.
“Didn’t he know it” has a bit of a different voice than the rest, and I don’t really know if it furthers anything.
“play it off as such” seems strained and could probably be said more effectively in another way: “Or try to give the impression that she did”, or something said more in the voice of a teenager.
Last line, I’d rather hear him say he didn’t feel anything. And wonder if there was something wrong with him than the fact that “he knew he should feel something” because the rest of the entry is so immediate and real. This line breaks that immediacy and removes me from it somehow. And we know from the first line that he doesn’t feel what he believes he should feel.
I also agree with the commenters above re: “Match her hazelnut skin tone”. Removing that phrase from the sentence makes the sentence really work.
Really believable and vivid description of the funeral home smells and sights.
I love this piece and entering at a funeral is a very strong entrance to a novel. The logline makes me want to read the book. I’m intrigued by the woman he remembers and find it touching that he intends to seek her out. This opening portends a depth of feeling and an honesty and reality that is really refreshing. Also, great title.
Congratulations and good luck!
I think this takes too long to say the same things - she was an alcoholic and he feels nothing at her death. We don't know any more at the end than we did at the beginning of this, in fact it comes full circle back to the same point again.
ReplyDeleteYour descriptions are great, I can imagine the smell of the funeral home, etc.
This is gripping and emotional. The observational details of the casket and the smell of the place and the look of the dead mother's makeup and dress feel very real.
ReplyDeleteMy observation is in the first three graphs there is a last short sentence to drive the point home in a dry, somewhat bitter tone. That would be more effective if it weren't used that many times. Consider varying the structure.
Nancy Bilyeau
www.nancybilyeau.com
I thought the first two pargs worked well. You could cut the entire third parg except for the last two sentences. Does it really matter what the funeral home looks like? This is probably the only scene that we'll be there, and the emphasis should be on Leroy and his dead mother.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Very insightful points, all. I greatly appreciate the feedback, and best of luck to each of you, as well!
ReplyDeleteAs morbid as it might sound, I find the idea of a character trying to figure out how to actually feel (or maybe deal with) real emotions quite itneresting.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I had some trouble getting into the story. Much of the language here is quite vivid, but the rhythm feels slightly off.
A few thoughts:
1) While the logline contained some interesting things, I think it could both be tightened and also offer some more specific details to grab.
2) "as he experiences the harsh indifference of the real world for the first time" didn't make sense to me as the openig of the logline gave the impression he has indeed already experienced life's harsh indifference.
3) In the entry itself, we start with a great opening line focused on Leroy, but then immediatel jump to a focus on his mother. I suggest staying with Leroy for a few more lines. The mateiral on his mother is great stuff, but jumbling it all together leaves the opening feeling unfocused (to me anyway).
4) Although the logline suggests that Leroy's feelings are going to be central, all we get here are some scattered, sticato notes. I think a more sustained reflection on this item is in order if it's going to play such a key role.
So while I do like the story's potential, I'm not quite sure it's grabbed me yet in the way I think it could.
Best of luck with it!
I love the premise for this. It seems like a very character driven story (my favorite!) with lots of depth and vulnerabilities to be explored.
ReplyDeleteYou have a good start to the story--a great sense of the voice. However there were a few throw away lines that lacked context for the reader. By giving more insight to his perception you allow the read to truly understand the lack of emotion. For example: "The woman who had made him who he was. Perhaps that was the problem."
However, we haven't been introduced to the element of a problem and he doesn't follow up on the thought. I'm assuming that it relates to his lack of feeling toward her... but the connection isn't solidified.
Overall, you create an incredibly evocative scene and I wanted to read more. Good luck!
10 pages.
ReplyDelete