TITLE: Where Devils Breed
GENRE: YA Fantasy
When her sister and friends are sold to the Imperial harem, seventeen-year-old Nia vows to save them— even if that means conspiring with mystic Bedouins, betraying the boy she loves, and slitting the Sultan’s throat.
The harem traders circled my sister like wolves— lips curled over yellow teeth, fingers clawing at her face. I couldn’t watch. I bowed my head and whispered a prayer to Bacha, Goddess of Beauty, begging her to smite Akilah with leprosy or make warts sprout from her nose. Something so unsightly the traders wouldn’t wish to take her.
I was ashamed to admit it wasn’t the first time I’d asked Bacha to curse my sister. But it was the first time it hadn’t been for jealous, selfish reasons.
“Magnificent.” One of the traders turned Akilah’s chin this way and that.
The crowd whistled and clapped, but I muttered oaths.
Bacha had failed me. Again. I knew she would. Not even the gods could diminish Akilah’s glossy brown hair and blackberry eyes. She was a peacock among pigeons. A ruby among pebbles. A queen compared to the other girls for sale in the yesir, the slave marketplace.
The square was full to bursting, every soul in Bagrati crammed inside the outdoor plaza, crawling over each other like weevils to get a glimpse of the traders. There was no escaping the smell. Between the camel dung, spice shops, and sweating bodies, it was enough to make the strongest stomach turn. And it was hot, hot, hot— the sizzling sun on my face, the blistering sand between my toes. I couldn’t imagine how much worse it was for Akilah, trapped in the center of the commotion, withering beneath the weight of so many eyes.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I really enjoyed this. The logline caught my attention, and the opening line/paragraph pulled me in.
ReplyDeleteI was slightly unclear on whether the POV character was also being traded or just her sister. At first it seemed like both, but at the end I got the sense she was on the outside looking in. A minor point though, really.
Also to me "inside the outdoor plaza" was a bit of a twister. Maybe "open-air" instead of "outside"?
Really though, great opening. I would read on.
I really enjoyed this and loved the description. I could picture everything perfectly.
ReplyDeleteThis excerpt did leave me wondering where the girls' parents are and if the sister is older or younger than the MC. If the parents are gone and the sister is older, so MC depends upon her, knowing that right up front could raise the stakes even higher, imho.
With that said, though, I'd definitely keep reading to find that out. Great job!
Nice logline. In the 250, ditto the above comment about establishing whether the MC is being traded, too.
ReplyDeleteSomething to consider: maybe get a bit more in the MC's head when she prays to Bacha. I think showing her actual thoughts in italics would make it more intense and urgent.
Also, the phrase "yesir, the slave marketplace" is a tad infodumpy. I'd find a smoother way to show that the yesir is the slave marketplace because as is it feels stuck in there for the reader's benefit (the MC would never think in this way, since she knows what the "yesir" is; it'd be like me saying, "I contacted the FBI, the Federal Bureau of Investigation," but because I'm an American, I already know that's what FBI stands for).
Good job overall, though.
Hi, there! I thought this was a very intriguing opening. I love a lot of the description and action (especially the traders as wolves circling the MC's younger sister), but you might want to consider rearranging some of the lines.
ReplyDeleteSee below for just the beginning--I think it helps streamline the clarity.
* * *
The harem traders circled my sister, Akilah, like wolves— lips curled over yellow teeth, fingers clawing at her face. I couldn’t watch.
“Magnificent.” One of the traders turned Akilah’s chin this way and that.
With her glossy brown hair and blackberry eyes, Akilah was a peacock among pigeons. A ruby among pebbles. A queen compared to the other girls for sale in the yesir, the slave marketplace.
I bowed my head and whispered a prayer to Bacha, Goddess of Beauty, begging her to smite Akilah with leprosy or make warts sprout from her nose. Something so unsightly the traders wouldn’t wish to take her.
I was ashamed to admit it wasn’t the first time I’d asked Bacha to curse my sister. But it was the first time it hadn’t been for jealous, selfish reasons.
The crowd whistled and clapped, but I muttered oaths.
Bacha had failed me. Again. I knew she would. Not even the gods could diminish Akilah’s beauty.
* * *
The plaza description is evocative, but when every word counts, watch out for repeating something like "hot, hot, hot," which is more of a distraction and less descriptive than the other details. I think you can push the language here more.
Overall, nice work, and thanks for letting me read.
I really liked this. You've done great with setting the scene, getting us into the MC's head, and opening with conflict. I love the voice and the writing style. Best of luck
ReplyDeleteReminds me of Del and Tiger stories a bit. Great tone and voice.
ReplyDeleteI would like to know where the MC is in relation to the action. Is she off to one side spying, out in the open watching everything because she's ugly, or waiting to be treated property herself?
I love the short, snappy logline. You also have wonderful descriptions and get into the MC's motivations right away. I would love to read the rest of this and see where Nia's adventures take her!
ReplyDeleteApart from the niggle others have mentioned about knowing the narrator's situation, I think this is a hooky, well-written, nicely descriptive opening.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I do think this scene would have more impact if we knew a bit more about the MC and her sister first. Think about the first chapter of The Hunger Games: because of the build-up to the Reaping and the sense of dread Katniss has, when it comes to Prim being chosen as tribute the scene has much more impact because we know what this means to her. I think a little bit of build-up here before this scene would make us care for your characters more and give the scene more emotional impact.
Good luck!
I thought this is good, except for the "hot hot hot". I think you can describe the heat well enough without resorting to straight up repetition to drive it home.
ReplyDeleteI think the overall idea of the story works, but there was too much on this one page that had me asking the wrong kinds of questions.
ReplyDeleteSince Nia is wishing ugliness on her sister so the slavers will leave her alone, it seems they are only taking her because she's beautiful. If that's the case, why then would they be clawing at her face?
I wondered who was putting these girls up for sale. Her own people? Or was she captured by one group who are selling her to another? Context would help.
Where is Nia in all this? Watching from the crowd or a hiding spot?
And the blistering sand between her toes - why not shake, or brush, or clean it out, instead of letting it blister her? Since her soles aren't burning, I'm assuming she's not barefoot. And since the sand has gotten between her toes, I would guess she's wearing sandals, so shaking the sand loose would be an option.
These are all little things that can be fixed easily.
Good luck!
I can only echo the positive remarks above. The premise is intriguing and somewhat different than a lot of YA I've read in the past. The setting is unusual and well described as well. Nia is the older sister, correct? So for some reason she was never "chosen" to be sold. Any small detail that could tell us why? Hazel eyes instead of dark? Her height? Or lack of it? The traders seem to be particular in their examinations, so that might be useful for us readers later on. I might substitute "hot gritty sand" for blistering, but the choice conveys the heat of the setting too. Up to you. Great hook. Good luck!
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ReplyDeleteBIDDING IS CLOSED.
ReplyDeleteThe full goes to Sarah Negovetich!
I would double echo all of Brett's comments, with the slight rearranging of the opening. Also, 'hot, hot, hot' is telling and not needed.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the full!!
I too want more information about the age of Nia's sister and friends, why isn't Nia being sold too (even if she's younger or older than her sister, she's still female and therefore would seem to have value in this society, no?)
Congrats on the full and best of luck!